


Renesmee: not the girl you remeber

by Zo_oZ



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Charlie is the angel, Child Neglect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Im just making up tags arent i?, Imprinting, Imprinting (Twilight), Minor Character Death, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Runaway, Slow Burn, Superpowers, depends on the chapter, rated mature becuase i swear A LOT, supportive friends, twilight spinoff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 47,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26110477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zo_oZ/pseuds/Zo_oZ
Summary: what if Renesmee inherited her parents' abilities and not an opposite version of them? would Edward love her or blame her for all that has happened if not for his ability to communicate with her? would she have been so widely loved if she wasn't a reversed shield?She was not.And life was a nightmare. Until at the age of two (and already at a body and mindset of 12) she decided it was enough. She left and never looked back. The only person she kept in touch with was her human grandfather, Charlie. Whom she confides in. Charlie lets her depart her way with a message that leaves them forever close. Periodically visiting him.But it was 30 years.She hasn’t seen Charlie for 10 years.Now suddenly, she must go back to Washington.Will she be able to do so?based from @BrazenBlue Renesmee: The Girl You Remembermore explaining in the notes.
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jacob Black/Renesmee Cullen, Renesmee Cullen/Nahuel, Sue Clearwater/Charlie Swan
Comments: 9
Kudos: 26





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> this is an abondon fic that is too good to let down. i want to try and revive it and maybe make something of it. if the author will want me to stop or take it down i will.  
> honestly, the first two chapters are copy paste with minor alteration so if you want to kudos them you should kodus the original authour.  
> All rights go to Stefanie Meyer. ALL characters are hers. story line although altered a bit belongs to @BrazenBlue  
> now think of it like this:  
> Alice doesn't like her because she can't see her and the blindspots are frustrating for her so obviously Jasper is reluctant about her too.  
> carlsile, although kind and supportive and curious hates the tention and danger and attention she attracted from the volturi and the danger she put his family with. also, alice and jasper left becuase of her for a while which made esme reluctant to her as well.  
> for edward she is the murderer of bella's humanity.  
> Jake isn't gone but he ran away and now lives in his wolf form since he thought bella died. so he never got to imprint on Ness.
> 
> I know it cray cray  
> that is why i tagged it AU although it is basically the same story.  
> hence the problems and so on.

30 years ago.

I stared out of my bedroom window as rain pelted the glass. As much as I usually dislike the rain, today I found myself welcoming the rain. However, I wasn't only staring at the rain. I was staring at my own reflection. Nothing about it was different, My hair reached to the tops of my waists in a mangled mesh of ringlets, that as plain as they were, still were shiny and slick. I was wearing a tan turtleneck sweater, and a pair of aged jeans, and black and white sneakers.

It was the same reflection I'd been looking at, but a strange feeling glued it to me, as if it was the most precious thing I'll have. Even though each day I aged up faster, it seemed to me I aged up slower. I had only turned 2, three days ago. I knew it was only me that thought that I didn't look any different. Even though time said I was 2 years old, physical and mentality said I was 12 years old.

I slowly spun myself away from the window, to face my bedroom. I knew that what I had planned today, had to be done. But I decided that, I needed to remember everything about the life I was about to leave. I needed to remember what color the paint on my walls were, the color my carpet was, and the patterns on my bed sheets. I stared at the room I had spent 2 years in, and took in this last memory of having it the way that it was.

I walked slowly across my bedroom floor, letting my hand glide over the wood of my bed frames foot-board, the small vanity stand, my dresser. Lastly, I let my hand explore the small porcelain ice-skating, and ballerina figurines on my nightstand, next to my bed. My aunt Rose had gotten me one each time she'd seen one I hadn't obtained yet. Sometimes she would go to different countries for them. It was my small obsession. I loved winding the bottoms of them and hearing the different songs they had to sing. Different messages they all had to say. I related to them on a level.

My mother, Aunt Rose, and Grandpa Charlie, are the only people I've known to care for me. My father including my other grandparents, Carlisle and Esme, My other aunt Alice or Uncle Jasper, have never cared for me. In fact, they had made it clear to me, they did not want anything to do with me. They still treasured my Mother, but only had it in for me.

My Father was most blunt then anyone when it came to giving me the hint to go away. Each time my father was playing Piano, I would try to watch and learn how to play, only for him to shew me away some how, or simply tell me “Shouldn't you be studying? I'm trying to focus.” I may be young, but I wasn't stupid and took the hint to leave.

Carlisle, on my Mothers wish, kept up with my appointments, other then that, each time I'd tried to interact with him, he would never voice how disgusted he was with me, but once i touched his hand and i could see it. i felt how much he hated me. how he viewd me as a danger to his family. He didn't want me to be part of this family. he thought i was too risky. that i put them all in danger. He also believes I damaged so many of his friendships. So even if we were at danger again we might not have the protection needed.

Esme avoided me at all cost, every time she looked at me she looked so heart broken and she knew it. she knew I noticed it too. So she tried to avoid me. her kind heart made me hate myself even more. How bad of a person you need to be for Esme to dislike you? but I've seen it once. When she looks at me she doesn't SEE me. she sees Alice, her favorite daughter with a battle over #1 with dad, leaving. That's a moment where vampire super memory come at disadvantage. She relives those moments everytime she sees me. She doesn't want to and feels guilty about it yet there is nothing she could do.

Alice and Jasper, however, were not as easy to speak or even see of. The only way I could explain it was that, Alice would see me coming and bolt with Jasper, or they moved and just rarely visited.

My uncle Emmett on the other hand, interacted a lot more with me. at this point I wasn't sure if it was for my sake or Aunt Rose, I don't think anyone could really like me at this point. He was the same goofiness he displayed with everyone else, with me. If he hated me, he was talented at hiding it. I know he doesn't love me like mom and aunt Rosalie though. how can anyone love me is beyond me... I do believe he doesn't hate me or blames me like the others. I've touched him enough times to see that he bares no anger at least at the given moment he is with me. he is also the only one besides mom and aunt Rose who are willing to touch me ever since they learned about me ability to read thoughts. I will never forget that day. how deeply shamed and pained Esme looked and how her pain drove Carlisle away from me even more. my own father avoided me like the plag since that day.

My grandfather, Carlisle, kept teaching me though. usually to educate me in vampire History. They wanted me to be on my best behevior so to not trigger any unwanted meetings. I needed to know about them thoroughly. A day before my birthday though, my Mother informed me that, she was going to further my education. She didn't give me much informationinformation but I knew what was going on. she said that Carlisle had taught me all he needed to teach me, and that she could continue it further.

Although, I had to pretend to act like I didn't know anything, because on the contrary, I had over heard my parents talk, the same day my mother had told me about my education. My hand relaxed when I finally scribbled down the final sentence of my homework, leaving me to date it. I scribbled down today date, Wednesday, September 10th, in other words, a day before my birthday. It was 9:30 when I closed the cover of my history study book, over the homework I was to turn into my Mom tomorrow, with a feeling of refreshment. I was finished with my homework, my birthday was in a few hours, my only work now was to be as regular a child, as I could be. The half-vampire trait, was hard to ditch but what kept them at bay were my restrictions my Mother had put I wasn't to use my vampire-speed for anything but an emergency. I also wasn't to venture into town if I was hunting or outside playing. I also absolutely was not to use my gift with anyone but my family. Being normal had its challenges, but wasn't completely impossible. I still liked playing with dolls, watching T.v. Shows, and playing Mario games. I knew that other kids at the age I was at also had friends they regularly spent time with, but neither me, or my family had much choice but to home-school me. I didn't attend any computer schools though, my mother had to required materials to educate me. My favorite part of today though, was jumping into my bed, and watching my favorite show before I went to sleep. After I raised up from my desk, I used my vampire speed and flitted across my room to my dresser and exchanged my long-sleeved shirt and pants, for a pair of plush sweats, and a light blue t-shirt. I loved the feeling of replacing the rough and tightness of day-clothing, for light and soft night clothing. The waistband of my sweats adapted to me, and my shirt freeing my arms of the restriction. I didn't use my vampire-speed to go to the bed, In fact I took my time going to my bed.

I walked over to the night stand next to my bed, and picked up my favorite porcelain figurine, and winded the key from the bottom. The ice-skater posed as a beautiful swan, spreading her arms out in front of her, balanced on one leg, and leaning forward as if she was soaring through the sky. She spun in circles, as her lullaby chimed. As she spun around, I noticed small builds of dust on her platform, I would have to take my dust-rag tomorrow and wipe the dust off. When her lullaby was over, I threw the blankets from my bed.

I was about to crawl into them when I heard voices in the kitchen. Even though I was up in my room, I had much stronger hearing then any human with the best hearing. That much I obtained from being half-vampire. However, from my age, I was having trouble distinguishing what they were saying. My father couldn't hear my thoughts so he wouldn't be able to hear me decide to eaves-drop. Perhaps it was about my birthday? I wondered in excitement. Vampires were hard to sneak up on though. My Mom would've been disappointed to know I eaves dropped, but I would make sure to keep presents a surprise, what about events though? I smiled at the excitement building inside me. I was relieved for once that my Mother required me to have my door open, I wouldn't have to worry about the door being quiet. What I did have to worry about were creaks, my breathing, and scent. I used the tops of my feet to pad through my door and to the end of the hall. The sharp corner that lead to my kitchen was a few feet away from me. From there I was able to hear the conversation clearly, and decided to stay where I was. However, now, I wished I hadn't. “What do they have against her, so bad, that they refuse to even celebrate her birthday?” My Mom said sharply to my father. “It's nothing personal towards her, Bella. They just wanted to get away for a little while.” My father replied with a hint of calm and cool in equal degree. “I'm not stupid, Edward. I'm also not asking for a gigantic extravagant party. Just for her to have her family around her. A family I thought, cared for her as much as I do. But I guess Rose and you are the only secondary party. And I don't know why-” “Bella, we had to watch you suffer. And practically be torn open because of that creature! Why should she savagely murder you, and still gets rewarded? I'm sorry Bella, but I am ashamed. I am ashamed that not only must I say I created such a vile creature, but that I am also forced to say she's my 'daughter'. She is by biology, but not by my account. She took your humanity. I wanted you to keep your humanity and thanks to her, you got it literally ripped away from you. She will not be rewarded with my love.” I heard a sharp gasp filled with a mixture of hurt and disappointment. “I can't believe you said that, Edward. Is that really how you all feel?” “I've tried really hard Bella. I just can't develop any kind of fatherly love towards Renesmee. I'm too disgusted. As for the rest of the family, They've never expressed their feelings towards Renesmee or to me, out of respect for you. She is here for 2 years only yet she tore my family apart more than anything we have ever faced. do you even know how much I sometime WISH the volturi would have killed her?” he was talking so loud, I could have probably heard him from my room. I could feel my mom fury yet she didn't say a word "do you know why Alice left? because she blinds her! she wants to come back but she can't see well when she is around her. She left ot protect us yet she is suffering!" My heart that had been resting on a single plank of a platform, crashed to the bottoms of my feet. Shattering into pieces, and leaving a lump in my throat at his words.I looked down at the floor, and tried to restrain the tears that threatened my eyes, Swallowing several times and clenching my jaw to the point I thought it would shatter seemed to help. “Let me tell you something Edward... Renesmee did not ask to be born. If you remember right, I was the one that fought. Not Renesmee, I'll just keep Renesmee out of everyone's way from now on.” I flitted up stairs as my mother stormed from the kitchen, in an effort to conceal my nosiness. When I got into my room I dove into my blankets once again. Only, I couldn't relax this time. I wasn't happy, either. Sadness and guilt consumed me. My own father hated me? I knew he didn't care too much for me, but I always thought that maybe he had something fatherly towards me. But I was wrong. I was a monster to him. I never meant to be. Fresh tears stung the bottoms of my eye-lids, and after a few moments warm tears streaked down my face. I focused my eyes out of my window and watched the ironc lightning flashes illuminate the sky. My mind crawled deeper and deeper into thoughts, as if I was having a conversation with myself in my head. The conversation topic was strangely calming as intense as the topic was. My father said I had taken away my Mothers life, and destroyed his as well. Perhaps I could give them a better life, by leaving them. I could make It on my own, how hard could it be? I would go to a place no body would ever think I was at. I could hide some where in Forks. My thoughts stopped there. I couldn't be in Forks anymore. I would need to leave Forks. I could do it after my birthday, so I could spend one last birthday with my Mom and Rose. I wasn't worried about my Dad anymore. This was my birthday present to him. He would never have to live with me at all anymore. Or have to call me his daughter. He could pretend I never existed, after my Mom was done being sad. This thought left me with an equal amount of sadness and calmness. I would miss my Mom and Rose deeply, but I was happy that after all this time, maybe I would make my Dad happy for once.

I hadn't known I had fallen asleep until a loud buzz sound blared through my alarm clock. I sighed and rubbed my eyes free of sleep and crushed my snooze button. It was September 13th, today. I knew it seemed harsh to do this on my Mothers birthday, but the sooner I did this, the harder it would be to deny myself. I was already having doubts. Maybe if I just give Dad time... No. No more time. I went two years with this theory with absolutely no result. Remembering the conversation between my mother and my father made it easier. And knowing that for my Mothers birthday, my Father was taking my Mother somewhere for her birthday. I wasn't sure were, it wasn't that important. I was glad she wouldn't be here for my disappearance. I jumped from my thoughts when my Mothers voice summoned me from downstairs. I raced through my bedroom door and stood at the top of the stairs and looked down at my Mother. I would miss her beauty, and simply seeing her. She was dressed in a grey dress, the neck stretched up to cover her neck and the sleeves reached to the ends of her wrists, black leggings, and her black boots. A warm but sad-like smile plastered on her face. “Me and your Dad are going to take off. “ she informed. She continued, “Don't forget to go over to Carlisle and Esme's house at 5 o'clock this evening.” she instructed. She ascended the stairs to wrap her arms around me. “I'll miss you, Ness. I'll see you in a couple of days.” she instructed me, excitement was raising in her voice, possibly for her trip. My hearted felt heavy at her words. My next response, I tried to restrain my voice from cracking. “I'll miss you too, Mom. Good bye. I love you.” I said, surprisingly, I gave nothing away. Was I subconsciously wanting my Mom to find out? If my subconscious was trying, it failed. “I love you too, see you in a few days, Renesmee.” she said as she departed down the stairs, and through the door my father held open. My father looked up at me from the door. I half-heartedly suspected, and maybe desired a hug good bye from him too. Instead, he simply nodded. “Behave.” he coolly demanded with slightly narrowed eyes. Before closing and locking the door.

After I heard the car hum to life in the garage, I listened while the car tires rolled over our gravel drive-way, and sped away from the house. I knew the car was gone, but I needed to double check. I raced down from the stairs and cut into the kitchen where, cutting in between a long arrangement of L shaped counters, was a door to the garage. I nudged it open and saw that there was no sign of the car. I smiled in relief, but the earlier nerves returned. Could I really do this? I thought for a minute. It didn't matter if I thought I couldn't do this, I had to do this. I destroyed something. As bad as what my fathers declaration of me was, there was truth to his words. I was a monster. I had killed my mother. I remember when I was born, seeing her very last moment as human. Even though I had no comprehension of it then, I did now. And my father was right, about what I was. And what was worse, my Dad had, had a happy life before I was born. It was my duty to give it back to him. It was the only thing I had to give. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and then looked at the clock. Noon. I had three hours to do what I needed to do, and it would take an hour itself to do the first thing on my list. I decided to get started, I made my way from the kitchen and into the hallway, Within an hour, I managed to gather up every single photo that included me. It seemed a little late to realize something but I couldn't help it. From my younger ages, photos that required me to be held, there was something I hadn't noticed before. My father never once held me in any of the pictures. In fact, I could even see he sat a little ways away from me when I got older and had to be placed between my parents. Through my digging of the pictures, I discovered one that hadn't included me. It was of my Mother in her human days. And a man. He had russet skin, black slick hair, and brown eyes. Something about his eyes reminded me of an animal I had seen a year or so ago when I was exploring the forest. A large wolf, my mother had told me were the Quileutes. That possessed the land on the other side of the river that split both lands apart. I flipped the picture over for a caption in the middle. “Me and Jacob' I shook my head and refocused myself. I took each picture that included me and ripped them from the frames and secured them into a box. This would be one thing I would conceal within Forks, so that I could have something, should I visit, to see my Mother. I double wrapped the dark Grey duck-tape around the file box and set it aside. I would use fake pictures to burn so that my mother wouldn't be tempted to look for these ones I kept. My next step was to disassemble my belongings and carry them to the burning sight where I would set my belongings on fire and let them turn to ash. I peaked up at my clock and noted. It was 2 o'clock. Two more hours left in my home. I sighed and made my way up the stairs to my room equipped with a screw driver, hammer, cardboard boxes, and a plastic bag. I used the screw driver to disassemble my bed, to unscrew the T.V. Mount from my wall, and then to remove the other t.v. Accessories from my shelves such as my DVD collection, Nintendo 64 console, and DVD player. I tossed the electronics, wooden bed, and anything I had taken apart into a pile. I took the hammer and smashed apart my nightstands, lamps, and anything I got my hands on that could be broken and that my screw driver couldn't take apart cleanly. Once everything was in a big enough pile, I moved onto the things I should bag. I collected every kind of clothing I owned and tossed it in. I would have taken them with me, but they had my scent too strongly into them. I wouldn't be able to keep my scent disguised. I could wear the clothes I was wearing already, I would stop in Forks before I made my last top, to get something new to wear. With the boxes, I packed my porcelain figures in. It would break my heart to break them at the sight, but I had to do it. I tied the bag tightly and threw it in with the pile, looking at my alarm clock, the clock signaled to me, it was 3pm. I took the hour carrying the wood and electronics pile up to the burn sight. It was a large clearing just outside of Forks, running alone took me 5 minutes to reach the sight. After 5 trips with wood, electronics, and shattered objects, and lastly, I brought my boxed items. I took a deep breath and ventured back to the house around 3:30, and made a run of the house making sure I had everything. My mind traced back to one last thing. Anything that would indicate I was even born. I went into my Mom's room and removed anything I had ever given her. I wouldn't burn them, I would store them like I would the pictures. After searching, I was becoming worried about the time and thought I would have to abandon my search, but finally I came across a box of files in my Mom's closet. Anything that had my name, I removed. Once I combed the room once again, I found nothing tied to me. I turned off the light and exited the room, before slowly taking the stairs and going out the front door. Before going, I looked around at my home. I would miss it dearly. Many memories with my Mom and Aunt Rose were here. My eyes trailed over the staircase that ascended from the front door to the top story, on either side of the bottom of the staircase were two archways. The left side lead to the large front room with 2 dark brown love seats, the first lined the south wall. The next lined the west. Accented with brilliant white carpet and red horizontal stripped walls. The right entrance, consisted of the kitchen with cherry-wood cabinets, black marble tops, and a large window collection over the sink and in front of the dining room. I looked at the clock and sighed. 3:40. I was on time. I frowned and closed the door and used my speed to get to the sight. I placed my box of pictures away from the pile to, dug out the gasoline and matches and set them aside as well. I located my hammer and my figurines. I closed my eyes as I brought the hammer down and crushed each and everyone of them. I could hear the porcelain breaking a halo busting noise. When I was sure I had busted all of my figurine, I opened my eyes and sighed. I hadn't known that I was crying until a slight cold breeze brushed my face, the wetness on my face gave me a chill, but thanks to my naturally scorching skin, It warmed up again. I wiped my face and then sighed. A lump built up in my throat, I swallowed it back. Memories of my Mother, Aunt, everything that was good replacing the view in front of me in one last attempt to beg me to stay. I blinked away the memories and ignored the burning agony in my stomach that threatened to send my breakfast up. I took one final breath and drenched everything in gasoline, struck the match, and flicked it into the pile. Immediately orange flames grew up to the sky as I let out a deep breath. A sigh of half relief, and half sadness. Relief because I had done it. Sadness, because there was no turning back now.


	2. current time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ness didn't get her usual weekly call from charlie and is worried.  
> her and Nahuel at training.  
> She gets a different call instead.  
> one she wishes she didn't pick up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, this chapter is more  
> https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrazenBlue/pseuds/BrazenBlue  
> than me...  
> so again all kodus and credit to @brazenblue

***i wanted to play the piano. no, that's not accurate, I wanted daddy which was so pretty (almost like my mommy) to teach me to play the piano. he was playing at the moment. I knew that song. he was playing it for mom. I reached my hand and accidentlt touched his hand trying to reach to the keys. that was when I heard it.**  
**_Couldn't she adopt a dog instead? Fuck, why is this murderer standing so close to me. I hate it._ he flinched his hand so fast you could hear my bone crack. I knew he did it by accident but I couldn't help my crying. Everyone thought I cried because I was hurt and I was sobbing too hard to tell them it was because my father thought a dog is better than me.***

It was a nice Tuesday night out for Bakersfield California. It had a warm, yet cool bite to the air and the rain that had was misting the town, was leaving the little town with a nice, wet dirt smell.  
I stayed at the US for grandpa but honestly out of all the places I've been I think I like California the best. I enjoy the sun and hot whether and everything that is different from Forks. From _them_.

I even changed my name. well not changed, switched. to one more similar to my real grandfather without neglecting my mom and Aunt Rose.

I go by Carlie now, I work at a diner. refusing the modeling path or the social media frenzie becuase I couldn't leave tracks. I didn't want to be found.

  
My Grandfather, Charlie hadn't called. He usually called every Tuesday morning, but today he had neglected to. There was no reason for him not to. He was retired from the force. He should be home. Nothing should have kept him from keeping our routinely call.  
Although, I wouldn't put it passed him to be angry with me, I only had reconnected with Charlie five years ago, but that was a long story. Call wise, anyway. Perhaps he was angry with me and decided to give me a taste of my own medicine. The last time I’d seen Charlie, was a few years after Nahuel had got me out. But I still couldn't help the small feeling that something was terribly wrong.  
Rain gently misted my face as I stared straight ahead at my best friend, Nahuel. I met him three months after I left the Cullens. As to how we met is a particularly long story, a story that still haunts me to this day, literally.  
The small spritz calmed my nerves as I gained my focus on the training my mate was educating me. The hair on the back of my neck stood as I watched him. He stood about a hundred feet away from me. It challenged my damaged but strong eyesight. He roamed from left to right ahead of me. Leaving me to try to determine what my line of attack should be. Nahuel possessed a very dangerous and unique ability, where he could control your mind if eye contact was made. He could make you forget things, make you think you saw something, and make you do things against your will.  
He was training me to shield myself from with my own unique gift. I wasn't aware of that until a few years ago, when he started to first train me. Even though his gift is particularly dangerous, the only one that is even more dangerous is his sister Serena's ability. That is very similar to Nahuel's, only hers was more permanent, unless you knew how to protect yourself from it with your own mind control.  
I was once stronger. but since that day I met Nahuel I've been having hard time controling my abilities. I can't hear thoughts anymore and my shield doesn't work. I couldn't hear thoughts since I left Forks though. Apparently the two traumas were too big. That is why he is training my shield and me. I guess he feels guilty.  
after all this is not something you can solve with a therapist. hell, I'd love to see that. going to a human therapit and telling them my story without getting locked up or even more fuuny- a vamp shrink.

we were midst training but my head was full of my grandpa. last time something like this happened he ended up in the hospital. I came back to see him only because I knew the Cullen were gone at that point. Even then I barely escaped meeting them.  
that was 12 years ago.

suddenly Nahuel dashed towards me head on. I flitted myself towards him as well to meet for an on-coming fight. We stopped at a two foot distance. He swung aggressively towards my left with his right hand, I dodged. He swung another sharp hit towards my right with his left, but this time, I caught his fist and twisted. This wasn't the part I was worried about though. Part of me was terrified this was an attack put into my head with his ability. I continued fighting though, because this was only step one. Combat. I'd gotten better about it.  
When I was about to dodge one of his blows, I realized too late that he had influenced the wrong direction into my mind. He swung towards my left, and absentmindedly I moved the wrong direction. He crushed his hand down on my upper chest and flattened me onto the ground. The hit stunned me, while reality came back to me. His position changed rapidly, and I knew this was a mental attack. I tried my best to throw up my own mental defense. I tried to throw up my memories but they all faded, and there, I knew I had reacted too late. He had too much control over me already.  
He stood over me, his face looked disappointed. I wanted to get up. But my limbs didn't obey to any of my commands. I watched Nahuel as he stood over me. My eyes threatened tears of fear at the rims but I bit back the pathetic water. He shook his head once more, I looked at my hands, and realized one was raised in a threatening manner. I screamed a piersing scream which I knew Nahuel will hear beyond the boundries of my head. But his hands thrust towards me, crushed through my chest cavity and gripped my own heart. My breathing stopped as my hand tugged at my critical and terrified organ.

"Push me out Carlie! Push me out now! Remember our training!" Nahuel shouted. It was a good sign, I could finally hear something beyond my vision.  
I couldn't though. I watched as my hand ripped out my heart. I laid limp, staring up into the sky as it drifted away. My eye lids felt like weights were pinned to the top as they were pulled down.  
I saw blackness. The last thing I heard were the soft wind rustling the tall trees, rolling thunder, and two heavy foot-steps running towards me.  
"Renesmee!.....Esmee.... Re...."  
I spent what felt like weeks under a black blanket over my face. Not seeing anything. Until, after a long while, my senses began to come back. Little by little. I could feel the warmth of my blood slowly spread through the bottoms of my feet, my caves. My entire hands. I noticed now, that when the blood flowed through my spine, I could feel that the cold hard ground wasn't pressed against my back. Instead my head was elevated on a soft cloud. My body was floating on a much softer ground. I could no longer smell the rain, and now, I heard a small tapping of rain water hitting glass.

I let the blood circulate throughout my body and reach my eyes before I slowly opened my eyes. The dim candle light was welcome to my eyes. The room was an overwhelming but calming warmness. I sighed, and let my eyes adjust to the figure in front of me. I felt my senses straighten at first, but then his scent followed and I relaxed myself.  
'I can see that a few days of rest did a lot more harm than good. You had no defense Carlie. If I was my sister, you would already be buried somewhere." Nahuel stated, frustrated. "At least it’s just me, though. You're lucky." He reasoned.  
I couldn't take too much attention from his words. My chest was agonizingly painful. I looked down at my shirt and realized I was coated with a thick and wet mess of blood all over the front of my body.  
"What happened?" I asked. "This usually doesn't happen..." I continued.  
"We took one day too many off. We both got weak. you couldn't fight me back and I lost control. I tried to stop it, but it backfired on me." Nahuel said, sighed, and shook his head. I wasn't sure if he was angry with himself or me.  
Nahuel often acted like he hadn't cared for me. There were times where I was sure, he wished he hadn’t rescued me. But then, he would do things that would make me think otherwise.   
Times where he took care of me  
I rolled my eyes. "don't beat yourself up too much over it." I said, as I lifted up my shirt to examine the damage. I looked at Nahuel with a raised brow.  
"How bad was it before?" I said, pointing towards the line claw-like scratches that went from my left breast to my right waist.  
"Bad. You nearly broke through your chest, and tore the whole front of your skin off." He stated, as I winced.  
I attempted to set up to take a shower, but Nahuel's hand pushed gently on my chest to lay me back down flat. I wanted to argue. But he looked at my sternly and I knew he had more to say. I rolled my eyes.  
"You weren't just weak. You were distracted. What was it?" Nahuel demanded.  
"I don't know. I was thinking of memories I could use." I replied.  
I shrugged my shoulders and flitted to the bathroom door, only for Nahuel to step in front of me. I sighed and crossed my arms. I trained my eye on him impatiently. Silently demanding what he wanted.  
"What is it?" he asked again.

"Charlie hasn't called today. I was worried." I snapped sharply and shoved him out of my way. I walked into the bathroom, closed the door and sighed. But before my mind could relax, I heard the chirping of my phone. But it wasn't just any chirping. It was Charlie's specified ring tone. I felt around my jean jacket pockets and located my phone out of my breast pocket. I smiled.  
"GRANDPA!" I exclaimed thrilled "You're late calling. I was so worried." I spoke with ine breath. A smile lit up my face with excitement for Charlie, only to have it brutally murdered by a very familiar, and unwelcome voice.  
"Renesmee...." The voice said. Memories flashed into my face. My jaw tightened viciously. I said nothing.  
"It's your Father. Don't hang up. I'm calling on Charlie's behalf." Edward's voice was desperate. However, he'd said the right thing to get me to remove my finger off the end button.  
I inhaled deeply. "What?" I replied harshly through my teeth. "How did you get this number?!" I demanded aggressively.  
"Charlie is sick. We don't know what it is, but it looks like some type of brain tumor, and it doesn't look like his body is strong enough to fight it off for very long. He wanted me to contact you, and ask you to return so he could see you." Edward's voice was calmer now, almost nervous. I squinted my eyes. I had the information I needed. It was my choice now to return. A choice I had to make with great irritation.  
I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at the smartphone device in my hand. I sighed and pressed end. What was I to do? I wanted to see my grandfather. If these were his last days, he deserved to have the only thing he's ever asked from me to be given to him. I rolled my eyes and sighed. My eyes looked into the long oval mirror into my reflection.  
It was about this time 30 years ago that I had said goodbye to Forks. A lot had changed about my reflection since then. Replacing the small little girl I last seen in Forks, was a long, bronze haired beauty with ringlets that reached well under her waist. Almond shaped eyes that thick black lashes outlined and fanned out at the sides. The reflection had changed a lot. Would Charlie see me the same way? If he pressured me for an explanation as to why I hadn't seen him in 10 years, he wouldn't. I turned from my reflection and turned the crystal water faucet and adjusted my shower water.  
I peeled my bloody wet clothes from my body and tossed them into the trash and stepped under the warm falling rain from the shower head.


	3. someone to walk with and a place to go to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little Rahuel fluff  
> trying to make more sense of this story and adding more flasback and baack story

***"Bella! how could you?! endanger us all like that?? Isn't _she_ enough already??" father was yelling at mom. I hated when they did that. I hated that I knew he entered me into their fights. I knew he was talking about me when he spitted the word she as if it was poison down his throat. I just held Aunt Rose hand more tightly "he doesn't need or want to know. Sue Clearwater filled him in on the big story with the Quileute legends. He said he doesn't want the details! just to not be lied to! and he has a grandaughter whom he wants to meet! Don't worry. I told him she's adopted." father sighd. "let's just bring him here. you know I can control myself. you've seen it." he side eyed me and I knew what he was thinking. _it's her I dont trust. the monster._ that was the last time I heard someone thoughts without intending to. and I wondered if aunt Rose could hear thoughts too because she picked me up, growling at Edward and took me out of the house.***

I don't want to go.  
I want to go.  
That was my mindset for the passing 10 hours. I wanted to sleep but I was too stressed out. Last time I felt this lump in my throat was when I had to lie to my mom before I left.  
I want to go.  
I don't want to go.  
At this point I gave up on the bed and just set down to watch the sunset from the livingroom window.

I could feel Nahuel roaming around the house, he has a shift in an hour or so. He stopped 2 feet away from me and sighed  
"I already feel guilty about fakely ripping your heart out of your chest" Nahuel said going to the kitchen "and you told me not to feel guilty about it" he came by me with two cups "now, how can I do that when you look like I ripped your heart out all over again" he set close and gave me a cup of coffee. Well, his version of coffee which I must say is amazing. So I took a sip of the black but slightly red tinted liquid  
"I swear you're a genius Nahuel" he smiled at me and like every time whenever he smiled I thought 'he's so pretty'. usually the following feeling is the guilt.  
"Yeah, well I had almost 200 years to experience with food and get all creative" he nudged me by his shoulder.  
"One of the reasons I left is because I don't blame them" I said suddenly, making Nahuel frown.  
"Elaborate..?" He said when I stayed silent  
"I remember how my mom looked when I came out, I know that they have a good point. I hurt her so badly, she was dying, I AM the monster Edward despise" I didnt want to hurt her though.. I added in my head.  
"You didnt choose to be carried and birthed, your mother could have aborted you and lived as a human which is a lot more than you can say about mine" he stopped to drink from his cup  
"Sorry Huel..."  
"No, thats not my point, I'm not trying to say who has it worst. I'm saying your mother had a choice and she chose you. Your father hates the wrong person and blames the wrong person. You didnt hurt her when she had a choice. I'm not gonna try and convince you she wasn't hurt but I will say this. It was HER choice. She knew she was hurting and and she knew exactly how painful it was yet she chose it for herself. You've told me your parents story. You didnt took her humanity. It was gonna go away sooner than later. The change date was for after their Honey Moon from what your mother said to you. If anything you kept her human for a little more"  
I don't know exactly when but somewhere along Nahuel speech silent tears started to stream down my face. I wiped them aggressively "I'm so weak and stupid"  
Nahuel face hardened. "Don't you dare say that about yourself. Your father is the weak one and his family are the stupid one"  
I started sobbing "I'm so worried about charlie. Truth is- I WANT to go. I miss him, I miss my mom and aunt rose. Hell, at this point I miss Emmet too. But I can't bare to see them. I can't bare to see Edward's face even in a nightmare," I took a deep breath "how will I cope in real life?" I added in a whisper.  
"Can I come withe you?" He asked out of no where  
I chuckled "who said I was going"  
He hugged me close "I know you will, your softy heart won't be able to deny Charlie anything"  
"You won't be able to make your BloodMudCoffee there"  
"It's DONATED.." He started  
"By girls who do it to get laid with you! Honestly, I could get STD from this shit!" i cut him. He smirked looking smug.  
"But lord knows it tastes good and I see them every 3 months for a run up" he took a deep breath "you're so young, it's not fair that you have to deal with your parents selfishness. I get it that vampires are also frozen in maturity and rarely change but your father really crossed the line."  
There he goes with the 'you're young' again.  
"I'm not young, you're just awfully old, grandpa" I said with a sharp sarcastic tone and then added softly "thank you"  
"So are we gonna pack or what?"  
"Yeah, but there's something I want to do first" I said and got up, ruffling Nahuel long hair while he protested "how would you feel about having the longest hair between us?"  
"Ness! Don't you..!" But he was too late I already took the scissors and ran for it.  
I need a change.  
I'm not the same Renesmee.  
I also need to call back, maybe make some ground rules.  
Nahuel barged through the door "oh, come on!" He groand but I just laughed at him with sparkly mischievous eyes and he couldn't do anything but smile back and fake how he's displeased with me.


	4. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more of Ness pain  
> Maybe making the Cullen less Hateable  
> More reasons to love Nahuel (as if I'm not already far enough up his ass)  
> More about Nessie inner mind  
> Surprise guest

***It was my second Christmas to this life when I broke down sobbing exceptionally, it was the last time I did so in public. it was also the only time my father volunteeringly touched me. I wish he didn't. Because then I could've hated him without ever blaming myself or hating myself. Uncle Jas and Alice didn't show up and Esme was so heart broken. Even Emmett and Rosalie for the first time seemed conflicted about my presence. So my mom decided I'm gonna have this Christmas with grandpa. I didn't know what I did wrong. Why am I being pushed away?? I locked myself up. Pretending a door could stop a vampire while they pretended I wasn't crying. Surprisingly the one coming for me eventually was my father. I was so taken back and surprised when I saw him. I don't know why but for some reason I thought he would kick me out. So I sobbed even harder. Wailing out in despair. That's when he reached his hand and cardled my face. And I heard it _I'm sorry, I'm sorry you had to be my child, that you look so much like me besides the eye color and the curles, that I can't bring myself to look at you and see just a child. You made her heart stop, my heart stopped too. I'm sorry you don't fit with my family. I don't know why your existence pains my family the way it does. I know you didnt choose this. I'm being selfish._ "your mom will go with you" is what he said _that's me being selfless for you_ * **

When I called back Charlie's number Sue answered. Although she's a strong stern woman she was always so kind to me. She says I carry sadness I don't deserve and that I remind her of her daughter. Sue apparently has two children one I've met yet other- a daughter- I've never seen. "Ness, love, I'm so glad you called" she sounded exhausted and stressed."hey gran, sorry we haven't talked in a long while" I could hear her smile, she has a love hate relationship with me calling her gran but she just said "you better be! We miss you here" I laughed softly before replying "I want to come but I can't do that if all of them are there" I thought she would protest but instead she sighed "yeah, I knew it would be like that... Is some being around okay?" I thought about it for a while before replying. Will I be able to deal with my mom and Aunt Rosalie? They haven't seen me in so long.. Will they hate me too now? Will I be able to leave? "I.. I don't know" I hesitated. I felt so stupid and selfish. Like I could understand my father all over again. "If they want to see me I won't mind mom, aunt Rosalie and uncle Emmett" I ruffled the back of my now pixie hair and added as an after thought "they might kill me if they'll see my hair though" She laughed before replying "I'd like to see them try with Leah and seth around, I'll call Jake for reinforcement if needed" I smiled a genuine smile for a change "I'll bring Nahuel too, they won't stand a chance" "Do I sense a grandson in law?" She asked and I blushed. I thought about Nahuel and how if I was maybe someone else, someone who wasn't the reason to his aunt and only relative he ever treasured die maybe there was a chance for us. I was glad he wasn't home. "No.. Just a big brother. How's grandpa?" When she answered my question I could hear her pain "he had better days, that's for certain. The docs thinks he has a shot." My heart clenched "I'll be there. Just please, I can't face them" "Will you ever be able to?" She asked curiously I could feel my mouth twitch in a bitter smile "probably not." "Your mom is heart broken" I was glad I couldn't see her face. She knew exactly how painful it was to not see your daughter anymore. But she wasn't Bella. I loved my mom and I wouldn't ask for more than she already given yet why was it that aunt Rosalie fought and protected me more than her? Was it because she loved my father more? Plus, they could've found me back then. I was stupid enough to leave a trail of my sent in one track. I could've taken my mom mini dress and hide my scent but I didn't. I always wonder if they even bothered and the only one I trust have done so is Rosalie. There was only one smart thing I did, I went pass the Quilette territory instead. People thought I was going to see grandpa and sue so I wasn't stopped. Sue was the one to allow me a free pass. I owe her every good feeling I've ever felt. "I know, I'll probably visit more than once. Maybe giving grandpa some focus first is a good thing" "Maybe" I looked at the clock before yelping "oh fuck!" And Sue laughed "Have to go?" She asked amused. "Yeah, sorry, I'll call again, I'm gonna be late to my shift" "Bye Ness" she said warmly "Bye granny, loves ya!" I said hanging up and running around trying to find my legs and hands before fighting myself with no sprinting away and reveal the vampire race. I got nearly half an hour late because of that but all the shouting I got was because of my hair and not me being late.

Huh.

I'm not sure if it's better or worse.

One thing certain is that aunt Rosalie will **definitely** kill me.

Once the flow of customers were low I reached my boss. A fake blonde named Trixie and although she says she was never a stripper I still don't believe it completely.

"Trix, my grandpa is in the hospital and apparently it's serious. I need to take a week or two off" She squinted her green eyes at me before saying "if that tall native knocked you up and you're lying.." I laughed before leaning on the deck "no, I'm not lying, I'll even do doubles afterwards if I must" she sighed while drying off milkshake cups and I got to cleaning the deck "with that hair? At least where some red lipstick and eyeliner... We have food to sell and you're not pulling the american sweetheart like that, might as well try your sex appeal. How do you feel about BDSM?" that is why I'm sure she was a stripper.

A client came by the door with his two little children looking no older than 8. He sat them by the deck since they wanted the tall chairs so I went to clean more desks until I'll be called. The man was about to call Trixie for his order but all he managed to say is "You're Trix or Treat!" I throw the cleaning rag on the desk turning around and shouted at her "I KNOW YOU WERE A STRIPPER! You Lied!" She pointed at me and clapped back "Hey! I was a porn star! Big difference! I, unlike you Carlie, don't lie!" Then she turned to guy and pulled off her best seductive look "what can I get to you big guy?" I laughed as the guy covered his kids eyes and got back to work.

I was supposed to train with Nahuel after my shift but he refuses to do so since I'm "not focused enough" and "barely got better".

I wish he didnt.

I wish he would ignore those stuff and train me. I needed the distraction.

So I asked to train in real combat instead but he refused again saying I shouldn't exhaust myself like that.

Ughh! He's so frustrating. I know it isn't this. He's with one of his many girls. This is one of those moments I hate the most in my current life. When he lies to avoid me, treat me like I'm little... Goes with other girls.

It's a moment where I feel lonely.

When he got back I was packing. "You may come" I said when he entered the door. He got to my room, leaning on the door frame "good, I was thinking you're gonna pull a Renesmee on me" he joked about me running away unsuccessfully. I don't know why but it hurt a bit. I sighed and stopped packing. Not being able to face him i spoke with a defeated voice "you don't have to come. I know my vegetarian diet is not your style and that you don't like being away from the sun" I could hear his shrug "Carlie, it's fine, I want to be there. Plus, there is always a pretty girl around to be found" he said I rolled my eyes at him. "You used to be such an introvert. What about me made you a fuckboy?!" He laughed softly "I just feels young, big difference." "I think you sucked my youngness away then with how frigged I am" I mumbled and this time he really laughed. So I threw my hairbrush at his chest. I was smiling so wide when it hit him hard enough to make him choke, he called me a sadist. I went to pick up the pieces of the brush "Trix said I should try some BDSM with this haircut" I said teasingly and he got me in a choke hold "oh yeah??" He said while we struggled "will Mr. Gray see me now???" I laughed so hard I couldn't fight and tapped out. We just laid on the floor of my ruined room while I looked at the broken goods "you SO owe me a new TV and a dresser" he faked offended "I'm not the one starting fights Ness! Don't think I won't hit back because you're a woman! It's 2020 and I'm a feminist #you_get_what_you_deserve" I laughed so hard he had to help me up before continuing "I'll get the dresser, you the TV" he said as he walked out of my room. "It better have a mirror!" I said.

It's hard not to like Nahuel.

Impossible not to love the one person that has no reason to be kind to you yet is. Yes I know he won't answer this feelings.

And that makes me want to sob.

No matter when or where or how.

Or even if it's infront of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guy will like it. It's the longest I wrote so far.  
> See yaaaaaaa!


	5. Head Jump

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know I said surprise character but the Sue talk seemed enough! Olus I used google maps for this one so be supportive❤  
> Anywhoreeee  
> Ness struggle with going back.  
> Put on you found me by the fray for the first part of the chapter and enjoy!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make a Nahuel POV one but I'm not sure you guys will want it so if I could get a comment about it I'd be thrilled

***I remember running, I remember the dirt, my hair tangled with itself. I didn't even know where I was or how I got there. It's been three months and I was lost and alone and hurting. When I stopped it was by the river. I looked at my reflection and saw me looking just like I felt.. My growing was slowing down though which was a pleasant surprise. I was washing by the river. Using my vocal chords for the first time this month by singing. I ran through the wilds and swam through the sea for weeks. At some point i left the US but I have no idea where I was. I wasn't a vampire so I had it worst but I wasn't a human too.**  
**No.**  
**I am just a monster.**  
**I hated myself so much. Hated my life. My family. I missed them though.. Maybe they are worried about me after all? Maybe I can go back? Maybe they'll want me too and I'll finally have a family? I was crying again. God I wish I didnt. I'm mentally 12. I knew the truth- I wasn't welcomed. I am 100% sure I left one hell of a trail at this point. Nobody came looking. I stole a phone or two and called grandpa almost every week.**  
**They didnt want me.**  
**I got my head under the water. Letting the stream take me and my breath away.**  
**That was when I heard the screaming. I pulled up taking a big breath and choking on the water in my lungs.I ran towards where the screaming were. It wasn't far from the river and the trees weren't as thick yet.**  
**That is also when I saw 3 people.**  
**Two of them were oddly familiar.**  
**"Let us go! Serena, I don't WANT to be part of this! Please!"**  
**I don't know why but the guy talking had his eyes shut tight. Why would they do that? Who's that Serena?**  
**"I can't do that Nahuel." Oh, I do know them. "I have a task. I have a family for a change and I'm NOT gonna let you risk that."**  
**"He's using you! Please!! Let Huilen go!" He sounded desperate and in distress and then I looked at the woman next to him and I saw the woman whom I assume the piercing scream belonged to. She was ripping her own head off!**  
**"You can let her go the moment you'd open your eyes!"**  
**Thats when I decided to interfere.**  
**Worst call ever.**  
**It was all my fault.**  
**If only I had gave Nahuel another look I'd see he was reaching in his back for something.**  
**But I'm a monster. No that's not true enough. I'm bad luck in its purest form.***

We were in a car, on our way to the airport. Nahuel was driving since I didn't feel all too stable.  
"Had I known you'd stay silent like a fish I would've stayed home" Nahuel said looking uncomfortable by my roaring silence.  
I clenched my jaw. I couldn't say anything, I was too tense. I felt like I should just shut up. I remember it took Nahuel two years after that incident to help me say a word. I felt like a disaster. Like I should be gone, silent and invisible. Charlie nearly had a heart attack when he got a phone call from Nahuel the first time.   
I felt like that again.  
Worthless, like if I'd talk I'll create a disaster. Like a waste of space.  
Nahuel sighed "remember when you told me that you'd do whatever I ask of you if I'd train you in combat?" I remember it. I looked like a 14 year old. My growing was slowing down so madly all of a sudden that I flipped. Glad Nahuel was there to help and explain all this mess. We were living at Tucson Arizona back then. I got hurt by one of our practices in the mountains, I got locked in my own head. And trust me. Thats a place no body would ever want to be in. I went into silence again from the shock. I couldn't even remember the first weeks.. Nahuel said I tried to rip my flesh out of my bones and kill myself. He had to hold me down for days, I went feral. But that was also a turning point for us. When I got my sense back he looked me in the eyes for the first time as if I was human. He looked at me with such pain and sorrow. He looked at me the way he looked at his aunt ash. I felt naked under his stare.   
He didn't want to train me after that anymore. He said that if I'd ever need something he'll try to protect me instead and that I can now always count on him. First time he made my heart stop. not the last though.  
It took years to get him to train me again. I was nearly 7 in human years when he agreed to train me again.   
He agreed because he found it hilarious that I promised him a wish. as if I'm a Ginnie.  
"Yes" I replied.  
"What did I ask for?" He asked patiently although clenching on the wheel.  
"To tell you what I think" I said so softly no human could have heard. Yet Nahuel wasn't a human. But unlike me he wasn't a monster.  
"I'm afraid I'll bring Charlie bad luck and kill him." I knew I was absord thats why I didn't say anything. I was waiting for him to laugh at me.  
He didn't. He sighed heavily. "It's been almost 10 years since I heard you talk that way about yourself" I looked at him to see his black eyes giving death stares to the road. I shrinked in my seat knowing this stares are aimed at me."I don't know what else to do to convince you you're not a monster. Being treated like less than a human doesn't make you less than a human. You do. The moment you believe them and act the way they tell you.. That's when you become a monster." Then he turned to me and smiled. Making my heart stop in my chest before he kept talking. "You're a freak at worst considering you're best friends with your stripper boss" "she's a porn star!" I said defendingly "big deference!" He laughed and I couldn't help the twitch of my lips as well. This time when I fell silent it was comfortable.

At the airport I could feel my anxiety climbing back. Nahuel pulled out his phone and made me compete with him in this stupid race game and yeah I know I lost like 7 times until it was boarding time but I wasn't myself! Usually I'd kick his ass. I think he knew that too considering when we sat at our seats he held my hand. He rarely touches me if it isn't for mind reading practice. At that moment I couldn't help but feel my heart flutter and I was so embarrassed. He just smiled "a young heart" he sounded almost sad..  
No asshole, it's not young it's this mega unhealthy 20 year old crush!  
Charlie was hospitalized in Olympic Medical center. The day was gloomy as expected from Port Angeles. Me and Nahuel weren't met by any familiar faces in the airport since I didnt give my exact time or date of coming, afraid to meet an unwelcome face.  
Running away from the people who were supposed to be my family.  
Sometimes, when I'm not terrified and on the run from Serena, I can understand her.  
The desperation to belong. To have a family. Being homeless is maddening. Make you wish you were never born. I wonder what I would do for Nahuel or Charlie.. Would I kill or sell Alice and Jasper for them? While pondering at that thought and playing with Nahuel hand I realized I probably would.  
But unlike Joham, Nahuel and Charlie would do everything to not put me in that spot. They care for me more than they care for themselves. Thats why I love them.

At some point I fell asleep, it want that long of a flight.. Two and a half hours. Next time we're moving we're going to Sanford or Delaware. I'm either going to Uni or starting a business. Plus, I'd have a better excuse to not come to see Charlie. We got to Seattle and I realized why Nahuel thought a plain would be a better option. We have no way to run back. I held onto his hand religiously. so tense and stressed out and he let me.  
We rented a car and finally after 7 hours we were settled in our hotel room and I finally spoke.  
"Maybe you should get that pretty girl you were talking about. I wouldn't mind a cup of mud-blood-coffee." Nahuel turned to me, laughing softly at my idiotic joke and I noticed that even though he wasn't as tall as my father and only 5'8 while I'm almost 5'7 Nahuel has a way to make you feel like he is the tallest man in the room. In the world even. Like he's greater than life.  
"Yeah.. Umm no can do" I raised an eyebrow "I didnt bring my IV kit and I'm not going around making new horns or killing girls I'll get laid with. If anything you are our best option at the moment at getting human blood"   
I smiled and got up doing something that caught Nahuel by surprise. I hugged him.  
"Thanks for going vegetarian with me"  
He finally hugged back  
"As long as you won't try to make me a vegan and eat only human food" he let go. "Wanna race again?"

I have no idea how but suddenly there was a knock on the door that made my heart jump out its chest before I noticed the smell, it reminded me of a wolf and Sue Clearwater. I knew that scent but could not point it exactly. And so they knocked again "Ness! It's Seth!" I frowned but opened the door only to have him lift me up and hug me tight "look at my step.niece!" I laughed "my name is Carlie now" I corrected him "how did you even know I'm here?" I asked while he let me down. "Your boyfriend.." "He's not my boyfriend" I stopped him but he only smiled "fine, your not boyfriend called" I looked at Nahuel in shock "you fucking traitor!" He lifted his hands in a peace offering manner and escaped the room slowly"I was just helping Sue!" I looked back to Seth and thats when I noticed it, for the first time I saw Seth looking a little bit older.. Not by much, just a bit. He looked 30 instead of 21. "You grew up" I said absent mindedly and he looked embarrassed rubbing his neck "hmm, yeah"  
I knew he wouldn't explain so we set in silence for a moment on the beds until I asked "do they know I'm here too?" He knew what I meant without any need of explaining. Seth is easy to be around. And he's so tall too, it always felt nice as a child to have uncles such as Seth and Emmet. Making you feel safe. Seth is like the sun. He always was. Tall, lean, smiley and kind. Yet his face looked empathic for a moment "no, only me and Sue. She thought you'd appreciate the ride" I smiled at my uncle "we have a rented car you know" he flopped on the bed "boo you loser, didnt you steal one? Plus, with that hair I was sure you guys came on a bike. Do you top in bed now?" I hit him with a pillow and tried to ignore how red my face was "you're such an ass Seth!" Thats when Nahuel got into the room "oh look, my nephew in low!" Thats when I went bare hands to hit him "hey, hey, hey! I don't heal as fastly anymore!" I stepped back "you got old, you even look old, building on switching the grandpa spot?" He threw a pillow at me while Nahuel tried to back away elegantly. Escaping the room. "Rude" he scoffed "Nahuel isn't so good with families and he usually tries to give me space" Seth frowned "I wasn't talking about Nahuel but you!" I laughed "I look great for my age, I'm 45 in human years" I cringed "so old!" He laughed "you're 30 yourself grandma, and how old is your boyfriend again?? 1000?" I hit him with the pillow again "shithead" he turned around to face me "seriously though? How old is he??" "Approximately 180" I mumbled and he gaped at me "you took daddy issues to a whole new level kid" I hit him multiple times "ow, ow, okay! You win!" I humphed triumphantly "He's family. The only one I had beside you guys. It's not like that" he looked at me sadly "but you want it to" I shrugged and tried to play it cool "he's hot, have you seen him shirtless?" He chuckled "I bet thats a view to wake up to" he replied "what about your love life Seth?" I asked curiously, last time we talked he was still in the closet he smirked "guess who's out and about?!" "Shut up!" I slapped his chest a tad too hard than I planned and he groaned "you gotta stop being so violent, it'll keep the boys away." I laughed "oops." I proped myself so we could talk about it "tell me everything?" I asked and he smiled "maybe after we'll see Chief Swan. He misses you" I looked down "I missed him too. I'll go fetch Nahuel first and we can go, okay?"

The ride wasnt long enough for me to feel ready to see grandpa again. I felt bad about not seeing him for nearly a decade and worried about how he might look, will I be able to handle seeing a dying Charlie? When we got to the hospital my heart felt burdened by two things. One- a black Porsche I knew belonged to Carlisle. Two- I wanted to see Charlie. Seth must have noticed it too. He noticed the smell too. He looked so apologetic looking back at me.  
I went riggid in my chair. Nahuel must have thought I was stressed because he asked me "tell me what you think" I swallowed hard, my throat and mouth feeling exceptionally dry.  
"They're here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!!


	6. Long gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More reasons to love the Clearwaters.

***I was only a baby but I remember it. The conversation my dad had with Sam. How the only reasons they didn't attack was the numberly disadvantage since someone named Jacob took off with 3 more pack members and Seth stayed on guard for me. How a guy named Embry and Jacob were their best shot at winning and it's all gone. Leah asked Jacob to not attack so they all took off. By the time they had enough wolfs to come back and attack I was proven non threatening, Sue's favorite little thing and the volturi was putting on their own show.**  
**I used to spend a lot of time with Grandpa and at the Reservation. I met a lot of friends there, people who were nice, and some who weren't but overall I didn't feel like a monster there as much as i did home. Billi was grandpa best friend and always liked me, he taught me how to make fishes and he and grandpa taught me how to fish. He was always smiling but it never reached his eyes. In many ways he used to look like Sue. Like his heart was out and bleeding with how badly they missed their dear ones.**  
**The treaty was fickle ever since I could remember and for various reasons which the Cullens blamed me for. Honestly I do too. I am bad luck. But the more time I spent with Charlie and Sue the more the pack learnd to trust and even some of them liked me more than my own family.**  
**Hell, Emily got me a dream catcher on one of the times I was there and joked that being around vamps MUST give me nightmares. Seth taught me how to ride a bike. Sara, Billie's daughter took me cliff jumping at the La Push. I played with Claire and she genuinely liked me. That caused Quil at his return approve of me too. In the end what made the treaty fickle though I hadn't known back then was the way the Cullen treated me. Apparently Emily wanted me out of there the moment she saw the way I flinched from anybody. When she told it to Sam he got angry too. I remember once hearing Paul saying "they don't care for her now that she's not human or vampire enough? She's a half breed like us. I bet the only reason she's treated like that is because she's not strong like us. Assholes." I remember trying to protect them and explain it wasn't the case. It got to the point I burst crying when I couldn't change their minds and ran off. They sent Seth to fetch me in the end. Deciding he deals with tears best. When he asked me why did it make me so upset all I said was "I don't want them to hate me more. I want at least the treaty to be strengthen by me so they won't hate me!" And for the first time my uncle- even if not biological- reached and hugged my pain away.** *

"Ness, I'm so sorry" Seth was biting his bottom lip  
"Her name is Carlie" Nahuel fixed him, sounding utterly pissed.   
"Did you tell them?" My voice sounded like it wasn't mine. He shook his head furiously. "No! I swear!" I knew he wasn't lying. Ofcourse he wouldn't. I knew he wouldn't do it to me. He knew too much.  
"We can come back another day Carlie" Nahuel forced me to look at him "it isn't a big deal"  
I shook my head.  
"Seth, could you check who's in there and text me back?" He nodded reaching to get out the car "don't you want to try and face them? Don't you have stuff you want to say or ask?"  
"They're not my family. Hell, last time I saw them was 28 years ago. They don't even know me and I DEFINITELY don't want to know them. I came here for Charlie. If they can promise not to talk or come at me I'll even come in"  
"Even your mom?" He asked and I let out a shakey breath   
"Especially my mom and aunt Rosalie." I wouldn't be able to take it. They're the two women I cherish most. Even after all this time. If they'll reach me all of my shield will fall apart.

I will fall apart.

He nodded and went in.  
Nahuel took my hand and looked me in the eyes "we can always ditch" he said but I shook my hand "Charlie is the one person who was always there for me. I can't do that to him. He doesn't deserve that. I can only be selfish this far. I can't hurt him. He's the only person who ever loved me without me hurting him beyond repair" Nahuel took his hand away as if I burnt him "it wasn't your fault." He said  
"Yes it was. And when you didnt think of me as too fragile and talked honestly with me you said it too"  
He looked like I poured ecid down his throat. I felt so guilty "I keep hurting you. Even now. I'm so sorry Nahuel..." He looked like he wanted to say something but he remain silent and so did I. 

When Seth was back he stopped 5 feet before the car and I knew he was trying not to reveal our location, he texted instead 5 words.  
'Carlisle, Alice and your parents.'  
Fuck me.  
Oh hell no.   
I can't face them. No way in hell.  
'Will they leave?'  
I wrote back while biting my lip so hard it bled.   
He wrote after some thinking   
'Not without a proper reason' I sighed heavily and felt my heart breaking when he added 'you can take the car and leave. I won't blame you guys.'  
He tried not to look at his car and I appreciated it a lot more than he'll know. I gave the phone to Nahuel who looked just as conflicted as me  
"You call the shots this time."  
I avoided his eyes. I couldn't deal with those teal black piercing eyes.  
"I'm afraid I'd hurt my mom's feelings..." He waited for me to finish the sentence and when I didn't he asked of me "tell me what you're thinking"  
"I'm not sure this fear is well placed. I don't want to miss Charlie or hurt his feelings because of people who wouldn't even care about me. That would blame me and hate me more than they already do no matter what I'll do. That my mom is probably siding with at this point."  
Silence again. I was deep in thoughts for two more minutes.  
"A penny for your thoughts?" He asked me softly  
"You can order me to say it." I said harshly and he leaned his head back defeated.   
"I don't want to force you this time" I took his hand. Playing with the olive bronzed fingers. Such a delicate hand for a strong person  
"I'm struggling between what I want and what is right"  
He smiled sarcastically while mocking "-"what is right"- as if there's an answer to that. Well tell me Carlie. What IS right?"  
"Going to see charlie no matter the cost" He squeezed my hand.  
"Thats not what right for you. Breaking yourself and pushing yourself over the edge like that isn't right. Distancing yourself from toxic environment and pain that you can't bare isn't selfish. It's what right for YOU and you matter enough to be worthy of that. Stop throwing yourself away for other people's needs. You have YOUR needs which are more valid than you know."   
A tear escaped my eyes. And I bit my bloody lip again  
"I owe you so much Nahuel. You're the dearest person in my life." He smiled and shrugged it off  
"Yeah, I know, I'm pretty awesome"  
I giggled and released his hand to text Seth back.  
'Tell them the truth, it's fine. Tell them I can't take meeting them and that I want some alone time with Charlie. That this is the only way I can go in. I'll leave and go otherwise'  
He looked disappointed but nodded non the less and went to do as I asked. I stayed in the car until I saw them and I was shocked to see my mom going into one car while the rest of the Cullens went in another. My heart clenched in fear I made a mistake. That I hurt someone I shouldn't. That I was selfish.  
Nahuel saw my expression and shook his head. "You suffered enough for them and their peace and family for them to take a hit for you. I saw you back then. They owe you at least this much." His jaw clenched as we walked into the hospital.

We made one stop at gift shop since I saw something in the window that reminded me of Charlie first Christmas gift for me.  
A bracelet I've never took off with a pendet of a sun. The pendent is long gone but I don't care. And there is this lamp looking exactly like that pendant.  
So we walked in buying that with some flowers and a bag of chips. "The man is dying Carlie" I shrugged "1- you don't know that and 2- thats even a better reason to buy it."  
"You can take the spoils from kid yet you can't take a kid from being spoiled" I punched his hand "shut up fuckface" he chuckled "now wouldn't you like that?" I gasped and stopped in my tracks "go home grandpa" he laughed and walked in the elevator with me following and hissing profanities at him behind his back. His smile couldn't look more smug.

  
Once we finally found his room the first person I saw was Sue I ran to her hugging her tight "Granny!" She laughed softly "I missed you too Ness. Dear spirits! Look at your hair!". Then a stranger female voice laced with venom said "like the loch ness monster? How fitting" I could feel Nahuel tensing. He hasn't ever heard someone calling me a monster before so he wasn't used to it. I was. "Leah! Shut up before I'll hit you with Charlie's vital machine!" Sue said angrily. I only raised an eyebrow as I walked in to see a tall dark skin with red undertone woman. She was almost as beautiful as hulien was. Or the Amazonas. "Leah?" I asked sheepishly. "Don't talk like we know murderous blood sucker" Nahuel got to her before I could stop him. They were the same height "who the fuck do you think you are?" She grimaced at his face "yuck, she brought her monster boyfriend too? Aren't we having quite the Frankenstein show here." I reached my hand to Nahuel. "It's fine Nahuel, she was just a werewolf for too long. It's not personal" she turned to me looking disgusted "oh? But it.." Before she could finish the sentence Seth got involved and got her out of the room.  
Sue looked so embarrassed I couldn't stay mad even if I wanted to.  
"I'm sorry about it. She has quite the temper."  
I shrugged it off "it's fine. Not the first time it happened to me. I assume he isn't awake?" She nodded.  
"The meds knocked him out 10 minutes before you came."  
I reached for the bag I was carrying "it's fine. I missed you guys too much to care for this" and so I went to see my grandpa.  
He looked skinny and I know that probably drove Sue mad. No more was the black hair with silver strikes. I leaned and kissed his head before whispering "hey grandpa" I turned to Sue to see her tearing up at the sight of my present. "It reminded me of his gift" I said softly as she set down.  
"He bought that to you saying he has a granddaughter prettier than the sun and she should start smile like that too" she chuckled "I wanted to marry him that very moment."  
I smiled softly. "He's the best grandpa a girl could ask for." Nahuel got in with three cups of tea. I didn't even notice him leave. He handed a cup to Sue "I'm sorry for the lack of manners before. Please accept my apology." she took the cup and reached a hand to his shoulder.   
"If anything I should apologize for my daughter behavior. Please, we owe you so much for taking care of our little Nessie" he chuckled. "You're not giving her the Carlie crap?" He asked me  
"Nah.. She's too dear for me to not let her have her way" I smile before sipping on my tea.  
Sue reached to hug me and I let her.  
"So Granny how can we avoid the Cullens?" I asked in her embrace. She sighed heavily "I'll get Seth and we'll figure something out together. Though I would prefer for you to talk to Charlie about it first"   
"Anything my queen desires" I said in a fake British accent


	7. A Burden to Carry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate kodus and comments. I'd love to hear some opinions on this project.  
> Feel shy not for I am an idiot!
> 
> this is a bit of a heavier one. I usually put in a lot more comedy but what can I say? It felt needed for story development.
> 
> Also, here's a hair reference for how I imagine renesmee hair and shape  
> Don't worry if you went shorter, just imagined it growed a bit since then.  
> I also think it got darker because usually hair tends to be a bit darker short than full length and Ness had some crazy long curly according to the book and wavy in the movies hair
> 
> https://images.app.goo.gl/dFRGN4UTUEWJ7s1G6
> 
> As a softly curled/waved hair girl I know that when he was short I couldn't control the curls although when he's long for some reason the roots area went straight?  
> Idk,  
> America exblain!

***"the only difference between Abraham and Cain wasn't in their characters or who they were" the professor said. I was learning the philosophy of the bible because why not? I wasn't particularly religous and so is this course I'm gonna be here for a long time- might as well enjoy it. "The difference was in god's treatment to them. Cain- just like Abraham- was a believer. That's why he proposed to sacrifice and gratitude the lord. But not only did god not accept his pray when he did finally talk to him he said "if you do well, will you not be accepted?" I believe that is what Cain heard. Taunting him was his god which he adored, criticizing that he is not good enough. Yet in the Hebrew book of genesis there is a different phrasing which could also mean- if you'd get better, stronger, kinder- you could carry this burden." ואם תיטיב, שאת the professor wrote on the board in unfamiliar language and explained how. שאת also means carry. "They say god tested Abraham but I think he tested Cain first. Yet Cain couldn't carry that burden. The burden of a rejection. Of a child abandoned of his parental love. That is why god was willing to forgive and protect the first murderer in history. The god that said eye for an eye did not take a life for a life in the case of Cain. The mark of Cain to me is a way of god to help a child who didnt make the cut. Whom couldn't carry his burden. A way to show Cain he's still loved and has a home." The professor paused "your assignment for this week is to write a paper about why do you think god chose the mark of Cain and what exactly is that mark and do you think Abraham succeeded where Cain failed?" I remember getting home that day and telling to Nahuel I want him to tattoo me. He looked like I told him I peed in he cereals. I realized that I wish I had the mark of Cain. A monster, a murderer just like me, had to leave his family yet he was cared for at least by god. He had at least someone to leave a mark on him that wasn't a scar. In the end I wrote in my paper that I do not know what the mark of Cain was but I do know what it wasn't. It wasn't a scar. I want to believe it wasn't an emotional scar either. That it was one of Cain only good memory. The professor didn't like that concept though***

The more I talked with Sue about my memories of Charlie the more I realized he was my mark of Cain. One of my few beacon of light and hope that not only emotionally attached us together but also marked me.

He marked me in my humor, my ability to deal with stuff, gave me the power to love and not just shut everyone out of my life. Even some of my awkwardness. I was marked that way by Nahuel too and I wandered if he was marked by me too. I hoped he was. The people who were there for me. That cared, that tried to reach me when no one else did. If I'm whole in any way or form I owe it all to them.

When Seth finally returned it was an hour later with a different set of cloths and he looked so upset. Sue looked livid. "She made you phase?!" I felt the need to shrink under Sue's voice and the anger wasn't even appointed at me. Seth looked up sighed in a way that felt like he was holding back tears. "It was an accident. She didn't mean to and she's sorry" and then added with a weak voice "I was trying SO hard" I knew what he meant. If they don't phase long enough they start aging again. I guessed his partner obviously wasn't a werewolf and he wanted to grow old with him. I was pissed at Leah too all of a sudden. How selfish can a person be?!

While we talked on ways I can visit Charlie without meeting my family Charlie finally stirred and woke. His voice was so weak and when he reached a hand to me and touched my face I don't know why but I couldn't stop the tears "renesmee," he said my name astonished. As if he cannot believe his eyes and then he frowned and added "your hair!" I laughed through the tears as I kissed his hand. "Oh grandpa, I missed you **so** much" he laughed softly "not enough to visit forks" I laughed back "hey, those tickets I bought you and Sue to visit me were pricy you know. You're lucky I don't have social life so I have enough money to do so" Sue came close and put her hands on my shoulder smiling when Charlie groaned "it was on the playoff! You know football is holy for me!" I laughed again. I knew it wasn't it. Sue wasn't well back then and she didn't want anyone to know. I faked a groan and rolled my eyes, letting go of his hand "fine.. I'll come visit once a year if you promise to get well" he tucked himself better under the covers "now here is a reason to follow the doctors orders."

We had a nice small talk, talking about my philosophy B.A. and how I want to study law next which to that he responded "don't even bother. Trust me, I know, I'm a cop" he and Sue kept ruffling my hair and telling me it actually looks good once you get used to it. I felt warm. I felt I was with family. eventually he turned to Nahuel who was chatting and getting to know Seth "hey, bodyguard!" I rolled my eyes as Nahuel turned to him with amused eyes. "Thank you for taking care of my Renesmee. I could never thank you enough." Nahuel looked almost embarrassed "it's fine, she's a good cook and she know how to work a washing machine. That's quite a bargain" Charlie smiled a sad smile. "She's just like Bells used to be" I flinched at that.

The aura in the room already darkened enough for me to allow myself to ask "What's your condition? Truly. No pink coating." I requested while taking his hand in mine again, keeping it warm. He sighed heavily. "I'm 68 years old. The odds are not too bright but so far I've been responding to the treatments well so I have about 50% shot"

like a coin flip.

Heads or tail with Charlie's life at stake.

I'm not religious. Someone as monstrous as me probably doesn't have a god to hear her. Yet at that moment I prayed in my heart.

I prayed that Charlie will not be abandoned. That he'd give me a few more years of his weekly calls. Of awkward happy holiday giftcards we send each other. God, please, I'll do anything. Please God, give me a sign, a request, a test, anything I can do to save Charlie. To once in my life not to be pure bad luck.

"I.. I have a request Ness." Charlie started Oh god no. _i thought we were friends_ I accused god grimly. Knowing what's to come.

"I want you to at least meet your mom... I want to at least have one memory of you two side by side." I sighd heavily and let go of Charlies' hand. Leaning back in my chair. "Paps.." I said worryingly. "Please Ness, you don't have to talk or see each other again once you'd leave the room. But please, you two and Sue are the women of my life. I want a memory of you all, as women, together." And he looked so desperate I couldn't say no. I knew I wouldn't be able to.

Nahuel came to my aid seeing me biting my lip pondering yet smelling the blood. He knew how hard it is for me. "Did Bella ask you of this?" He asked calmly but his firy eyes showed how upset he really was. Grandpa shook his head. "She wouldn't dare." "Edward then?"

"..."

Grandpa silence said what words couldn't. Nahuel seemed so irritated when he said "Carlie has been through enough because of that man and his selfishness" he talked calmly. I felt like I'm listening to a business man trying to convey someone of a deal. "I know, trust me." He looked at me. "Your mom does too. Thats why she would never ask me of this. She feels like she has no right." Carlie laid back staring at the ceiling "Ness, do you even know what happened to your mom and Rosalie after you left?" My heart clenched. "Edward knows I'm talking to you. One of the reasons I refused to know your address or where you are is because I didn't want to have them coming for you. Though I doubt they'd dare to do so in the claim of your own good after what Sue and Emily did to them."

He looked back at me "he's been asking for years. Ever since your mom left him.." "What?!" I said shocked. "My mom, Bella, the same woman we're talking about, left my dad?? Edward?" He cleared his throat "it's a long story" Sue interfered this time "and charlie must be tired" I took his hand and apologized "sorry grandpa" "Look kid, I'm not asking this for your dad. I'm doing this for me and for your mom. I truly do want this and I want to see the three of you happy. I might not make it.." I shook my head furiously ".. And there's nothing I'd want more than to know all my women has each other and could get through this. Like the strong women I know you are." And I knew that moment that I'm gonna meet my mom.

My mom whom I haven't seen in over 20 years. More like 30 now that I think of it.

We left almost two hours after with Seth. On our way back to the hotel suddenly Seth took a sharp turn. Thats when Nahuel and I noticed it too. We were being followed.

I grasped into the door handle in fear before asking shakely "do you recognize the smell?" Seth nodded I let go of a breath I didnt know I held. Thank god. It's not Serena. "Do you know who exactly?" Nahuel asked I haven't met them in so long I forgot their scents completely. Also, Seth due to transferring not so long ago and meeting them not so long ago would be more sharp. "I think it's your father" I took a deep breath. "What's the best bar or diner you know around?" I asked and Seth understood and started driving. This is inevitable. Might as well face it at numberous advantage and with Nahuel by my side.

Let's just hope he's truly alone.

"You don't have to do it" Nahuel said. "I can take him for you. And you can run. He can't hear your thoughts." I shook my head "I'm gonna meet my mom. Might as well take him out of the way. I trust him to not be violent in a public space and I'd rather him not having excess to a place where he can catch us alone. You can always catch him by surprise more easily in a public place if he'll try something funny." I also don't want to risk you. I added in my head."

Edward won't treat you like that." Seth said.

"My father didnt harm me for the sake of my mother and my mother alone. He despise me. I heard it enough times to know. Now he doesn't have her and I bet his teenage boy mindset blames me for that too as if I'm the worst villain the world has ever seen." I replied and shrugged it off. Not telling anyone I think he's right.

Not telling them that if it wasn't for them I might have let him kill me if he'd try.

I feel guilty enough as it is. As we drove I thought of my father. Will I be able to face him or even say a word if he'd blame me though? Didn't I agree with almost every word he ever said to me? I never had him by my side. Hell, if it wasn't for Charlie and Nahuel I would have been totally alone. They were my only protection. My mark of Cain. And it felt like all my sins are coming after me. Demanding their payment.

We stopped at the parking and tried to hurry inside before they'd have a chance to catch us outside. It really was Edward. Getting to door a second behind. So we hurried in before he had a chance to say anything.

For an afternoon the diner had enough costumers to help us avoid conflicts. The diner had both a deck like my work place but it was bigger. So while we only had sofa booths and woodened tables surrounding the deck this place had both the sofa booths and round mettle tables scattered around. The man who is my father frowned while looking at me. Looking frustrated. Nahuel saw it as a sign of threat. Taking my hand and pulling me behind his back. His big shoulders hiding me completely. "I.. I promise I'm not here to hurt you" the angelic voice of my father said. Nahuel growled at him and I could practically feel my father anger rise before talking so harshly to Nahuel I felt an urge to protect Nahuel instead of the other way around. "If she doesn't want to talk she can tell me herself. You don't know the first thing about me, my life or **my** pain you bastard." I couldn't bare him talking to Nahuel like that. Especially the way he insulted his origins. Parents are a sore spots for us both. I took a step forward despise Nahuel pressing hand. "That's enough Edward" I saw his face getting angry. I guessed he didn't like being called by his first name by me. Seth put a hand on both Nahuel and Edward. "People are watching" he said and led us to one of the booths near the back wide windows. It was smart.

The table was big. Edward sat next to the window with Seth next to him. Nahuel sat semi inftont of Edward. Trying to put as much space as possible yet being able to easily maintain eye contact if needed. I sat almost at the edge. As if ready to bolt at any second. The desk we sat at was mettle as well and when I looked down I saw my reflection.

The first thing I noticed was how tan my skin is. Especially as I saw my father in the corner of my eye and how pale he was. I wasn't as tan as Nahuel but still. My eyes were brown but I'm not sure my mom hadn't had a bit darker brown than this. Sometimes in the Cali sun they look like dark honey. Thick brown lashes and my hair got a bit longer. He looked quite messy. Probably all that hair ruffling. The bronze color I had as a young girl wasn't there as much anymore. I had some sun strucked shades and more towards the brown hair my mom had. At least that's how I wanted to see it. Not to be attached not even physically to Edward. The waitress took our order- well, more like Seth order and left.

"Renesmee..." He called and I knew he wanted me to look at him.

I kept looking down.

Playing with my fingers in my lap. I sighed and raised my eyebrows "Just say what you want and go." I wanted this to be over with. "We want you to come back." My head shot up and all of us looked at Edward wide eyed.

What?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head, the reason why I thought this story line is a goof idea is because I felt like renesmee is so loved and treasured by her family of gods. She has protection all around although she goes through hardships she's never alone.  
> In my head that's how I view biblical Abraham.  
> I wanted a version of her that is abandoned and more Cain like.  
> That is struggling to communicate with the world and show the price of it.  
> I feel like this is more relatable renesmee.  
> One who chooses goodness and kindness although her hardships and her being alone.


	8. Ripping at the seams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM DOIMG NAHUEL POV!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A song link!!!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/track/3Nf8oGn1okobzjDcFCvT6n?si=u8iA3HMSTMOjc3ftBfU9dA
> 
> It's called "I'll stand by you" 
> 
> I'll add another cover link in another spot too. This song suits the entire chapter but there's a place I want it especially and I would be grateful if you'd listen to it from the spot I put the link in till the end and let the chapter linger a bit pretty please.  
> I want some TEARS!

***I loved seeing my aunt making cloths, making the fabrics sometimes. It was a hobby of her. I remember when my father returned almost over a hundred years after we first met. My aunt Huilen was sewing seams tightly. I remember her explaining to me how this to her is the most important part of the clothing. "you see, a well tight seam promises the fabrics to stay as you want it. But thats one purpose. To me, a well sewed seam means the fabric you worked so hard for, that you created and loved is gonna stay whole and safe" when I asked her why she cares about it so much she said "your mom made the fabric that is called Nahuel and her love and spirit will always make you the man you are. I am the maker of your seams. That is my job. I felt that ever since I woke up from the burning of the change." She lifted a tender marble hand and touched my cheek lightly. "You might not be a fabric I created but I will make your seams. I know that it doesn't matter who's your father. You're too much like my sister to even notice him. You are Pire fabric. You can see it in your every fiber." She finally finished the dress "and you are also my seams".**  
**Than that monster showed.**  
**Trying to tear me and Huilen apart.**  
**Threatening me to come with him.**  
**Apparently he didn't manage to have other sons apart me no matter how much he tried.**  
**Not only did we refuse but we chased him away with his life barely hanging.**  
**Aunt Huilen was so angry she ripped his balls off yelling THAT'S FOR PIRE and burnt them. She looked at the fire and smiled "I will never let anyone hurt my fabric Nahuel. I am your seams."**  
**That was the beginning of our end***

Nahuel p.o.v.  
I was having hard time breathing.  
No.  
No way in hell.  
A million thoughts and protests were going through my head yet all that came out was an aggravated "WHAT?!"  
Carlie was frozen next to me.  
"Please, Ness, I know better now. We all do. It doesn't matter if you're around or not. My family knows now we are torn regardless and that we were selfish." He looked like he was about to cry, only if vampires could "I now know so much better. Please give us another chance"  
Carlie looked down biting her lip and I relaxed a bit knowing what she would say.  
"I can't."   
Ness, Renesmee, Carlie. It doesn't matter how she's called. That woman was part of me.  
I didn't know it back then.   
After Huilen death I screamed and cursed at her. Blaming her for Huilen death. Calling her a freak and a monster.  
I didn't know what now seemed so obvious. Huilen didn't stand a chance against Serena. Renesmee saved my life. She is the seams to my fabric.  
I believe Huilen and mom sent her to me. Making me a complete fabric.  
I will forever regret what I said to her. I will forever be grateful for her not giving up on me. Sticking to me like a kicked dog returning to its owner. She begged me to help her redeem herself and to not be a monster anymore.  
That's when I thought like my father. Fight his army with my own of that barely 12 years looking girl.  
The first time I realized she's someone worth keeping, even as a sister, for the long run was when the first anniversary to huilen death. I was broken and hatefull. I physically pushed her away from the cave we were staying at back then. she came back few hours later, bloodied and wounded. She looked barely alive. Carrying a panther.  
"They taste best" she said before collapsing.  
It was while attending to her that I knew she wasn't a burden. She was exactly what I needed.  
I wondered if Edward can mute his mind reading or maybe he didnt see images. If he saw the image of wounded nearly dying Ness in my head he had no reaction to it.  
"Renesmee please, give us a chance, at least come for an eve or two. That's all I'm asking for." She shook her hand but I could see her shakey hands. I knew how fragile her refusal was.  
"You can't even think about it and give an answer later?" Seth asked. _Traitor_. I thought.  
She hesitated before asking "what about mom and aunt Rosalie?" She asked softly as the food arrived. I saw such a pain engraved on Edward face you would have thought Carlie ripped his heart out of his chest.  
"Bella is too hurt to be around us, around me more accurately, without you. She lasted almost 12 years. Now it got to the point I barely see her."  
"Rosalie?"  
He swallowed hard. "I.. I'd rather not talk about it."   
She let the matter go.  
And then he said it. I didn't think he had it in him. Like he knew exactly what to tell her.  
"Renesmee, we are sorry. We went looking for you but the werewolfs didn't let us pass. We want to try to be your family" and I saw it. I saw Carlie face crumble and I saw an expression of desperation I haven't seen in a long time.  
A face I haven't in a long time.  
I saw Renesmee.  
And I felt it the way I haven't felt since that day I meet her.  
Terror.  
Like I was ripping at the seams.

  
Edward left first, letting us eat in peace. Like Ness could eat after that.  
They hurt her so much and they never knew.  
Ness is not a weaker version of her parents powers.  
Oh, no.  
She's a stronger one.  
She is just blocked.   
She wasn't just a mind reader at a touch. She could read thoughts like her fathers if she would let the bar down. Not only that she could sense someone feelings as well.  
I know that because of when she told me of how she found us. She said she heard Huilen scream. That it was such a terrifying heart wretching sound that she heard she was begging god, the spirits and Pire to save me. I know she didnt say that. I know Serena took that ability from her.  
  
I can only imagine how she felt at that house. She felt every bad emotion they felt towards her. Their hate for her and her own self hatred mending into one. She hated hearing their thoughts and feelings to the point where she turned that ability off. Protecting herself from them. They are still off because even now she still can't believe she's not hated. That she wouldn't be hurt by others thoughts again.

She lost her shield because of me. 

This is something I'll never forgive myself for. This is one reason in a long list of why I would never make her mine. I am no better than her family.  
The little that was left I destroyed with my agony. I didn't blame her. I know Huilen couldn't truly be saved. I was mad at myself for not dying with her. I hated Ness for not letting me die.  
That day Serena made Huilen rip her own head off and tearing her own limbs I was too far to stop her and I was blind. Avoiding Serena's powers. Serena knew I would close my eyes. That's why she made sure Huilen won't make a sound. So I'd have to open my eyes if I wanted to help her or save her. I didn't. I reached for my machete. I was going to kill myself. I knew that there was nothing I could've done to save Huilen so at least I could prevent her what she wanted as a revenge. That's when Ness interfered. Jumping infront of me. Looking Serena straight in the eyes and telling her to stop. I was so surprised I opened my eyes to look at her. I thought I was doomed until I noticed Serena staring daggers at us. It was useless. She was useless. And then in a scream of anger she let Huilen on fire.   
Renesmee was so shocked she screeched a "NO!" And it was like a bomb went off. All of a sudden Serena flew like a rag doll nearly 5 miles away and so did everything around us. Including Huilen burning pieces and I knew it was final. Huilen is dead.  
That little creature which I recognized only then as Renesmee fainted that very moment. I picked her up and ran. Thinking she might be my best shot at avenging Huilen and my mom. That I could do to them a lot worse than they did to me. To actually enjoy the sound of their screams.  
I regret it all so much.  
The way I treated her afterwards.   
The way I took advantage of her desperation to prove she's not a monster.  
The way I played those cards and emotionally manipulated her for a full year.  
I thought it was fine because she kept smiling everytime I called her back. It wasn't.  
It tore down whatever was left of her shield. She felt as if she wasn't worthy of protection. That day she came back with the panther. Dripping with her blood and sorrow and guilt and self hate I realized my damage.  
She pushed back her own shield. She felt she was unworthy of any type of protection.   
It was practically self harm.  
That almost 4 year old was self harming.  
Because of me.  
Huilen was wrong. I'm nothing like my mom. I am exactly like my father. Just as monstrous.  
Renesmee is wrong. She's not a monster.  
She never was. She was my guardian angel.   
She is my everything.  
What keeps and kept me from falling apart.

  
We got to the hotel way later than we planned. As we walked through the door I could feel Ness breaking around the edges. Frozen by the closed door.  
I took a blanket and reached to her, putting it around her shoulders. She reached out and hugged me so strongly, so powerfully that I got taken aback. Trying to pull back but she only gripped more desperately "please Huel, wait"  
Oh shit.  
I avoided the way my heart clenched with want.  
I knew from her voice she was crying.  
I finally let my hands wrap around her. She pressed her face to my chest in a manner I know meant she's trying not to sob. Not to show her tears.  
I let her. Picking her up while wrapping the blanket around her like a burrito. Sitting her on the bed with me. I lolled her back and forth I sang to her one of my favorite chill songs. Slowly and nearly whispering the words to her hair. It used to make her feel better when she was little.  
"Oh.. Why you look so sad.. Tears are in your eyes... [C'mon and talk to me.. Now..](https://open.spotify.com/track/7zdaLRVLJJSXjdQB1tFZRJ?si=6-2DpX9bRR26MpSmJc7k_g)

~~(That's the song link guys ^^^^^^^^^^^)~~

That's when it finally happened. For the first time in my life I heard Ness sobbing while conscious.  
I wanted to take her back to Cali.  
I regretted ever coming here or letting her come. How could I have been so stupid to think she could avoid her past here? I wanted to tare the Cullens to pieces.  
I took a deep breath and looked down at the wild beautiful curly hair who's owner was holding on to me like I'm her life line and not the other way around. I knew that no matter what she'd choose I'll be there by her side. No matter when or where or with whom she'd go. I will always be there.  
Because it is my job to redeem myself as well.  
To prove I'm not a monster.  
To stand by her.  
To help her.  
She finally calmed down and fell asleep. I kissed the top of her head while pulling her up, hugging her closer, cupping her head by my neck.  
To be selfish for a little longer and try not to be separated from her.  
I could never swear with her until death do us part so I'll swear this instead- until I die or she doesn't want me there anymore.

Until I'll be ripped from my seams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I usually have a chill and lay still policy at weekends so I might not post on Saturday or Sunday.  
> LOVE YA, SEE YA TOMORROW!!!


	9. Strong feelings means you're alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back To Ness POV 😋
> 
> A.happier one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked last chapter but the last two episodes were emotionally intense.

***"Nahuel!" I yelled to him from the living room. As if he wouldn't hear if I talked normally. When I heard something fall and him saying "fuck" I smiled widely.**  
**He came to the living room in a dash "what was that for fetus?!" I rolled my eyes. I hated when he did it. "Shut up shorty" "excuse you?!" "Oh, shut up and listen!" I put on a song.**  
**We were living at Miami at the time I was 16 and was all about going to highschool and living life as best I can. I don't know exactly when but somewhere along the road me and Nahuel became family. I worked part time after school in a library and Nahuel who finished his studies two years ago became programmer. The salary was good and we lived in a not shitty apartment for a change. Nahuel apparently collected quite the artifacts in his 160 years of life. Old gold, and ancient tribal artifacts he got from his mom and huilen. I begged him not to but he sold them. It did give us a breathing space for the first two years and funded his studies too. He only left to him two necklaces. Well, three if you count his own. He was now Huel Pirlen and I was Nessie Swan.**  
**"This shitty song is the reason you made me almost drop my croissant???" I burst into giggles. He learnd about memes and cellphones along the way and if you thought the sixties were wild you should have seen Nahuel during the early 10th of this century.**  
**"Almost my ass. I heard something fall"**  
**"Don't you have homework of something? Have you finished learning the ABC??" I hated when he talked like that. We are about to go practice combat in half an hour anyway. Might as well start early.**  
**"I don't know, have you learned to..." I punched him square in the jaw "avoid this?!"**  
**He groaned "what the hell Ness?!" He rubbed his jaw, looking for damages "quit whining, it wasn't strong enough to break anything" I said smug "oh, is that so??" He picked me up so quickly I just made an embrassing squicking voice, wrapping my hands around him. In less than a minute we were at a distanced empty part of the port. Nahuel didnt have quite the soft landing so we fell. Him blocking it, hands tightly wrapped around my waist and head as we rolled to a stop. Me on top of him. When I lifted my head my inhumanly long bronze curly hair fell in a way that created this veil curtain around us. He was frowning in a groan but he still looked so pretty I thought my heart was gonna burst. At some point we were staring at eachother. His teal black eyes paralyzing me to my spot. I couldn't move or break eye contact and for a second I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.**  
**"You're blushing" he whispered so softly but it was as if I was tasered.**  
**I was on my feets in a blink of an eye "I... It's the adrenaline dickface!!"***

I woke with a startle, getting as far away from Nahuel as I could which made him wake up too. I tried hiding my red face but my hair is not long enough for this anymore.  
"Ness, is everything okay??" He asked worried and cupped my face, trying to make me look at him. I ran into the bathroom before he could do anything like that.  
God, I hadn't had those type of dreams in a while.  
I always felt so embarrassed and guilty around Nahuel whenever I had an inappropriate dream about him.  
He was like my big brother! He didn't think of me this way.  
So why did I keep thinking of him like that..?  
".. Are you okay?" He asked hesitate.  
I swallowed the lump in my throat before talking trying to make myself sound decent but I still sounded breathless.  
"Yeah! J.. Just a nightmare!"  
Nahuels' reply was confusing. A small heartbroken "oh.." And I wondered what did I say to make him sound so sad? Why do I keep hurting all the people around me? Nahuel surprised me with his next question.  
"Do you want to practice today?"  
"Oh?! You wouldn't mind?"   
I could hear the smile in his voice "nah, we both need this"

He took me deep into the forest before we found a partial clearing in the woods. We put our bags down (they held water and first aids kit since we are part human after all). Nahuel and I took our spots, I was waiting for his move and he got into his fighting stance but before we could start I stopped him "wait!" I raised my hand and reached for my phone "oh cOME ON NESS!" I went through my song list "it's an essential you whiney baby!" "But it's the same songs for the past twenty years!" I put on the song and rolled my eyes at him "it's a classic." I said in a sharp tone and Nahuel pretended throwing up the moment he heard 'blackpink in your area!' I rolled my eyes at him "are we gonna do this or are you gonna be a baby for today??" Nahuel laughed shortly before getting into fighting stance "oh, she asked for it" he said under his breath before bolting like a bullet at me. When he got to me I let him reach nearly to my face before jumping and doing a backflip. Reaching my hands while in the middle of the air to grab his shoulders only to grab nothing and land on my face.   
Fuck.   
An illusion.  
I could hear Nahuel laugh once I started fighting the illusion. Pushing it away.   
"Asshole! That's foul play!"   
He only laughed harder. My landing must have been a sight to behold. "It's practice!" I heard him from my far left. That's when I urged my shield. Using anger and the need to wipe that smug grin from his face as a stimulator. It worked. He knew it did because now I was the one bolting towards him. He nearly lost focus when I came to him. "Oh, shit!" He said before ducking to the side and avoiding me.  
"C'mon Ness! This is practice" he said while running as I bolted after him.  
"Practice my ass! I'm about to end your whole career asshole!"  
He only laughed harder before making a back flip and grabbing me in a choke hold. we were both panting when he leaned a little too close. This time an Itzy song was playing and he whispered in my ear in a voice that gave me goose bumbs "this song isn't as bad".  
Like my heart wasn't beating hard enough already.  
I threw my head back, hitting him so hard he groaned, making him see stars. "Told ya." I said as he held his head in his hands. "What the fuck Ness! This is how I get my food! Don't harm the face!" I snorted at him "you should be grateful I'm not ripping your face off" then he looked in my eyes and everything went dark.  
I fell down to my knees.  
Shit I wasn't ready for that. I could feel the panic raising. This is not good! Shit! Shit! I need to calm down and fight it off. I knew I was screaming because my throat was hurting. That was good. I reached to where I knew my hand was supposed to be and pinched myself letting the pain prove myself it's all an illusion. I had some grip on reality.  
I started pushing back and I could hear Nahuel "I'm gonna push harder so push as hard as you can! Fight me off!" And I felt the pressure of the darkness starting to intense back but this time I knew I could bounce it off and I did. Finally I shed Nahuel influence like shedding off a shirt.  
I fell back panting and he ran to me and put his leg on my panting chest though not pressing. "You're okay? Should we stop? I already won.." I closed my eyes. Swallowing hard before grabbing his leg too fast for him to react and twisting it. Dislocating it and making him drop to the ground. I got up only to squat next to his ear.  
"Now we can stop." He fixed his leg back to place laughing "you crazy bitch" I tried to flip my hair back although I couldn't anymore. It was just the gesture now. I leaned down to whisper in his ear "the one and only". He flopped back and I joined him in the dirt.

  
We did 2 more rounds in the end before we came back to the hotel. Tomorrow we're going to see Charlie again and while all bruised and healing, with the adrenaline still pumping in my blood I was actually happy. All the anxiety and pain and memories were gone. All that left is my quality time with Nahuel and the knowledge I'll get to see Charlie tomorrow.  
I got out of the shower in a large shirt and an hotel towel in my hands, trying to dry my hair. Nahuel groand "thank GOD! I thought you'd never get out of there!" I smiled softly reaching for my phone "it's your fault for losing" I answered calmly "you're lucky, one more minute and I would have entered there consequences be damned" I turned around fakely reaching to my suitcase when in all honesty I was trying to hide my blush "for so many complaints you're still not in the shower" he laughed as he went in.   
I laid back on my bed, enjoying the silence, the feeling of calmness. Of home.  
That was weird.  
Home?  
And then I thought about it... Yeah, home. I have Nahuel and Charlie. I might get to meet mom and Rosalie. I'm not hated anymore. Maybe somewhere along the way I have redeemed myself. Maybe it's Nahuels' or Charlies' powers? I smiled softly and reached to my rib cage. There was a tattoo there that Nahuel gave me and although it needs to be renewed every six months it was totally worth it. A mark less permanent than the mark he left in my heart but still. I giggled remembering his frown when I told him I want it to be The Mark of Cain. He started the tattoo but only after two lines he paused to ask "wait, did you mean the words or a shape?" I still laugh whenever I think of that.  
I can't wait for tomorrow.

We got to Charlie the moment visiting hours started and this time he was sitting and looked a tad better actually reaching for a hug. I hugged him tight and he whispered to me "please tell me you brought another bag of chips" I laughed and hugged tighter while doing my best not to crush the fragile man. "You know I did" he let go and turned to Sue "this girl is my savior" Sue laughed and Leah walked into the room that very moment "a true night in shining armor" she said sarcastically. Sue and Seth gave her a dirty look. she rolled her eyes "oh come on, I come in peace" Seth snorted and she gave him a dirty look "fine, as peacfull as I can get. Happy?" Seth relaxed in his seat.  
She turned to me and that's when I noticed Seth looks older even though he's the baby brother. Her face is still beautiful. The cheekbones and full lips, the black hair like Nahuels'. Her eyes are not as dark as his. "So.." She scanned me like one would a piece of clothing "all this effort and heartbreak and you took off not even two year after?" She chuckled "irony would hang herself" I smirked "she would if she could she would but she's married to sarcasm and he already beat her to death" Leah looked so surprised for a second and then burst into a laugh. "Oh, wow. Thats a good one! Dark humor from someone with the Cullen's and Bella biology, who would have thought? I'll see if I can annoy my pack with that." Everyone looked so surprised but I felt as if it was so natural that we'd laugh like that. We were both in more ways than one sisters to pain. To rejection.  
"I got the update from Quil and Emily on why you left... I'm sorry" Seth was so shocked to hear her apologies he let out a "shut up!" I laughed at that "it's okay, people who know my family don't usually like me. I didnt expect this to be different. At least with you it took one sentence to sort it out"  
She ruffled my hair, her hair was almost the same length "you're cool kid"  
And that was it. I'm glad that was it. Leah didnt feel like someone to cross fire with.  
Plus, she's my step aunt. I had my fair share of hatefulness in the family for a life time.  
We stayed there all of us eating chips and gossiping. Mostly about Nahuel and to his face. "A programmer... Fancy." Leah looked impressed "is that why you're doing him?" I blushed so hard she laughed. She reached for the chips bag, not waiting for my reply. "he's sort of a 200 years old sugar daddy?" Nahuel looked at Sue and Charlie shaking his head and putting his hands out to protest "it's not like that! I swear!" He looked terrified and I laughed so hard. "It's not like that." Leah frowned "what? You're actually dating the guy? With feelings and all??" Then she added in a mumble "girl took daddy issues to a whole new level.." Seth clapped his hands and pointed at me "I told her that too!" I shook my head "we're not dating. He's my family in many ways, kinda like your pack, we're alike and we get each other and he's here for me and I'm there for him" Sue was the one talking now "Sounds like dating to me" Charlie laughed so hard he started coughing.  
I ended that visit with a date set. Setting when I'll meet my mom. I wasn't as anxious as I thought I'd be.   
I felt light.  
Happy.  
At home.  
I couldn't help myself as I reached Nahuel hand when we were at the car. This time not for comfort and when he asked why I'm doing this I told him "I don't know.. I think I want to share how happy I'm feeling right now with you" he chuckled and kept driving to the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guyssss leave kodus! I really appreciate the support.  
> (Also, almost a 100 hits on my first ever work and it's not even a week in???? Whaaaaaatt?!?!?!. Mind blowing. LOVE YA GUYS


	10. I missed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To me Renesmee is someone with traumas and scars yet she doesn't mop around. She wants to do and be better.  
> Unlike Cain she choose goodness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I updating too much?  
> I just really want to build a good faith between Ness and the Cullens and create a good story wise environment for her to meet Jake in.  
> Yet at the same time I don't want to wing Renesmee and her inner world. 
> 
> I hope I'd reach over 100 hits by Saturday.  
> WISH ME LUCK!

***I hate being home. I hated the looks I got. The way I felt there. I don't know why but at home it was so easy to hate myself. To think I'm a monster. It was inevitable.**  
**Dad wouldn't talk to me if mom wasn't around at this point. I know I'm easy to hate. I know why he thinks I'm a monster. The first thing I did when I came to this world was to bite and try suck dry my own mother. How and why would anyone believe I didn't try to eat her from the inside? That I was choking in her womb and that's why I thrashed so hard I broke her spine? That I did my best not to move.**  
**Would they even listen if I said it?**  
**Would they believe a monster like me?**  
**At first Alice tried to be nice even picking me up and playing with me, which is more than you can say about my dad, but than whenever she came back she got sadder with each time until one time when she had to leave again she looked broken. Holding on to Esme like she's gonna fall apart. I wanted to go back to being friends with Aunt Alice. I don't know what I did but I needed her to forgive me. so I brought her the prettiest China ballerina I had. Holding it behind my back, hoping that she'd appreciate the surprise since not much can surprise her. She didn't forgive me. When she turned from Esme's embrace and looked at me with such vendetta and hatred, I dropped the doll which broke to three pieces and million splinters. I always tried not to hear people thoughts. I didn't hear the words but I felt that wave of terrible emotions tearing me apart.**  
**I had tears in my eyes.**  
**What did I do now?**  
**I've been so good! I swear! I've been tidying my room and studying there and not coming to bug anyone around for almost days.**  
**What can I do to change that?**  
**I looked at Jasper, hoping he'd help me but his expression was stern. He felt sorry for me yet at the same time I could feel how he didn't want me around. I turned around and ran. Not caring I stepped on the ballerina and broke her even more.**  
**Aunt Rosalie followed me and tried to hug it better. I kept telling her they hate me and she kept trying to convince me otherwise. But I knew. I tried to explain to her that I don't think they dislike me I KNOW they dislike me.**  
**That they don't want me here.**  
**That even without today incident I heard her fighting with them when they suggested sending me to Charlie for a month or so.**  
**"I want you here Renesmee. I miss you when you're not around." Is what she said. I hugged her tighter. Hiding my face in her hair "I love you aunt Rosalie" I whispered to her and she laughed softly, cooing at me. "I love you too my little fairy"***

As the meeting with my mom neared I got more anxious. I couldn't help it. Until the day came.  
I was late. Well, technically I wasn't, I just couldn't get myself out of the still working car. "You don't have to do this" he said. I sighed "no, I kinda do have." He chuckled as I turned off the engine.

We have about 4 days before I go back to Cali Bakersfield. Trix is gonna kill me if I don't come back.   
Today I'm gonna meet my mom.  
We were waiting at the hallway to Charlie's room. Nahuel and I both waiting for me to have the courage to step in.  
"This is harder than I expected" I frowned. Nahuel took my hand, helping me relax. What if she'd ask me about dad and why I didn't reply to him yet? Worse, 

what if she's mad?

"Tell me?" He asked softly and I knew what he wanted. "what if she doesn't really want to see me?" I said and then added softly "What if I wouldn't be able to leave back to my life with you?"  
He smiled softly "I'll go with you to wherever you'd want to go. You're my family now too so don't worry too much" and then he smirked "although I will be leaving quite a nice night weekly routine" I let go of his hand and groaned in disgust "Ew. You're so gross man" he laughed and I couldn't help my smile either.  
"Let's go in."

When I walked in the first thing I saw was a wide eyed gorgeous blond. Before I could even breath I was in her tight embrace. "Aunt Rosalie??" I asked in surprise but she only said with an horrified beautiful voice "your hair!" Almost everyone in the room laughed. Including me who closed her eyes and let the silent tears stream.  
"You called me your fairy, so I decided to become a true minx" I said finally letting the hug go but Rosalie just hugged me tighter. I bet that if she could cry she would. Her beautiful melodic metzo voice wavering as she spoke "why didn't you call? Or visited??" I shook my head keeping my eyes closed and biting my lip in hope I won't sob "I couldn't at first. I was too afraid I wouldn't be able to stay where I was and not crawl back tearing this family again. Also there was a year plus when I truly couldn't talk" I laughed before sniffing and taking a deep breath "long story, don't ask. Afterwards I was afraid you'd hate me. I was afraid you'd now think like them or tell me not to come back even if I wanted to. I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it." Then I felt a cold hand in my hair I looked up before letting out a less than a whisper "mom?" She nodded, smiling softly. I reached a hand to her and she took it "I'm so sorry" I said. Visions blurred with tears. "It was never your fault. We should've went looking for you sooner." I shook my head telling her it's okay telling this two amazing women that I missed them more than anything.  
Charlie turned to us and said dramatically "if I am dreaming, may I never awake. If I am awake, let me never sleep" that's when I heard the booming sound that is Emmet "Karate Kid? Seriously??" Leah laughed "Mr. Miyagis' father death scene- right?" He lifted a hand for a high five "you know it girl" we couldn't help all laugh. It took Rosalie a whole more minute to let me go only for my mother to hug me instead.  
"I'm sorry Renesmee... More than words could ever express." I raised my head to look at Nahuel which gave me a reassuring smile.  
At that small moment I was happy.  
At that small moment I considered extending my stay.

Maybe even telling my father yes.

  
We sat there until the nurses kicked us out. I couldn't even utter a single question with the amount of bombarding I got from the three vamps.  
At some point I got so overwhelmed Nahuel took the job of answering all their questions. He went as far as to show them my graduation pics.   
I set watching the people in this room, feeling complete.  
Safe.  
Home.  
"I missed you" I said softly and Emmet hugged me so hard I heard my bones crack "then you should've met us sooner, don't you think?" I giggled and tried to hug back "I know, I promise to not disappear on you guys like that ever again" mom smiled at me "you better not! I honestly have an urge to ground you" I groaned "mom I'm even older than you. I'm supposed to physically be somewhere between 21 to 23" she squinted her eyes at me judgingly "I'm 51!" "Almost" Rosalie added and I couldn't help giggling   
"Do you mind explaining the hair??" Rosalie finally asked. I smiled at her, fidgeting with my fingers "I needed a change" I shrugged "why did your beautiful hair had to pay the price?"  
"Oh, let her be Rose, she looks badass and so pretty, why not??" My mom defended me.  
"Yeah! She looks like the nephew I wanted and the neice I have all at once" Emmet added and ruffled my hair.  
"Et to Brotus???" She accused Emmett looking so irritated by this that I couldn't help my amusement "next thing you know she will get a tattoo as well" I tried to keep a poker face but Nahuel laugh turned me in "no!" My mom and Rosalie said at once.  
"It's recent.." I added trying to sound convincing but not fooling anyone.  
"How recent?"  
Nahuel the traitor answered "a decade approximately"  
"Traitor! This one is a month old!" I turned to him and grinned "you were..hmm!" He got his hand on my mouth before I could say anything and if it wasn't for the fact there were vampires in the room I would have bit him till he bled. "Would you give us a moment?" He dragged me out of hearing radios before my mom could finish her protest "if you'll tell them they WILL kill me!" He said once he let me go. "Good!" I said stomping back but he grabbed me around the waist as I thrashed in his hold "please Carlie I'll do anything!" I relaxed "anything?" I heard his hesitation was clear "as long as it's not illegal and/or life threatening. I'm not trading with my life only to be killed later." I gave one nod. "Okay, acceptable." I then felt a bit shy of my request "can we stay a bit longer?" He smiled and raised his eyebrows "that's it??" I shrugged "well now that you mention it- I want you to buy the TV you broke too" Nahuel looked shocked _"I broke???"_ "Yes or no?" Nahuel too a deep breath and crossed his hands "yes." I reached my hand for him to shake "pleasure to do business with you sir." He lightly slapped my hand away "you're a terrible human being" I giggled "yeah, not being totally human does it to you" he laughed too, shaking his head as we started walking back.  
The moment the elevator doors opened Rosalie was there. Ready to rip Nahuel apart.  
"You made her do it!!" She said in her beautiful sweet voice. Nahuel looked frightened and ready to bolt but I got infront of him, defending him "No! Aunt Rose you're wrong! If anything he tried to stop me!" She still gave Nahuel death glares but then Emmet put his hands around her "you'd have other times to kill him if you find him guilty Rose, let's not ruin a happy day." He kissed her cheek, she glared yet she still lifted her cheek to give Emmett better excess.  
They walked out of the elevator and my mom followed, slowly and pausing next to me "may I have your number so we can keep in touch?" She asked hesitatingly. I nodded and hugged her "of course mom, I missed you too"   
I let go and gave her my number. She started walking away towards Rosalie's car but not before looking one last time back to me.  
I didn't even notice the tear streaming until Nahuel hugged me tight "let's go to Charlie to say goodbye and get some rest, okay?" I nodded my teary face in his shirt.

When we got back in the room I got myself under control but my teary eyes weren't fooling anyone. Leah was kind enough to ruffle my hair and smile "adrenaline drop?" I let out a breathy laugh replying "I guess"

  
When we got back to the hotel I laid awake in my bed for hours. Even watching Nahuel sleeping in between my hours of awareness. Maybe I was just over reacting... Was it really that bad there? Were they really that bad? I had Rose, mom and Emmet. Grandpa and Sue. Now that I think of it I miss Clair too..  
I don't regret leaving though. It brought me Nahuel. I'm a monster for thinking this, being so selfish, not regretting his pain, sorrow and loss. Wishing in my selfishness for us to go through it all again just to meet him.

I really need to get over this crush.

Nahuel deserves better. I won't abandon him, hell no. But I will give him a chance at a life where he is not cuffed down to me.

  
That's why I texted Edward.

'Let's start with visits'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosalie came in the books as not so nice but I get her. She sees the world in us and them. The people she cares about and her vs. Everything and anyone else. She doesn't trust easily and that's understandable considering her story. She doesn't trust humans because she saw more compassion in vampires than in her family or the man she wanted to marry.  
> I think that once Rosalie let someone in. Once she loves them. She'd do anything for them.
> 
> So yeah, GO ROSE


	11. The people we care for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish you guys would talk to me in the comments!!  
> So I'd know if to make the flashbacks short or long, is making more of others POV okay? Would you be okay with time jumps? 
> 
> Srsly I have no idea what I'm doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will edit it but I just want to post and get it out there..  
> LOVE YA

***I loved singing. In the shower, infront of the mirror, I loved singing since it required so little physical space yet it can take so much room.**  
**me and Nahuel didn't have much at this point, I just started college too. Yet with the little we had he bought me a body length mirror for my 21st birthday (7 in human years but screw that! I'm 21!!). So I could sing infront of the mirror as much as I'd like. I was working double shifts lately, trying to save enough money for a travel to forks. To see Charlie.**  
**That's when I got a text from Nahuel 'shield time. Burn the apartment and pull your shield on if you want to save me'**  
**I gasped and tried to call but the line was dead.**  
**Well, not much options.**  
**I did as he said and started running to a place as crowded with humans as I can. I need to hide my scent.**  
**When I saw Nahuel again it was nearly half a day after. It looked like he have been through hell and back you no physical signs to behold. I ran to him and helped him walk.**  
**"Ness, we need to disappear."**  
**I nodded.**  
**Charlie will wait.***

"You agreed to go meet them?!" Nahuel was angry in a way I haven't seen in years. "Did you think you shouldn't tell me about it beforehand??" He was pasing back and forth in the room until coming to a stop, facing me. "How could you do that Ness?! We are a team!"

I looked down "you were sleeping and I feared getting cold feet.." I said in a small voice.  
"Are you for real?!? This is the dumbest thing you ever said and that's saying something." He shouted at me, sounding even angrier, but his words made me angry too.  
"Why is it any of your business anyway??" I shouted back. He looked shocked for a moment and then took a step back. Looking down and avoiding my eyes.   
Fuck.  
What have I done...  
"Nice to know you feel that way" he said and before I could protest he was out of the room.I breathed out, grabbing on my hair hissing a 'fuck' before running out, trying to find him.

  
"Where's Nahuel kiddo?" Charlie asked. I bit my lip before lying that he had stuff to do. God, I'm so worried at this point. I searched for him for almost 3 hours. I get that he was angry but he just took the car and left to God knows where. I didnt want to call the renting company yet, hoping I won't make a mess by saying 'hi, can you track a missing car? Oh, no, my.. My...'  
My what? Boyfriend? Brother? Roommate? Lifemate?  
My Nahuel.  
'My Nahuel took off with it and I have no idea to where...'  
God, I swear, if he's not in our room when I return I'm calling them.  
I was so busy with thoughts I didn't even notice Charlie falling asleep. Forgetting I was supposed to meet my mom I walked out the moment I noticed Charlie's soft snores. Seth followed me. Refusing to let me run back to the hotel.

  
The first thing I noticed was the rented car. I got out before Seth even managed stopping, running to the room.   
Only to see Nahuel's stuff missing.  
I shook my head and ran. I can track him. I know I can. God please let me read minds again, help me track his mind and scent. Please. I can't lose him! I ran and tried following the scent until reaching the woods and not stoping even then.  
Is that how my mom felt when I left? I thought as the black hole in my chest began to consume me.  
I have to find him. I must! How could he leave me like that without saying a word??  
I agreed to _visit_ my family, to try and amend whatever damage _I_ created. Yes! I get it! I was wrong to not console him and to assume it doesn't affect him just as much as it affects me.  
But I didn't walk out on us.  
I started slowing down, panting, recalling how last night I thought it would be for the best to let him go, giving him a chance in a happiness.  
I'm so naive to think I could let him go..   
Like hell I would.   
I can't let us end like this.  
I haven't even told him how much I care for him yet! How much I love him...  
I was so focused on finding Nahuel, finally finding some traces, and my thoughts were so busy that I didn't notice someone chasing me.  
Before I knew it someone gripped my hand so strongly I felt the flesh tear and the bones all but turn to dust. I screamed out in agony before noticed it's not someone but something.  
A bear-wolf?  
What the fuck is this??  
I started to scream for Nahuel, openly sobbing. No way. No way in hell I'll die like this. Leaving my family whom I just started to mend stuff with. Letting Nahuel think I left him behind. I didn't even have sex yet!  
The weird creature actually flinched the moment he tasted my blood and then turned to look at me with freakishly intelligent brown eyes.  
And then the weirdest thing happened.  
The beast turned into a huge naked human. "Oh god, I'm on drugs aren't I?" I asked in a tiny breathless voice.  
No, that doesn't make sense, I'm into too much pain to be that drugged.  
I looked at what once was my right hand. Damn, he all but ripped it apart it was blood and turned flesh everywhere with my bones broken and popping out in 3 different places. Shit, I think I'm gonna throw up.  
I tried turning around and getting up. Bad idea.Turns out I hit my head in my fall as well.  
At least he's not Serena or the volturi...  
With this monster I might have a chance to live.  
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I thought you were a bloodsucker!" He said it so fast I didn't get half the stuff he said.  
I groaned and tried to get up again saying weekly "Nahuel.."   
I guess he didnt think I'm calling for someone because he legit asked "you don't speak English??" I guess that with such a tall big body not much oxygen gets to the brain..  
I started crawling, letting tears scream and trying to shout "Nahuel!" The tan guy, which I just noticed is stark naked, lifted me up.  
Oh hell no, I don't have time for rapists now.  
I lifted my leg and kicked him straight in the jaw, making us both fall. He tried to block my fall but I bit his hand, trying to ignore how good his blood tasted, making him jolt in surprise and drop me. I rolled on my wounded arm, although it was healing this type of damage would takes days to heal properly. His blood though might help.. No! I'm not a monster!  
He tried to reach to me again. "I've seen your face before.. Are you sure you don't speak English?" He said and tried to reach for me again. This time with one hand raised in a non threatening manner and another on his chest "Jake" he said. Probably meaning his name.  
I've had enough of this. "Go away idiot!" I tried pushing him again. Before going back to trying to find Nahuel.  
"You're looking for someone" he stated "let me help you!" He reached to lift me up, I kicked his hand, probably breaking some fingers in the way. "First help yourself and get some pants creep!" He ignored me and lifted me anyway "I know you're not exactly human but you're hurting yourself and I can't let you do that." This time he threw me over his shoulder, grabbing my legs tight. I was shocked my wounded hand didn't fall out at this point, guess it's starting to heal faster. I scratched and hit his back with my good hand, making him bleed and tearing his flesh "let me go! NAHUEL!! PLEASE NAHUEL!!!" he sighed "I can't do that. I'm sorry, I can't let you get hurt" that's when I heard him "good thing she's not asking you." I felt such a relief relief my sobs halted, but the tears still streaming down my face "Nahuel!"  
Why do I cry so much??  
Ugh I'm pathetic.  
"Let her down caveman. I'll help her from here" Jake was growling and I got scared for Nahuel "Nahuel run! He's a werewolf!" I felt Jake's hostility when he said "you should listen to the girl." Nahuel snorted "I can smell the blood you monster. Over my dead body will I let you take her" I started struggling with all I've got shouting at the giant (because honestly there's no other way to describe him) to let me go.   
He actually listened but still had a hand to stabilize me.   
Nahuel was by my side in a second. And Jake started shaking with fury. I threw myself at Nahuel, letting him hug me tight before letting him pick me up "let's get you back" he said to me softly but I just buried my face in his shirt telling him how sorry I am as he cradled my head.  
Jake looked taken aback and surprisingly let us go.

  
What the hell is this day?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!


	12. What I'd do for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time skip bcz I feel like  
> I want to write Nahuel POV too so have funnnnn  
> A long prologue moment bcz Nahuel came out a bit of a d!ck last chapter..

Nahuel POV. ***teaching Ness to drive was frightening. God, why can't she drive within the speed limit reasons?? I should have waited till she was truly 15 and not let her have her way just because she looks almost 21.**  
 **I dropped her home before going to my night shift. No way in hell we're keeping the driving lessons. She's only 7 anyway.. Maybe I'm overestimating half breed predultery abilities. But she looked so happy today I couldn't tell her there's no way I'm letting her near the wheel anytime soon.**

**Before I could reach the shop I saw them. I could smell them and hear how they have no heartbeat too., if i haven't seen them in the past I would have thought they're just some vamps with a dramatic sense. But I knew. I pretended to meddle with my phone and try to reach a place as crowded as possible, there were only three humans in my immediate sight. I texted Ness to burn the place down. Are they here for me? My abilities are not that different from zafrina and she's stronger than me.. Then why not trying..? Oh. They're here for her.**   
**Does anyone know of Ness abilities the way I do?**   
**Did someone sell her up??**   
**It doesn't matter why exactly they're here. It only matters that they will not know of her. I'll take them to my hooking up place if needed.**   
**And then I felt it.**   
**Falling to my knees in excruciating pain. I started screaming before the darkness took me and it felt as if I was under one of Serenas' visions.**   
**I couldn't scream or feel anything anymore, falling like a lifeless puppet.**   
**And then I was back. I took in a deep gulp of air, as if I was underwater for over ten minutes when in reality it wasn't even over a minute, coughing and choking on the big gulps. They dragged me somewhere more private. The ballerina one turned to me "we were trying to find the girl, but we found you." I frowned and tried getting up only to be hit with the pain again. "What girl?!" I was screaming while crawling in pain "don't play stupid! The information we got and the number we tracked were supposed to bring us the Cullen's half breed!!" She hurt me even more. I screamed as I felt my brain starting to explode, my heart stopping for a minute as I started seeing black "sister" the black haired one said and the pain stopped. I was so drousy but I still knew- no way in hell I'm telling them about her "I met her once, she made a call home from my phone and left! I don't know where!!" The party of the four seemed displeased, the biggest one huffed in annoyance "it's the best we can do without mind reading or lie detecting gifts. He's already half passed out, I doubt he could lie." The ballerina looked annoyed and then the pain started again the last thing I heard before blacking out was "Aro will not be pleased"***

We got back to Bakersfield before planned date due to that giant that attacked Carlie. He stalked us apparently. Carlie promised to come back as soon as possible and to call everyday. She made that promise for her mother too. That's how we got a video call weekly schedules. It was really weird at first and I wasn't sure if it was because this is as close as Carlie got to social life or because she got me involved in those calls far too often.   
On the bright side we lost the stalker at the airport but that guy still gives me chills.   
What if he'll find us?  
Another reason to run away??

  
For the passing half year our life which has mainly revolved around me changed to be around Carlie. She got better and better in training, she looked happier than I've ever seen before, she had a routine that didn't put me in the center of her universe.  
I wasn't sure if it was good or bad yet.  
I guess I got used to being the center of her universe..

She was getting ready for her shift when I walked in our apartment. I don't know why but watching her making a mess while trying to find her earrings was so beautiful to me, it took everything in me not to reach my hands to hug her tight and tell her how beautiful she is.. I wanted to kiss her, to make her mine.  
I wouldn't though.  
I would never betray her trust like that.  
I will never hurt her like my dad hurt my mom.  
I won't make her get stuck in this mess I call my life, she's so young.. She deserve better than what I could give. She deserve true family and love. One that is not taint by wrongs.   
I know that she has some feelings for me but she never had anyone else. She never loved or trusted any other man but me.   
One day I'll tell her of my sins and how I wronged her, then she would understand why she deserve so much better.   
One day.  
When I'm less selfish.  
And as she smiled at me before telling me "see ya later Huel" I knew that day is definitely not today.

  
Charlie was finally getting better and Carlie could not have been happier. That's when we got the Christmas invitation. We got an invitation from Clair and Quill. Apparently they are Carlie's friends and she did keep in touch with Emily and Clair via mail. When Carlie got back home she set and showed it to me.   
'Ness, I do not forgive you for missing my wedding! I don't care that you sent gifts and called.   
You have a chance to make it up to me though.. We're having a naming ceremony for our first born (it's a boy and don't tell Quil but he looks more like me). Sue already talked to Sam, Jacob and Billy so it's okay for you and your +1 to come. This feast is super important because of the packs accepting each other as brothers and announcing us one big family again. I have no idea how they plan on working this out but whatever. You're coming or I'm boycotting you!'

I smiled while reading the mail "didn't leave you much choice now did she.." Carlie chuckled "you'd get used to her. Sue asked for us to extend our stay for thanksgiving with Charlie, my mom, Emmet and Aunt Rose. Leah and Sue will probably be there too.. Would you want to come with me?"  
I looked down.   
Carlie had life and friends I barely knew about.. I always thought her world revolved around me but maybe I was wrong. Maybe she wasn't the earth and me the sun. Maybe I was the moon and she was the earth.. I was giving her some light in the dark but I wasn't her sun. Maybe I didn't mean to her as much as she meant for me.  
"Would you still go if I stayed" she raised a surprised eyebrow before thinking about it for a moment "I probably wouldn't but I'll hate you for this and give you hell. Honestly I'm doing you a favor by asking and not just knocking you out and kidnapping you" Two weeks ago she learned about her physical shield and usef it for the first time in years, it wasn't a big deal, she simply didn't feel my punch but still, she gave me so much crap ever since. I laughed and ruffled her hair "you can try kid" I said softly, fondly. She always knows what to say. She looked at me weirdly before hugging me "Nahuel you are the best thing in my life. You're more than family or friend, I have no way to describe you but my Nahuel. I won't ever let you go. Not until you'd want to leave." I hugged back, inhaling deeply while thinking _guess we're stuck with each other forever._ I heard Carlie giggle and I pushed away as if I got electrified she didn't hear that right? No way she did.. "Why did you laugh?" I asked she looked confused "y.. You said something funny" she blushed looking confused and embarrassed "what did I say I pressed "how we're.. We're.." She looked down so embarrassed before adding with a small voice "stuck together".

Shit, since when does she hear thoughts again?

I tried to ease the environment "blood mud coffee?" She looked less tense as she nodded. Did I set her back? Lately she's having such good progress. It's what I wanted yet y the thought of her reading minds and feelings was too dangerous to me. I was torn between my selfishness to keep her oblivious of my feelings and helping her. That's why I never worked with her on that ability.

Whatever she felt in my flinch set her back alright.  
She's been having difficulties with her shield again. At this point I have a theory that she don't just hear thoughts but absorb feelings. She once told me of her uncle Jasper and how his ability to change emotions is physical and that's why he's so special. Maybe she wasn't that different?? Maybe her shield wears out because she's using it to block her abilities? It is a tiring task after all.. To use your shield in a reverse way like this.  
I agreed to go with her to Forks in hopes I could make her feel better and so we got there.  
Quil was a retired pack member, too excited about his baby to care for the two half vamps in his house. Chair was a 32 beauty. Dark eyes, tan skin, long dark brown hair but with a soft sweet face. Quil looked at her as if she's the sun and their son was the center of the entire universe. His love to her was so pronounced it was reflecting on the environment.   
Quil let Ness hold the baby and she cooed at him "he looks so much like Clair!" She said in wonder. Quil looked offended and took the baby away "we treated you like an honor guest!" Claire raised an eyebrow at him "and we will keep that action in motion drama queen." She ordered as me and Ness laughed at Quil defeated expression. Ness took the baby and went to seat with Clair. Quil put a hand on my shoulder and whispered to me "don't ever get married bro" I smiled widely crossing my hands and tilting my head at him "I don't know man" I looked back at Ness and Clair as they dotted on the new born "it seems like you have it pretty good." He chuckled and sighed "yeah, I guess I do."

When the evening started so did the feasts. Apparently they have more then just food.. They have this pageantry masked dance with beautiful leather drums. The tribal masks and dances were beautiful. Many people wore exotic huge wooden masks, painted with strong raw shapes and features yet looking so pretty. It reminded me of Huilen's stories. We got a lot of hostile looks but nobody dared come near us or utter a word. Plus, most of the adult and werewolves which were weary of us knew Ness so they were pretty accepting. The two packs alphas set next to each other. They wore the same type of masks yet they were different, each wore a mask that started as a wooden hat, shaped as a wolf. Yet Quils' alpha had a mask that covered only till under his nose, the wooden wolf had fangs that reached under his jaw though. The other alpha had a mask that combined a wolf and a human. I wondered if it showed of their characters and the fact the other pack was retired due to many of the members imprints. Oh, and both men seemed inhumanly big. Both well over the 6'1" department. They gave me bad flashback to that creep in the woods.  
The name was to be chosen by the tallest of the two alphas as a respect for Quils' pack.   
Everyone was sure they're standing in the presence of Quil Ateara VI but apparently the alpha thought differently.  
They named the baby Yut Quil Ateara and blessed him to have the courage to follow his heart, eyes to see the truth and mind to differ right from wrong just as the Yut before him.  
I could see Ness really impressed with the ceremony and honestly so was I.   
Quil was in tears when he got his baby back, reaching to kiss his wife and thanked the alpha. The alpha face was hidden from his nose to his hair, only his lips and jaw showing. He smiled a crocked smile at Quil and Ness leaned to whisper in my ear "does he seem familiar to you?" But before I could reply the dancing started. Emily grabbed Ness and tried to teach her some dance moves which Ness aced pretty quickly. It was nice seeing this side of Ness. The social butterfly. That's when Quil's alpha reached and asked to take Emily's spot in the dancing.   
Please say no, please say no, please say no!  
She nodded.  
Should I get up and interfere?  
But as I was about to do so Quil grabbed my hand asking me to help him with the food.  
I looked back as Ness was dancing with that giant guy, contemplating what I should do before deciding to go help and do so quickly.

When I returned with the trays they were still dancing, the dance was about to end.   
I started walking towards them but then halted when the song ended and the guy took his mask off.  
"You!" Ness said in shock and anger. He smiled apologeticly putting a hand in his neck. "Yeah.. Hi?" I snapped out of my shock.   
Oh, hell no.  
Before anyone could say or do anything I got infront of Ness. Putting as much distance between them as possible.

"You PERVERTED CREEP!" I shouted at him.

If somebody didn't notice our scene before the definitely did now.


	13. Some way to make amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Ness also I kinda assumed everyone knew what Quileute masks looks like which is wrong of me. They are usually made of wood and straws or other natural substance and colored in different forms. Sometimes they are hats that can cover half your face and looks like animals sometimes they're full face yet bigger than your face. At special events such as naming, a splendid hunt or so the Quileute tribe would have a feast and a masks competition with tribal family songs. So yeah.. I'll edit it into Nahuel POV anyway.

***Aunt Rosalie hated me being in the reservation, even more when Charlie wasnt there with me. But I liked it there a lot. I was nearly a year old but looked almost five, and the company there made me feel less of a misfit than I usually feel. It's weird but for some reasons I get along with the wolves. Seth even took me on a hunt and didn't even care about the fact I drank my deer more than eating his flash. When I stopped to realize how I looked I got so scared. My dad hated to see me drink blood and if a vampire disliked the way I eat then how would a werewolf feel. Seth just went around the tree and changed back, putting on some clothes before reaching and lifting me up "don't worry, you're just a thirsty wolf to me" I hid my face in his neck "can't I be a princess??" He laughed and started to walk to Sue's place "sure you can Ness"***

Emily introduced me to "Chief Black" who is apparently the other alpha besides her husband Sam. She laughed and told him he can have me for one dance before Levi and Thomas will ask for their shots. I smiled widely and Chief black snickered "sure thing captain". His voice and build was familiar and I couldn't help thinking of that psycho I met in Port Angeles. We started dancing as I asked him "have we met before?" He answered with a low voice, the voice of a royalty "no, but you have met many of my pack apparently" I chuckled at that "well, two of them are my step uncle and aunt you know" he laughed softly "what I'd give to see Leah being called aunt to her face" we moved in perfect sync in a way that was almost creepy.   
Like he was completely in tune to me.   
I couldn't even see his eyes clearly but I could feel how strong his stare is. I tried to change the subject "it was kind of you to take Sam's spot for him and Emily" I smiled and grabbed my waist, lifting me up for a jump "they needed my help and I needed to take care of my father" he said but I wasn't listening. "Take your mask off." I demanded and he shook his head "I can't until the song is finished" I made an annoyed face but for some reason he found it amusing "I have met you before didn't I?" He shrugged "I don't think you truly met me" I raised an eyebrow "does being Chief means you have to be so vogue? It's a yes or no question" he smiled widely at me and I doubted I met him before because even only that part of him is prettier than that entire creep. "I believe I answered clear enough." He saw my tension lift yet didnt know what was the exact reason. "You're Billy's son, right?" The drums started fading probably meaning the song was ending "and you're Bella's" he stated and I frowned. Changing the subject "he missed you" his smile became sad "I should've never left" the song stopped and we were facing each other as he reached to his mask and lifted it.  
Holy fuck.  
No, no way in HELL  
WHAT KIND OF SICK JOKE IS THIS, GOD???   
"You!" I accused but he snickered and looked down, rubbing his neck, not that it did much to shorten the damn giant "yeah.. Hi?" He looked embarrassed, seeming less of the royalty I danced with.   
And then Nahuel interfered shouting at Chief Black "You PERVERTED CREEP!"  
Chief Black looked so pissed at the very sight of Nahuel, ready to throw fists. "I go by Jacob but you may call me Chief Black you freak of a monster."  
Now he's crossed the line.   
This time I was the one to speak with a voice that has just as much authority and threat as his "how dare you call us monsters you hypocrite. We are guests. He was invited here just as much as I did!" Jacob seemed taken aback not knowing if to apologize or to snap. That's when Quil got involved "Okayyy, time out guys. Nobody is gonna ruin Yuts' baby shower." Jacob was a big guy no doubt yet I knew I looked just his height at that moment with the threat in my eyes. I don't care who he is. If he messes with Nahuel after what he did to me in the woods I will end him.  
I took Nahuels' hand and led him back to say goodbye to all my friends and family. Surprisingly Nahuel made some friends too, getting close with Quil, Emily, Leah and Seth. I hugged Clair and kissed Yut head goodbye but not before promising her I'd return to see Yuty fruity.   
Jacob catched up to us the same moment Levi Uley wished me goodbye and told me I owe him a dance.  
"You don't have to go." He said. Nahuel and I turned to him giving him death glares as he rolled his eyes "don't be dramatic. The woods was an accident which I was trying to amend and prevent further damage" I looked at him as if he's crazy and snapped at him "by kidnapping me while you're butt naked?!" Nahuel wrapped his hands and puffed his chest, satisfied with my reply while a guy named Embry burst into laughter "dude, you really need to work on your game" Jacob sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose "look, let's.. Let me just try to fix things, please?" Something about the way he looked at me was too intense, intimate and embarrassing. I wasn't sure if I felt uncomfortable or intrigued "We really started on the wrong foot here" Nahuel snorted at him "no say sherlock" the pissed look returned to Jacobs' eyes "tell your pet to back off" he hissed at Nahuel although talking to me. I rolled my eyes "you don't get it, do you? Nahuel and I are the same. He is more than a family or a friend. You can't treat him like that and then say you want to make peace!" I ran off before he could protest.  
At least we're gonna have thanksgiving with Charlie and Sue.

  
I met with my mom a day prior to thanksgiving in Forks, we went to do shopping together for groceries. I told her of the naming ceremony I was at "they named the baby Yut!" I said excitedly "and I gave him the nickname Yuty fruity. Quil hates it but it got a nice ring and I saw Clair again two days ago and she called the baby Yuty fruity too" my mom was smiling at my rambling, seeming to enjoy every moment that includes me "me and Nahuel kinda made a scene at the party, that's why I took Clair for a shopping." My mom was picking spices while I rambled "how bad was that scene?" She asked in an amused voice   
"Turns out their chief is an asshole. The first time I met him he tried to kidnap me after nearly mutilating my arm while he was naked as a newborn baby" my mom turned to look at me with a shocked expression "he did what?!"   
"That's not the worst though since at least that incident was mostly an accident but he wore a mask and lied to me about his identity. He danced with me and when I asked him about if I knew him he straight up lied! Oh, and that's not even the worst part, when Nahuel saw him and tried to protect me he called Nahuel a freak of a monster! As if me and Nahuel are not the same! Could you believe it?!" My mom actually looked mad. For a second I feared I did the wrong thing telling her.   
That is when we heard someone calling "Bella?!" My mom froze before turning to the voice calling her. The middle aged woman got closer to us looking confused. "Are you her daughter?" She asked my mom and my mom nodded, using her beautiful water clear voice. "Yeah, and this is my older sister Renesmee" the lady frowned "Bella definitely did you wrong my child" she told me and I burst into laugh while my mom looked annoyed. The lady continued "my name is Jessica, I was a friend of your mother" she told the two of us and reached a hand to shake, I shook her hand while my mom smiled kindly. "Is Bella here?" She asked and I shook my head "she's in a vacation with our father" a look of distaste flashed accrosed the woman's face. I didn't need to read minds to hear her thoughts and feel her jealousy. She then asked hopefully "do you have older siblings?" My mom smiled amused while I shook my head answering "no, I'm the oldest" the lady frowned "then why did they marry so early?!" My mom giggled "Our father is very old fashioned in certain subjects. We believe in saving ourselves till marriage" she chuckled in disbelief "so Bella married so she could get laid with Edward?!"   
My mom expression held such rage I thought she would rip that lady's head off "okay! it was nice meeting you but we have to go!" She looked a bit disappointed at the loss of a good gossip "Send your mother my blessing" I thanked her and dragged my mom away, while we were out I burst into laughter "what the fuck? Was that your highschool friend?" My mom crossed her hands looking irritated "in my defense I did like Angelica better" I dragged her to grab out last items "I highly hope you did."

In the end it was a HUGE thanksgiving meal. Celebrating Charlie's almost full recovery and our return. Billy, Sara, her husband Paul and their two daughters, Leah, Seth, Quil, Clair and Yut and Embry and those were just the Quileute. Rosalie, Emmet and mom, me and Nahuel and Sue and Charlie  
The table was set for 20 people and I guessed it was more for symatry. It went from the living room till the kitchen doors. Emmet lifted all the sofas and basically everything that was in the living room the the floor upstairs. The kitchen was packed with food. The Cullen's insisted on paying for the ingredients and tried helping while the Quileutes brought deserts (Clair, Sara and surprisingly Embry) different drinks (Quil and Paul brought different types of soft drinks while Seth brought along with Leah different types of wine, beer and a bottle of scotch) billy brought a tray of sea fish, knowing my dad and Sue taste best. I was both glad and upset Jacob wasn't there. I was glad because I didn't want him around and upset because he said he was here for billy, was he lying? Plus, did he truly despise us enough to avoid this dinner?? Nahuel saw my expression and reached for my hand, squeezing it under the table. I shrugged at him "it's something that doesn't even worth the thought" the table slowly filled with more food than anyone could eat, with the exception of the wolves, as empty chatters filled the room.  
"Paul, I need to have a serious talk with Sam Uley" my mom said and I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion. "Is it about the treaty and me passing there when I ran?" I asked "because that's entirely on me. Non of it is his fault" my mom shook her head. "No, it's about him calling your mate and you monsters" my frown deepened. "Mom, what are you talking about?" Paul and Quil added the conversation "it wasn't Sam" Quil said, "yeah, my alpha would never do such a thing to a guest and especially not Ness" my mom flinched at the nickname but looked at me "but you said that the alpha chief called Nahuel freak of a monster!" She protested "and a pet" Nahuel added "well yeah, but that wasn't chief Uley" at that moment the door opened and Jacob walked in.  
You have got to be kidding me.  
"Sorry I'm late, patrol took longer than expected"   
And then my mom did something utterly unexpected she jumped out her chair and **hugged** the rude creepy pervert yelling "Jake!" He hugged back, laughing softly "hey Bells, missed you too" 

Oh no.  
Fuck off.  
No way in hell.

"Mom," she let go of the hug and turned to me before I asked with a warey voice

"you know Chief Black?"


	14. Collecting duties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I didnt post, I'm sorryyyy  
> I promised myself that next chapter I'll post if we'd have over 200 hits or 15 koduses  
> I got the hitsssss  
> Anywhoreeeee hope you'd like it  
> LOVE YAAAA

***"do you ever miss him?" my dad asked my mom. It was a quiet eve, one that felt sad for some reason I didn't know of. I turned off the television, trying to go sleep. It's a mistake I won't repeat after this incident. Hearing my parents talk is a mistake, especially when I'm involved. "Always, he was my best friend" I could hear my father heavy intake of air "and you still protect her??" He said with such rage I felt like I was sliced with a knife. What did I do now? What made him hate me now?? "It's not fair Edward, it's not her fault. He chose to leave. Had he waited 5 minutes he would've known I'm alive. He knows so now yet still won't return and don't pretend it isn't some sort of a relief to you" I could hear my father eye roll. "I'd do far more than just tolerate a dog for you. Can't you** **see she took your Jacob, your best friend, away?! That for some reason she creates heartbreaks and diversion around you? I don't understand why and I don't think she's doing so with malice intent but nevertheless she does." I wanted to turn on the television but that would turn me in and I didn't know what's worst. So I just let silent tears stream. I guess I'm a monster and a bad luck to my family today too***

"Chief Black?? You mean Billy, Renesmee?" Jacob flinched at the name "quite a mouthful of a name you gave her" my mom punched his shoulder lightly but he still swayed back by the force of it. I looked at Nahuel who gave me a single head shake, he too thought we shouldn't ruin the holiday "it's fine mom, maybe I got confused? They were wearing masks after all" my mom nodded as the two took their seats. Aunt Rosalie on the other hand didn't let the matter go easily "no, Renesmee you never made such mistakes" I shook my head at her the same way Nahuel did with me, hopping the matter will drop but instead "glad to see you're doing well dog" Jacob smiled "learned the alphabet yet Blondie?" Aunt Rosalie crossed her hands and for a second I was sure she will jump him, consequences be damned. "Heard that one before mutt" Nahuel chuckled and leaned to whisper in my ear "such hostile complex friends and family you have" I laughed softly "at least this ones are all barks no bite" he laughed back "that's more than you can say about mine" I raised my wine glass to that before drinking it all away. Charlie gave me a look "that's not water Ness." Both me and Nahuel burst into laughter and that's when I noticed how half the table went uncomfortable with Nahuel's and I's intimacy. Worst was Jacob though.. His expression was bordering with terrifying.  
I went nearly beet red with all the unwanted attention and reached to Nahuel's glass, trying to shot that one down too but due to the feeling of stares choking on it. Nahuel patted my back while chuckling at me "such a lady." I glared at him, "thanks you shithead" he laughed even harder "it's shetheed" and at that moment I didnt care abut stares as I burst into laughter. 

In the end we all got back to the pleasant status quo and before we knew it dinner was over and we were helping Sue by washing the dishes as they drove Billy back home. I was in charge on washing the dishes and Nahue was incharge with the drying "I have to admit," Nahuel said "Embry's souffle really took the show" Nahuel laughed softly "yeah, you're right. I don't care much for human food and it was good by my standards too"   
"Maybe he'd give me the recipe if I asked nicely?"  
"Maybe I'll make it better by switching the eggs with blood"  
"And if it's vegan?"  
Nahuel gave me a look "I'm not half as knowledgeable in human food as you, yet I doubt that cake had vegan chocolate in it" I smile at him at that, stopping for a second. "Yeah I doubt that too"   
In that moment Jacob Black Knocked on the kitchen lintel. "Ness, can I talk with you?"   
My smile dropped and I rolled my eyes as I answered him "I don't know, can you?" He looked at me amused.   
Weird.  
I was sure he'd be pissed.  
"Using sarcasm and lousy jokes won't work" he replied.  
I shook my head. Jacob felt familiar in a way I couldn't understand at first but now I do. The lost wolf son who pissed off with his pack at the birth of the Fork Ness Monster. I kept washing the dishes. Giving Jacob no care. "oh, I wasn't joking. I was sincerely asking considering previous incidents" he actually laughed this time, as did Nahuel. I let the knifes fall back into the sink, putting a hand on my waist as I turned to him "see! What is your problem?? Has it been Nahuel telling you this he'd have his hand ripped off by now. Why are you acting so weird with me??" I asked in annoyance and I didn't have to see Nahuel's smug expression to know it was the cause of Jacob's stern expression taking over. Nahuel really need to try to make it easier.  
"Can we talk about it? In private??" I tapped my leg in anxiety "why? Why do I need to talk to you alone and privately and keep Nahuel or anyone out? What is it you want from me??" He looked down, a boyish embarrassment on the giant buff man face. "It's complicated.. It's hard to explain" He apologized. I frowned and started getting angry "it's not that hard. You are a wolf, you hate vampires and probably us half breeds disgust you. But I have a nice body and face. It's not that.." "It's not like that!" He stopped me before I could finish my sentence. Nahuel took my hand and turned me to him. Ignoring Jacob as he asked me "do you want to leave?" That's when Jacob snapped "would you two stop assuming things and ignore me?! Ness, please! It's not like that" I smashed my hands onto the marble face of the sink, accidentally making it crack "THEN HOW?!" I yelled in fury. "I know who you are Jacob Black. It took me a second to remember but your poor behavior and bigotry towards my family and Nahuel made me regain memory of the familiarity of your name." Jacob looked helpless and scared. One would think he's facing the angle of death and not a lesser version of a vampire. Nahuel put his hand on mine, trying to calm me. "The day I was born was the day you left. One of my father accusation at me was that I had taken my mom's best friend away. You wanted to kill me even before I was born and you called me monster even before I could breath!" Jacob looked at me with such shame and sorrow that for a second I feared I was too harsh on him. "And not only did you do all that to me, you found it right to insult not only the likes of me, but a man I consider more precious than any other person in this world, calling him a monster as well" Nahuel grip tightened, i looked at him and saw such tenderness and care in his eyes that for a moment my heart stopped. finally Jacob spoke "it's because you care for him like this that I can't help but hate him" he said weakly "I know I did you wrong. I am also the reason Leah treated you poorly at first, had I known who you are in the forest and things were different between us I still wonder if I would've killed you. Between the three of us it's not you two but me who's a monster. I did you many wrongs and not one thing I can be proud of. Even protecting you as a fetus was for your mother and not you. But I need you to understand Renesmee, I'm begging you! Please, please don't leave like that again. Please let me make things right! You.." He took a deep breath before saying something I wish he hadn't "I know it might sound weird or far fetched but you are to me what's Clair is to Quil." I raised an eyebrow in shock and then snorted a laugh. Nahuel looked ready to kill the man and this time I reached a hand to grab him "what the fuck are you talking about you sick pervert?!" Nahuel hissed. I merely laughed a dry laugh "no offense chief black but I don't remember ever marrying you or carrying your child so how the fuck are we two anything like Clair and Quil?" Jacob looked up, frustrated beyond words. "Can't we talk about it in private?"   
And then my Mom was there before I knew it.  
Grabbing Jacob by the collar of his shirt and smashing him into the kitchen wall, creating a puff of dust, broken bricks and Jacob image in the wall. He groaned and coughed in pain, I saw some blood too and I almost felt sorry for the guy. Almost.  
She pushed him further in the wall before hissing at him in a way I thought would kill him something I didn't understand well yet.

"You DARED imprinting on my daughter?"

Both me and Nahuel had no idea what that meant. Yes we knew of the werewolves and Sue took me to hear stories by the bonfire once or twice but I have never heard of the term.  
I remember once Clair explaining to me during our mail exchanges how things are turning different with Quil, weird. How she liked him since she could remember but suddenly it's different on both sides. She was 19 back then. I was 16.  
She explained to me it's been this way for a while but now it's special. That they've talked and what they have is different.  
I mostly thought of that as a glimp of hope for my crush on Nahuel.  
My hands started shaking and I let go of Nahuel as I took a step forward.  
I asked in a small dry with panic voice "what's imprinting?"   
Jacob groaned and looked up "this is not how I wanted this to go" Nahuel laughed a dry laugh "well, I believe you noticed things don't really go you way when it come to us" Jacob actually looked saddened by Nahuel remark.  
"Bella, please let me go, you know I have no control over it! I don't choose who it happens with" she smashed him against the wall again and this time I could see the irons stabilizing the bricks. "Then choose to take it back, unimprint!" This time I yelled "tell me what the fuck is imprinting!!" My mom let go of Jacob in shock and Nahuel intertwined our fingers together as he took my hand.  
Jacob slid to the floor, I bet his back is a mess and from the way his shirt looks he dislocated a shoulder as well. "It's.. A wolf thing." He looked me in the eyes. "The entire world disappears. It's not gravity tying me to the ground anymore, not my family tying me to my life." He took a deep breath "It's you." I took a step back, shaking my head, not wanting to hear anymore of this but he continued "like soulmates"   
"Enough!" Nahuel barked at him and pushed me behind him in a protective manner like he always does.  
"It's between me and her, Nahuel." And then he turned to my mom "I would never be to her something she doesn't want and you know it Bella." My mother still looked displeased but this time I spoke before anyone else could.  
"I don't want you to be my soulmate" I held onto Nahuel more tightly and I could see on his face a heartbreak and I knew he heard what I didn't say too 'I want him, not you'  
He shook his head "I can't cancel the imprinting. I can only promise you it doesn't tie you the way it ties me. You owe me nothing. I ask of you to allow me to protect you." Nahuel snorted at him but I ignored him this onceand so did Jacob "I don't need this protection. We're leaving Forks soon enough anyway" suddenly Jacob looked desperate "I need to go with you." My mom interfered saying "you will leave my daughter be you stalker!" I took a step forward even though Nahuel tried pulling me back, trying to stop my mom from killing Jacob. "Mom, please, it's fine. Chief Black said he wouldn't do something I don't want"  
I looked him in the eyes this time and his despair made my heart ache in sympathy for him in a way I didn't understand. He looked at me as if I was holding his heart in my hands and waited for me to rip it out. I hesitated and my voice didn't come out as certain as I hoped it will but I continue regardless.

"I don't want you to come back with us"

He looked as if I did worse than ripping his heart. 

As if I ripped his soul out.


	15. Oh! Oh! Oh, no!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a 15 koduses goal before this chapter but I don't think it'll happen any year soon so...
> 
> This one is for my loyal bookmarking and keeping up with my bullshit of updating schedule readers  
> I LOVE YOU!!!
> 
> Leave kodus my friends

***I tried once to go on a date. Nahuel does it all the time so how hard can it get?**   
**Very hard apparently.**   
**And Nahuel was gloating about it for weeks. He was against me going out to begin with.**   
**I don't even remeber his name, just how he looked. The guy was cute at first sight, hair even more curly than mine, dark skin, radiant smile and green mixed in honey colored eyes.**   
**Okay he was more than cute, he was hot. I even thought during the date how would becoming a vampire make him even more pretty than this? Is that even possible??**   
**The problem was- he knew he was hot too. Probably also thought he was a big shot. I was in for such a shock when he stopped me before we even entered the coffee house saying "what's the point going in? We should go to my place and I could show you what good time really is." Hmm.. Excuse you?! I let out a huff of air expression of disbelief, humor and anger all at once. "Thanks but no thanks" I said and walked in and he rolled his eyes and followed me in and when I took a seat he came to seat with me. I pushed the chair away before he could attempt to sit there "are you crazy?" I took a menu and didn't even look at him "you're not welcomed my friend, though you are most welcomed to go back to your place and show yourself a good time" I put down the menu and smiled at him "I heard your right hand gets jealous of your left. Waitress!" The redheaded waitress came to me and took my order as the guy looked in disbelief at me, called me a bitch and walked out. When I told Nahuel of the incident he laughed for hours telling me how it serves me right for not listening to him yet how proud he is of my reply.**   
**Needless to say I didn't try to go on much dates after that.**   
**Especially with how Nahuel hogged all of my attention***

  
"I think I'm a magnet for troubles, not only a curse." I told Nahuel. We were back home finally, sitting in silent while Nahuel was playing with his hand made guitar and a cup of mud-blood-coffee.  
He laughed softly at my sudden remark and put down the guitar "you know, if you want attention from me or for me to entertain you with a conversation you just need to ask. There's no need to tear yourself down like that"  
I smiled back and sinkd even deeper into the couch "it's not like that, I talked about it with my mom and we did a countdown. She said that it's fine because she too was a magnet for trouble at her human life" Nahuel rolled his eyes and smiled widely "if I recall correctly the Volturi was a problem your father created with his recklessness and tendency for the dramatics, had he not went there Aro wouldn't have known about Alice and gotten all greedy. The Cullens was also the reason the werewolves returned, the James and Victoria incident is hardly anyone's fault truly unless your father would have left and not went after your mother and telling her the sacred secret" Nahuel moved closer to my side "but either way James was a psycho that should have been taken down sooner rather than later." We both giggled at that "the only trouble you could say was your mother fault truly is her inability to let your father go and her decision to keep you" he hugged me tightly and I laughed softly again "which is hardly a bad thing"  
I hugged him back "my mom already loves you more than me, if she would've heard your words she would officially adopt you"  
He laughed deeply, his beautiful low laugh that makes my heart flutter.  
"well, good! I am an orphan after all" my heart clenched at that remark. Guilt, pain, empathy, sorrow. They all strucked me.  
"You will always have me" I said to him and he just hugged me tightly and sighed into my hair.  
"Thank you." I said quietly.   
He let the hug go "I don't want a thank you, I will collect my payment young lady"   
I rolled my eyes "I'm gonna be 33 soon, that's hardly young"  
"Compared to me it's infant" he smirked  
"Yeah, well, not my fault your ancient grandpa"   
He laughed whole heartdly "don't say that next to Charlie"  
I got up and went to my room to get ready for my shift.   
"Practice today?" He asked at my direction. "You bet!"

  
We were practicing on extending my mental shield. Nahuel had a theory I am blocking my reading abilities with my mental shield and he suspect I can sense emotions on a physical level and I use my physical shield to block that one.   
We both sat next to each other, looking like one of those couples who do meditation together when in fact we were trying to get me to read thoughts without touch. Nahuel thinks that if I'd do that I'd be able to extend my shield. 

  
"Say it"

  
"I will not."

  
"Say it!"

  
"I'm not even sure I'm not guessing!"

  
"Say it!!"

  
"Dumbledore is a sociopath?"

  
He hummed "close, but no."  
I groaned and threw myself against the yoga mattress.  
"I told you! I can't!"  
"Yes you can, you did that with Huilen, you can do it. I want you to be able to use your powers without the danger."  
"I can't! I can't do that!!" I nearly yelled in frustration.  
"Why do you not wish to read my thoughts? Do you think I'd call you a monster? Why don't you trust me??"  
And then it hit me. I refused to read his thoughts because I couldn't face his rejection, but how could I tell him that? How could I tell him I'm the problem and that he's not at any fault.  
"I care for your privacy too much" I eventually said and he snorted "out of all the excuses you could've said this is the lousiest."  
I couldn't stop my smile "rude." I pouted.  
Nahuel sighed "had it been someone else would it be easier?" He asked and I shrugged shaking my head in what appeared like a 'no' but meant 'I don't know'.   
Who do I trust enough to not hurt me, or maybe the better question, whom I wouldn't care much for his opinion?  
"Maybe we should take your father's offer? Do you want to go for christmas in Alaska?" I shook my head. "We have our own Yule celebrations and spirit sticks to make. You shouldn't celebrate Christmas just because my patents do." He smiled softly at me. "We can do that in Alaska too, it sounds nice to celebrate Christmas with both your family and the Denali coven. He also offered to just stay at Canada if we prefer. So why not take the offer and give your family a full happy Christmas?" He got up and reached his hand to me for aid more out of courtesy and habit than anything.   
I considered for a moment before taking his hand and getting up.  
"Okay, I'll tell my father."

In the end it was decided to not have the Christmas with the denalis after all, surprisingly it was my mom's decision and ofcourse my father obliged.  
Me and Nahuel brought everything we needed for our own Yul celebrations. We usually had our Christmas at Huilen death place, sometimes near his birthplace too. Making Prayer Stick or Spirit Sticks as they're called and celebrating family and loved people.  
I was nervous beyond explanation. Our flight tickets were bought by my father and we were now driving to the city of Regina.   
I knew Nahuel is doing this because he believes this is time of solstice, yet I still feel bad. We already had thanksgiving with Charlie, isn't this supposed to be his turn?  
"You're thinking too hard" he remarked  
"Am not" I protested and he smirked.  
"I can smell the smoke"  
"Asshole" he laughed  
"A penny for your thought?"  
"Don't think it's worth it" I smiled at him.  
"Let me be the judge of it"  
"I thought how it isn't fair that we're having both Christmas and thanksgiving with my family"  
He sighed out but smiled at me "so you wanna do it with my family than?" He asked amused. I rolled my eyes at him and leaned against the window "I honestly wonder what would be worse, the Cullen or Serena" his mouth twitched with the laugh he was holding back.  
"It's not a big deal, we had 30 years of my tradition, it's fine that you'd have your year at least once, we can figure out a schedule if this becomes permanent thing." My heart warmed at his words until he continued "Plus, it's not like I'm your husband or something. You can go on your own if you wish to go and I to stay. We do what we want."   
Colder than the weather.

  
We reached 10 Hanley Cres after over an hour drive. The ride shouldn't have taken more than half an hour, the rest was just traffic. Fucking Christmas.   
The place, as expected from the Cullen, is wide.   
It felt weird being there and I guess Nahuel felt the same since we both sat in the parked car for a good minute before Esme walked out to us.   
For a moment I wished I was the one driving so I could start the car and run off.  
Could you imagine their reaction to that?   
Esme, kind and gentle as always, didnt approach too close. Just standing at our sight line and waiting patiently with a smile.   
I looked at Nahuel, holding onto the car seat for dear life. "No 'we don't have to this'?" I asked him and he shook his head with a tight smile "I think we do"  
I took a deep breath and unlocked the seatbelt, reaching for the handle as did Nahuel.  
"Here goes nothing" I mumbled and walked out   
Esme reached to me, not sure if she should hug me or not. Nahuel being the crackhead he is and noticing my apprehension actually reached for her hug "It's so nice to meet you Mrs. Cullen!" He hugged her tight and I couldn't hold back a chuckle as I choked on my laughter "oh? Oh! Nahuel, it's so nice to see you again!" She got out of his embrace elegantly and we walked towards the house.  
"How was your flight dears?" Esme asked.  
Me and Nahuel looked at each other before bursting into laughter. Esme looked at us puzzled.  
"We might not be allowed on that plane again" Nahuel explained. Avoiding telling her about how we nearly went into full fledged vampirely fight because Nahuel accidently put me in a scene from the movie he was watching. Not to speak of our races and how loud we were. Not our finest moments indeed.   
"Are you tired?" She asked and honestly I was and probably Nahuel too but I didn't want to part from him so I shook my head and didn't even noticed how I sticked to Nahuel instinctively.  
Esme must had noticed since she offered to show us our bedroom and asked if we wouldn't mind the fact we share a bedroom. I went beet red while Nahuel smiled and assured her no foul was made.  
We settled and only then I did the math. There were 6 bedrooms here (and 4 garages but considering the Cullens taste it is hardly sufficient). why would me and Nahuel need to share a room? I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong.  
I'm just worried.  
How bad is my parents situation for them to need different rooms?  
Obviously Alice and jasper is one room, so is Aunt Rose and Emmet, Esme and Carlisle are the third so I guess my parents who are on not so great terms need different rooms.

Or so I thought.

I avoided getting out of the room until my mom and Aunt Rosalie would arrive but when they did, and I finally laid eyes on the group of four people, I couldn't contain my shock and betrayal.

"Mom! How could you?!" I said the moment my mom's group entered the room.

Aunt Rosalie walked in gloating "told you not to do it" she was next to me in seconds, holding me in a tight hug "missed you my princess" I hugged her back, unable to remain cold towards her.

Bella looked at Emmet for help but he just smiled and walked to Rosalie's side "that's on you, sister" 

Rosalie finally let me go and I crossed my arms while glaring at my mom.

And her familiar unwelcomed guest.

"What is Chief Black doing here?" I asked in a cold tone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONT FORGET TO SHOW ME LOVE


	16. Turning backs and each others backs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I got a comment which is enough love for me to do this update :)

> ***my mother's and I relationship has been more complicated than anything. She didn't hate me like most Cullens yet she didn't love me like Aunt Rosalie. It always felt like she was torn between me and my father. Sometimes choosing him, sometimes me. For example, today.**  
>  **I get it, I'm not mad at her or anything like that I'm just.. Upset, envious of my father and mother relationship.**  
>  **The fact they are always there for each other.**  
>  **Do I have anyone who'd be there for me at any price?**  
>  **Am I willing to ask that of someone?**  
>  **leaving me for almost a month at Charlie's because it was my dad request for his birthday. I didn't resent her, I knew they did it for Alice yet it still stang. I wanted to be part of the family. I wanted my father to want me at his birthday.**  
>  **And throughout that time aunt Rosalie was around a lot more than her. She even spent my dad's birthday with me, refusing all their calls and instead surprising me with another figure skating doll.**  
>  **My mom didn't visit me once this week.**  
>  **Were I to vanish one day, would she be relived?**  
>  **Would Aunt Rosalie and Charlie forgive me?**  
>  **Would my mother ever choose me over my father? Over her own interests?**  
>  **Maybe it's better if I'd leave..***

Chief Black looked embarrassed while my mom looked guilty. If looks could kill they'd both burst out in flames of hell from my glares.  
My dad came to my mother side, taking her hand in a comforting manner.  
Ofcourse. Of fucking COURSE.  
"I take it you and dad are on better terms?" I asked.   
"Renesmee." My father said my name in a warning tone. Protecting my mother without even knowing why I'm mad. Always there for each other.  
That's how my parents are.

  
Were they ever there for me? 

  
Only once in my life were they willing to take my side and it wasn't fully for me. It was for their coven just as much as to save my life.   
Both me and my father knows that if he could give me away to the volturi to ensure his family safety he would.  
Always there for his family.  
I'm just not part of it.  
Nahuel sharp and threatening tone took me by surprise.  
"You're really taking her side? Do you even know who that man is?? What he did to Carlie you infantile prick?!"  
Oh wow.  
That was.. Unexpected?  
I couldn't help my satisfaction at Nahuel reaction.   
I don't need them. I have Nahuel and he has me.  
Always there for each other.  
My father growled at Nahuel and I took a step forward. Defending him.   
I knew I wasn't strong enough to take down my father physically but the message was clear.  
'Anyone who wants to hurt this man has to go through me first.'  
My father glare remained although he relaxed his body.  
"Her name is Renesmee" a male voice I recognized belonged to Carlisle said and Nahuel snorted at that remark. I noticed we now have a crowd. Except for Emmet who went for the TV everyone was here.  
"She goes by Carlie now, don't worry little blond guy. She isn't carrying your name but Charlie's" Esme looked legit hurt by that and I took Nahuel hand, trying to make him slow down with his words.   
"I prefer it for this time being" I said, trying to soften the edge of his words. Nahuel shook his head.  
"We sacrificed our traditions for your excuse of a Christmas. We came here for the sake of Bella and Edward which obviously wouldn't put half the effort we did for Carlie and now you think you guys have the RIGHT to get butthurt about why she wanted to forget she has anything to do with you people??"  
Okay, that's it.   
"Enough!" I said Nahuel froze at my order "that's enough Huel.." I turned to the people infront of me "I owe you all my life to some extant and it matters not if it was done for me or not. I'm a direct benefactor of those actions. I will do my best to pay that debt and this is part of it." Jasper must have worked his magics because everyone visibly relaxed and cheered up and I doubt my speech had anything to do with that.  
A chirpy beautiful voice interfered "c'mon guys! This is Christmas! We are supposed to decorate the tree according to my instructions!" Everyone but me, Nahuel and Jacob went with them.  
"You said you wouldn't do anything I wouldn't like.." I accused Jacob softly. He looked down "that's not what I said. I said I would be anything you need" Nahuel rolled his eyes but remained silent "did you think I'd need you here?" I asked and he looked pained. He didn't reply but he did eventually met my gaze and I wish he didn't. The way he always looked hurt by my words made me feel like I'm a monster..  
"Let's go Carlie" Nahuel took my hand and led me towards the Cullens 

We were mostly quiet since. In the end I went with Nahuel to thr kitchen as the Cullen and chief black took their time with decorations.   
We were nearly finished with vegetables cutting and my divine ovened potato mix and the filled buns were ready as well when my mom, Esme and Rosalie came to the kitchen. Me and Nahuel were in the middle of a quarle about the type of salad we were making.  
"Don't you dare Nahuel!"  
"Oh, come on!"  
"You put those peppers down. We can make a Moroccian salad another time"  
"But it's tradition!"  
"It is not you liar!! Attend to the winter solicite soup instead!"  
"Why are you so annoying?"  
"Why are you so stupid?"  
"Why are you two behaving like this?" Rosalie laughed as she entered the kitchen.  
"Because he won't put the peppers down!" I protested. Nahuel sighed.  
"Fine, I will." And then the asshole put them inside the salad! "Down my stomach they'll go!" I ran to catch him but he was quicker. We were wrestling in the living room before we even noticed.  
"No, no, not the..!" But it was too late. The tree fell down towards us and I saw that I will get stabbed hard. This is gonna hurt.  
I closed my eyes and waited for the pain.  
Hmm?  
Nothing.   
I opened one eye and saw Chief Black hand pierced by the broke glasses.  
"My tree!! Renesmee how could you!?!" Nahuel and I finally got up and Nahuel glared at Alice "it's my fault not hers. Find someone else to pick on minx" I elbowed Nahuel before Jasper had a chance to react "stop it! You need to behave yourself Nahuel. What the fuck is going on with you Today?!"  
I went to my room and pulled a first aid kit before running back and handing it to Jacob "can you handle it or do you need my help?" I noticed Carlisle at my sight line "the good doctor!" I called to him "you have a patient." I went back to the kitchen not even waiting for Nahuel as we went back to cooking.   
I felt bad for Nahuel, I get why he's on edge. I wouldn't have liked being here either.   
Nahuel in general isn't fond of my family and Chief Black anyway so this must be a torture.  
I went to him as he cooked with Rosalie "do you want to make the cake frosting together?"  
He shrugged "would you make a scene again?"  
I shook my head and hugged him from behind "I'd let you have all the control" he chuckled at that. "It's fine Ness, I'm not mad at you, you don't need to apologize" I let him go "I'm not apologizing, I know it must be hard. Not doing this at Huilen place." He froze for a millisecond. Something no one but me who is so atune to him would notice "it's fine. I wanted this. This was my choice."   
"Yeah well, you make shitty choices A LOT" I joked  
"Like adopting you my stray puppy?" He teased   
"I may be a stray puppy yet you are still my bitch" I bit back and he laughed "fine, let's make the frosting and then go finish our Prayer Sticks"

We were done with the cooking and in our room when my mom knocked and entered "Nessie, may I talk to you?" Nahuel chuckled "I see the dog gave her a warning" he got up and smiled at me "I'll stay at hearing range if you'd like" he offered and I nodded.  
"I'm sorry, I should've gave you heads up" I snorted "no saying sherlock"   
"Jacob, is and was my best friend. One of the people I cared for more than anything.." "More than me" I said bitterly "stop that Renesmee!" My mom said angrily   
"why?! Why should I?? It's one thing to make us all have Christmas together. It's another thing completely to ambush me like this and take Nahuel's and I free choice on the matter! Give me one good reason that doesn't include aunt Rosalie and Emmet to stay here." My mom went dead silent and still. As if I was talking to a statue.  
"Chief Black imprinting on me is nothing but pain to the both of us. I can't be to him what Clair is or was to Quil. I have my life and I want to keep them this way. Did you think of how much pain you're causing to him? How it makes me and Nahuel feel? How maybe I'm content with the way things are??"  
My mom finally responded "being a love sick puppy to a man that is over a century older than you and wouldn't date you even if his life dependened on it? That's a satisfying life??" She asked quietly, hissing the words at me in a way that felt poisoning. but no matter how low she talked I wasn't sure if Nahuel could hear her or not.   
Even worse her words hurt more than any insult could.  
"Coming from a woman that chose her husband and her best friend over her daughter. You don't get to tell me what I can and can't settle for. You tossed me aside time after time! As if you gave up on my father just because he didnt want you. No. You would never. You'd rather give up your daughter." my mom looked as if she wanted to cry.  
"That's not fair Ness, I've spent decates in guilt over that!"  
"Obviously not enough considering what you just did! What?! You want your best friend back so you're willing to whore out your daughter so you'd have that.." and before I knew it I felt my head thrown to the side and my jaw dislocated. I smelled the blood before I even felt the pain and I guess the rest of the house did too since Nahuel was at my side before I could take in what just happened, taking my face in his hands as Jacob entered the room.  
"N.. Ness, I'm so.." My mom tried to say.  
"Forget it. It's fine. I didn't expect much anyway" I don't know when Edward entered the room but he did and obviously he wouldn't care for the fact Nahuel just helped me relocate my jaw since all he said is "don't you think it's hard for us too? That we're trying too??"  
I wanted to kick him.  
"You were the one that invited me so you could play happy family again with mom without the guilt of taking care of an infant child. Spare me the preaching" I got up and walked out the house. I didn't even notice that the one following me wasn't Nahuel but Jacob, too busy with the pain and the smell of my blood. Nahuel stayed to fight with my parents.  
"We should leave" I told Nahuel  
"I wish you wouldn't, and probably Rosalie too"  
I turned around and stomped to where he stood, noticing our height difference and than taking a step back. He smiled at that and I cracked. My fist met his face before I could think much of it.  
He cradled his nose in his hands as he put it back in place while shaking his head. Taking it like a champ.  
I hate his guts.  
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" I screamed through my watery eyes. I hated how I cried from frustration and anger. It fucking sucks and I'm not gonna give him the pleasure. I hate this guys guts.  
"I just need to be near you, I swear I'd be invisible. I'd even stay in my wolf form and as far as I can but I need to be around you."  
"I didn't know imprinting meant becoming a stalker" I said with narrowed eyes. Glaring at him.  
"Look, neither of us like this arrangement but I honestly can't do anything about it no matter what I want. The only person besides me that has such complicated imprinting case is Sam Uley and that ended almost tragically. I don't want this to happen but you need to understand that being away from you like this can kill me. I nearly went insane when I didn't see you for a year. I.." He finally paused his speech "I understand that I'm unnecessary in your life but I need you in mine in some way or another. Didn't anyone showed you that kindness too once?" I thought of Nahuel, Sue, Charlie, Seth, Rosalie and Emmet and I knew in that moment he won his case. 

But I didn't care.  
I just wanted to cry.  
While that huge, boyish, and let's be honest, stunningly hot man, looked at me in a way that made me blush and want to crumble under his stare. I only cared for how disappointing I was with my family.

"Stop it! Stop staring at me like this! Stop looking at me like I'm your everything and dotting on my every word!" I grabbed his wrists, shaking him "I already feel like a monster enough. I don't need you to burden me as well by getting hurt from the smallest things or my way of life!" He tried to look away but I didn't let him "look at me Jacob. Please, I am not good for you. I won't abandon you and I'd do my best not to hurt you but we can't ever be like Clair and Quil. Could you take it?" He nodded and I let him go in disapointment "you're a masochist." I stated and he looked down to his shoes again "but you are one too" I looked at the black beautiful house, thinking of Nahuel and my family.

"I guess I am" 

I started walking towards the house before Jacob stopped me. "I need you to understand how sorry I am and how I would never hurt you like I did before"  
I sighed deeply "why did you come here with my mom?" I asked  
"Billy and Sam asked this favor of your mom before I would truly lose my sanity. Since my situation affected all the pack and it was becoming dangerous I agreed it would be good were I to come with her. I'm sorry about the ambush though, that was a mistake that I shouldn't have let happen"  
"It's fine. I trust you it would be the last time of such trickery. If it was to happen again I would truly never meet you again. I will let it slide because unlike the baby naming incident this one is bigger than you alone and I'm probably going to forgive my mother. Might as well make it fair."  
"Do you want to go on a ride on a wolf before needing to go back?" I laughed softly at his offer.

"Nah, I have my Nahuel to save from vampires and I might need your help. Could I count on you Chief Black?"

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love ya! See ya soon and show some love with the kodus 🦥


	17. The love we give and receive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nahuel's POV

Nahuel's POV  
* **"you're fascinated by the Cullen" Huilen stated. I smiled at her tone "is that an observation or a fact?" She fondly pushed me "don't be rude to your aunt" I laughed softly at that "they're different" I eventually said "it makes a man wonder about all the 'what if's I didnt even think possible" she put a comforting hand on my shoulder "there is nothing you could have done differently and whatever it is that happened to us is not your fault" I took the motherly hand on my shoulder and held it dearly with both of mines, sighing and nodding "yeah I know" I kissed the hand that was more precious to me than anything, my only family "I wonder if my father wasn't the monster he is would I had a mother and an aunt, would we have a beautiful family and friends to stand by us" aunt Huilen was patting my head and pushing back straying pieces of hair "yes, that child might have a great family but I guarantee you not many and maybe not even that girl is as loved the way me and my sister love you. Nahuel, you mean the world to me and I will always make sure you are loved the way you deserve even if I'm not around. The very way your mom made sure of it. You are protected by our tribe spells and spirits and we will always make sure you are properly loved. Know that this is something even that little girl doesn't have" I smiled at my aunt and hugged her tightly to hide the tears in my eyes "it's okay, we have forever together. It's more likely I'd die before you so you don't need to worry about it" Huilen laughed softly "it's my job to worry about this stuff kid"***

Carlie left and I didn't simply because I had A LOT to say to this assholes. I watched them all standing together, looking like a big united family with Edward protecting Bella and all of them ignoring the blood that's on the floor and on her hand.  
"You people have some nerve." I said while Edward tried to hide Bella behind him. Hypocrite.  
"Bella, what have you done?!" Rosalie finally spoke. Bella was shaking her head "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't!" She tried to reason but Rosalie just snarled at her "and I'm supposed to believe it when you're the one with super control?!?!" I liked Rosalie more and more by the second. "Babe, please, it's Christmas, let's try to find and reason with Renesmee instead" Rosalie was frozen to her place looking like a complete statute if it wasn't for the fire of anger in her eyes "you don't deserve to have her as your daughter she said before nearly vanishing with how fast she left the house. Esme looked heartbroken while Carlisle told Emmet to go makes amends with Rosalie and check on Renesmee but I interfered before Emmet could leave "don't you dare go after Carlie" and finally Edward snapped "why did you even come here?! You didn't do anything but ruin the mood" oh no he didn't. He's literally a teenager! I know it's like that with vampires but this is a whole other level. "Listen to me you shitty excuse of an emo teenager, I'm here for Carlie because you guys fucking broke her! You have no idea the damage you've done to this girl. She is way better than all of you combined if she chose to put all that hatred aside and come here just for mommy dearest and her father sake yet to be betrayed so brutally by her." Edward was at my face and ready to fight but like hell I'm backing down I blackened his entire world and left him puzzled. "Playing the hero?? You think you're fooling anyone?!" And than he was on his feet and I knew Bella interfered. He pushed me hard enough to smash the wall "don't ever do this at this house!" He growled at me and Jasper got between us before any of us could make another move.  
And just like that all the tension left the room. It was like we were all injected with sedatives and I knew what was happening yet couldn't argue with it.   
"Thanks Jas" Alice took his hand and kissed his cheek "can't we all talk like civilized beings?" Carlisle asked and I tried to fight off Jasper influence "No. We cannot. You guys will listen to me. This girl literally stripped herself off her shields because you made her feel unloved and filled her with self loathing and I'd be damned to see it happen again" and I ran out to find Carlie.

I found her with the mutt. Yes, I call him the mutt. Shut up.  
He irks the blood in my vaines.   
Why on earth isn't she hurting him?  
Why is she smiling at him??  
No.  
No way in hell am I letting that creature into her life.

Into our lives.

"Stay the fuck away from her" I said as I pushed him away from her.   
Bad call.  
He started trembling in fury and I could hear the bones starting to snap. Ness tried to come near him and make stuff better but I stopped her before she could get too close.  
"Run" is all Jacob could say through gritted teeth and run we did.  
"Why would you do that??" Ness asked in anger.  
"I'm not even sorry, he's the fault of all this! How can you even stand close to him?!"   
"Don't friend shame me!"  
"So he's our friend now?? Last time I checked he's the one that got us into this mess to begin with!"  
"Yeah, well, he needs us and I thought it was kind of our thing to adopt the strays"  
"This is no stray Carlie this is someone with serious ocd/ unhealthy obsession with you and I'm not letting him anywhere near you"  
She halted and I stopped less than a mile from here.  
"Seriously?! In case you haven't noticed but we're running from a monster" and the look on her face made me pale. I know what that word mean to her. It's the one word that is not allowed to be said between us. We can say anything except for the M word.  
And I said it.  
"In case you haven't noticed I am a monster too"  
And she ran back to him.  
And I swear that if anyone would have stood close enough to me at that moment they could hear my heart break.  
But I only stalled for a moment. I can't leave her defenseless again because of my selfishness and my words.  
I was there with her infront of the huge wolf in seconds.  
"Jacob" she said with raised arms, but the beast saw me and it all went to hell. He went straight for me and I froze. For the first time in my life I froze and waited for the attack in a millisecond that lasted a life time.  
Why can't I protect myself?  
I'm looking straight into his eyes, why can't I just vision him away??  
Ness got infront of me screaming such a heart wretching "NO!!"  
Yeah, that did the trick.  
I gave Jacob a vision of the ground opening between us and how the word is shaking knowing he's trembling so hard with fury he won't be able to notice the difference.   
It worked, though he did not give up and jumped right above us, clamping his teeth into nothingness with a sickening clamping sound. Lord. Imagine how Ness felt when he bit her only some months ago... I don't care how she feels this psycho is not going anywhere near us.  
Sadly though due to his connection with his senses and our lack of eye contact he got free of my vision and he was even more pissed than before.  
This time I shielded Ness before he could attack again but the bite never came. When I finally looked up I saw Emmet holding him in a choke hold while Rosalie was helping keeping his mouth shut.  
"Down mutt!" She yelled at him and I tried to hide my smile. I really did.  
But I couldn't help myself, it was a matter of less than two seconds between my snicker that made the wolf struggle ten folds which made Emmet press harder than he intended and the sound of terrible crack followed by a whimper and Jacob changing back while screaming in agony.  
But the worst part wasn't those two seconds but the way Ness ran to his side after that.  
"Jacob!" And she was there holding him. Emmet took the rein and took the naked giant into the house so fast that to a human eye it must look like wind passing by and that probably was the point.   
Ness went with them but Rosalie staid with me.  
"Why are you avoiding your feelings?" She asked when there was no one else in hearing range. I avoided her eyes, looking down "I don't know what you are talking about." She rolled her eyes "you know dumb blondes is just a joke right?" I chuckled "yeah I've seen the suite life of Zack and Cody" she laughed softly "I saw the heartbreak in your eyes when she ran to him. At first in thought you saw in her the little sister or daughter you always wanted but it's not like that. I've seen it since Thanksgiving but I still couldn't understand the dynamic exactly" I sat down on the snow, leaning on a nearby tree before looking up with curious eyes "well, what is our dynamic?" She scrunched her beautiful eyebrows in frustration "Two imbeciles" I couldn't help my amusement. "Care to elaborate?" She looked almost pissed "one might think you're the dog and not Jacob with how you two are running after ones tail!" She exclaimed "Why?! Why to not just be honest?? It's not like Renesmee is not a complete open book! You know how she feels and I bet on my car you feel the same!" Her beautiful voice was ringing in my ears in a manner of such beauty that it reminded me of Huilen.  
I leaned my head forward in defeat.  
"Because I'm a greater monster than she's willing to acknowledge" I took a deep breath "I blamed you guys for Ness loss of her shield but that's not true. I was the last nail in that coffin, not you lot. Although the Cullen did do a lot to make it easier. Ness is not a regular shield and even her mother pales when it comes to her abilities." I could hear her smile when she said "I always thought she was the most unique miracle I've ever seen" if only all the Cullens were like Rosalie "you people abandoned her! She was 2! It doesn't matter that she looked 10 or 12, she was a 2 years old! Did it ever acure to you lot why did she block Alice's visions the way she did??" Rosalie frowned, opened her mouth to answer and shut it and then did that again before leaning back and shaking her head "of course you didn't, you people didnt care for her!" I was slammed at the tree before I could comprehends what happened "You don't get to say that to me!! I left my family because I couldn't take how they acted as if nothing happened! How they tried to move on! They wouldn't allow me to cross through La Push in the name of the trity and we lost her for 30 years! I missed everything! I was her godmother and Emmet was her godfather, was something to happen to Bella and Edward she would've been raised as my adoptive daughter!!" Her expression held so much pain it was terrifying to watch. I could see how she was crying the tearless cry only a vampire would cry. The same way my aunt wept my mother when she thought I didn't see.  
"I'm sorry.." I said and she let me go.   
"I know we did that girl wrong but we tried, I truly tried, I never meant for this to happen. She was meant to grow up as a little princess, not like this. Not like she's a soldier or a warrior" she shook her head.   
"That's my fault she's like this. That's one of the reasons I can't take advantage of her lack of experience."  
She put a caring hand on my shoulder in a manner that reminded me of Huilen so much, I felt the tears burn in my eyes.  
"You're a noble man regardless of what you think Nahuel. Honestly, I'm having this conversation with you because I believe you'd truly make her happy."  
I couldn't help thinking of how she called for Jacob and held him in his pain, and for a moment I wasn't as confident as Rosalie. Noticing my troubled look she gave a pat to my shoulder and said "Let's go love, I think what you were telling me about her powers is a matter for more than just the two of us"  
And so we went back into the house.

  
When we entered the room I could hear the groaning and screaming of pain. Ness, stood outside Doc. Cullen work room, picking on her fingers in a way she only did when she is anxious. I took her hand in mine before she'd hurt herself, she do that way too often   
"How is he?"  
"His damage is not as bad as we thought but still.. The ribs were the real issue since the started healing while crooked so Carlisle needed to break and reset them but the worst is over" she said while all the while tapping her foot on the wooden floor.  
"Than why are you so anxious?"   
she exhaled a breath she's been holding  
"It's my fault.. This entire mess it's because of me. I shouldn't have been selfish. I should've just.. Just.."  
She was shaking her head and her eyes were so wide open and wild unlike the small desperate voice she's been using. I couldn't see her like that so I hugged her tightly "should've what?! What on earth could you have done differently" she held onto me tighter and I knew what she thought. Hell no, she's wrong. "I need you in my life. It doesn't matter what label our relationship has we're family. You are all I have in this world, and I know you don't believe it but Serena would have killed Huilen sooner or later since that's the only way she would have been able to get through her to get me. You couldn't do anything to avoid your current reality. What would you do? Give up on me to help Chief Black? You would never. Ignore your family request of help? Ignore Charlie's sickness?? None of them were an option to you!" I cradled her face and made her look me in the eyes. Her heart started racing while mine missed a beat at the sight of her beautiful sparkly eyes and that thick fan of lashes that framed those beautiful tiger eye's gemstones that were her eyes. Once I finally found my voice I continued "you shouldn't ever sacrifice yourself to prevent others poor choices. You are too precious for that" she held onto me tightly as her beautiful lips contoured around my name "Nahuel.. I.. I think I lov.." She couldn't finish the sentence but it was enough, and for a moment I thought about Rosalie's words, to the worry Renesmee showed to that other man and the way it made me feel, all the way to how I simply want to give in to this feelings.  
Why am I even fighting this? It's mutual, I know it is, she talks in her sleep.  
I leaned in closer and closer and just to make sure while only a millimeter from her lips I asked in a whisper "may I.." "He's awake" Carlisle got out of his office and startled us into social distancing type of space.  
That son of a bitch!  
Both our hearts racing and faces reds we went in different directions. Her into the room with the mutt and me.. Well, anywhere less awkward really.  
Fuck! I fell face forward into the bed and screamed into the pillow as if I won't be heard.  
I'm nearly two hundreds years old!  
Why the fuck am I being such an angsty teen?!  
Fuck this.  
Never doing Christmas again. This is a Yul household only from now on.  
"Well, if you finished being such a baby we can finally have a family conversation that is long overdue" Rosalie said while leaning at the door entrance as I turned around at the bed, starting daggers at the ceiling "get your hybrid ass up!" She ordered and then sighed "and to think you're supposed to be older than me"   
"Not in the mood Regina George"  
"Well, that's a new one"  
"Fuck off"  
"No!" And than she spoke in a volume only us two could hear "in case you haven't noticed my god-daughter has a thing for you and that means we need to figure out how to be a family" Emmet came in to aid Rosalie but in reality I knew he simply couldn't be away from her. She's a force pulling him in the same way Ness is to me. "Don't be stubborn. You know Rosalie always gets her way"  
"I'd rather have my insides burned together by a hot mattle rod punched through my ass that to be around Edward and Bella at the moment"   
"See!" Emmet said "you're already getting the hang of it! Family is all about love-hate relationships" Rosalie smiled and kissed him in a way that made me jealous. I thought of the almost kiss and how the good doctor has ruined it.  
"So??" Rosalie said impatiently  
"Fine!"  
Aunt Huilen once promised me that I'd always be loved and that this is the blessing she gave me.   
Yet I wonder if it would've been a better blessing to ask for me to not love back just as much.

if not more.


	18. It's a matter of trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Renesmee!!!!
> 
> Be kind and leave kodus and comments if you wanna know more about mute with terror Renesmee and other stuff like that:)

***I remember the time I spent mute very well because honestly Nahuel way of dealing with it was hilarious considering we couldn't go see a real doctor. I drank so much tea it was unhealthy. The worst part was when Nahuel thought I need to drink human blood. I remember the first time he brought a corpse for me to drink from. I refused and started crying, he kept urging me and imploring me to at least try. I just shook my head stronger and started clawing at the cave we lived in back than.**  
**I couldn't, it was a teen and although he smelled of alcohol and was probably drugged I couldn't.**  
**It was a runaway kid just like me that didn't have a Nahuel in his life.**  
**It was as if it's my corpse right before my eyes, and that triggered such a panic attack I started again clawing at my flesh. Nahue blackened my world in order to sedate me, he's been doing that when my attacks are getting too strong because that's the only way I don't harm him or myself.**  
**He kept trying to get me to drink human blood but I CAN'T I truly can't! I can't be a monster.. My family hated me for biting my mom when I was just born, I didn't even feed on her and they never forgave me.**  
**What type of monster will I be if I truly fed on a human?**  
**Nahuel apologized for how he eventually got me to feed but the damage was done. That's why I can't feed on blood anymore. The sight and blunt taste of blood disgust me although my body finds it delicious.**  
**He came to the cave with a woman screaming and crying in pain. "It burns! Make it stop!!! Kill me! Please!!"**  
**I held onto myself tightly.**  
**"I'm sorry Renesmee but you left me no choice. She's changing and she's in pain and it would be that way for a long time. Days! And when she will wake up she'd be hungry with me and you as the closest thing to feed on. I need you to drink if you want to save me and her."**  
**I was trembling when I decided to listen to him. I tried at first to look for the bite mark.. Maybe if I'll suck the venom it'd be fine? But I'm starving.. I haven't eaten any food for a while now. Nahuel refuses to let me hunt before I'd drink human blood since I can't even do something as simple as cry for help. Will I be able to stop? I scanned her arms and every bare skin I could find but I didn't find it.**  
**"What are you doing?" He asked.**  
**I stuck my teeth in my flesh, creating a bite and pointing at the lady.**  
**He squinted his eyes but allowed it non the less. He tore her left foot jeans open till the knee and I saw it. Two inches from her knew, right at the tibia, was the bite.**  
**I went straight in and felt both the delicious blood and burning acidy venom fill my mouth, I kept drinking and sucking, waiting for the acidy bitter taste of the venom to pass while hoping not to lose control.**  
**Nahuel was patting my hair murmuring over and over how sorry he was and how important I am to him and how he can't lose me.**  
**And when I finally felt clean, tasty, warm and nourishing blood I pulled myself. Nahuel hugged me for the first time that day "thank you Renesmee, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I can't lose you.. I had to do that love" and he sounded so distressed I couldn't remain silent. I patted his had and let out a crooked "it's.. Fine..."**  
**I don't know if it was truly the blood or the feeling of being needed.**  
**Maybe it was the feeling of being listened to.**  
**Maybe it was just a matter of pushing me over the edge.***

"I'm sorry" was the first thing I heard as I walked into Carlisle's room, even before I had a chance to lay eyes on the feverish man with eyes glazed and unfocused by the meds and pain. His expression was so anxious and out of place considering his current situation I didn't know if it's funny or sad.   
"Do you even know why you're saying it under all those drugs?" And just like that his stare softened and went back to being this intense admiration that makes me want to run away from his sight line. He took a deep breath before talking softly "for acting like a pup instead of the alpha I'm supposed to be, for putting you in danger and breaking my promises to you time after time. Honestly, for being such a jerk to both you and Nahuel. I don't know why he triggers me like that.."  
I swallowed hard before speaking, not sure how to deal with his words "you're quite clear minded considering your condition" I said impressed and avoiding everything he just said. He smirked at me "Not the first time I had a trip on morphine" I raised an eyebrow at that, how many times has he crushed his bones like that? It bugged me because it doesn't matter how fast we heal- we hurt. I probably know best considering how much I get hurt. He continued talking noticing my distress "Although Dr. Cullen has some crazy strong shit" he joked but it pissed me off. How can he take it so lightly?! This is terrible! His pain and screams were terrible!  
"I'm glad crushing your ribs amuses you" I said dryly but he noticed the changed in my mood even beforehand. He looked away from my eyes and sighed "it doesn't, it hurts like a bitch. But it's something you go through as a wolf and I'm lucky enough to have always survived this type of things. I know many others who didn't" Jacob looks not a day over 25, just like Nahuel, although I know he's older and in that moment when he talked about those who didnt make it he looked older. Almost ancient.  
"I'm sorry.." I whispered and he laughed before groaning in pain "don't make me laugh angel" he pleaded and I smiled softly "why angel?"  
"Because you have the selflessness, sense of justice, beauty and power of one" I blushed and he smiled and added in a low voice "maybe even prettier"  
"Keep sweet talking to me like this and I'd show you I'm angel of death" but he didn't laugh or get scared. He smiled and looked at me in such awe and reverence as if he's staring at a true angel.  
"What a death worth dying it would be.."  
I turned around before he would see my expression "you're way too drugged, I'm gonna go"  
And I was already out of the door before he could mutter his protest.

"Carlie.. Everything's okay?" Esme said the moment she saw me. She's the only one of the Cullen to call me like that.  
"Hmm.. Hey, yeah, yeah, I'm fine"  
"You were very brave to jump infront of Jacob like that"  
I shrugged, I didn't know why exactly I did that.. I guess it was because I'd die before letting Nahuel get hurt but I wasn't afraid like usually.. It was almost as if I trusted Chief Black to not hurt me which is beyond stupid.  
He didn't give me any reason to indicate he's trust worthy.. How the hell is that guy a pack alpha and a chief?  
The only thing he did was being stubborn and persistent!  
Or maybe it's just with me?   
Well, I do tend to bring out the worst in people..  
My train of thoughts was cut by Esme "would you mind coming to the table with us?" I followed her thinking we're finally gonna eat and try to end this miserable day but instead it was a family gathering. I took a step closer with confused expression and before I could ask what's going on Edward said "we need your help"  
Rosalie all but came for his throat while Nahuel protested "LIKE HELL YOU DO! YOU GOT SOME NERVE EDWARD!"   
Carlisle interfered before thing could get nasty "Rosalie, please! We at least can ask this of her. She's immune to any manipulation anyone could ever work on her anyway"  
"Just barely!" Nahuel protested "she's not like she used to be!"  
And that's when it clicked. He told them. He fucking told them! Why??  
"You fucking TRAITOR!" I screamed and went straight for a punch. I grabbed him and nailed him to the wall with all my might before he had a chance to recover from the punch "why would you do that Nahuel?! I trust you!! I TRUST AND LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE! HOW COULD YOU!!" I don't want them to see this. To know of how much of a freak I am. Why would he do that??  
"Ness, I'm sorry" Nahuel coughed out but didn't try to fight back at all...  
"She definitely has her shields up" Jasper said and that's when I noticed how slack and almost drugged everyone in the room was except me. I let Nahuel drop to the floor. Not letting my eyes fall from the man I love most and trust most and how this is the reason my heart is breaking right now the way it does.   
"Screw this" I said and took a step back "except for aunt Rose and Emmet honestly, screw all of you people!" I went to the kitchen but Edward was right by me and tried to grab me only to be pushes away by an invisible force. My physical shield is triggered by anger and not panic as Nahuel first thought but for my shields to work at all there's a prior terms such as me actually wanting to protect myself and for the first time in the presence of my father I don't hate myself and want his approval.  
This is long gone.  
Right now I'm pissed, and I believe I deserved better than this.  
I was staring daggers at my stunned father "stay. The fuck. Away." I said emphasizing every word. Nahuel came and tried to get as close as possible and indeed my shield was weaker around him, while my mental shield is like a golden elastic my physical shield is like being protected inside of a diamond and that diamond tried to protect Nahuel and get him under its wing. Yeah, well not today.  
"Fuck off Huel"  
"Ness, please, I'm sorry but this needs to be done. they can help you way more than I could ever. You more than anyone know you need this closer! I can't leave you hurting like this!"  
"I was fine! I was getting better!! I made more improvement in 6 months than in 30 years!!"  
"Exactly!! And it started the moment you straightened things with your family!"  
I know he has a point but I'm too hurt to care. Why does it matter if we take the long road?! Can't he see this is risky??  
I caved under the pressure of his words and just like that the shield of diamond became glass and broke. Nahuel came to me and tried to hug me but I pushed him away.  
"Ness, I'm sorry.." He pleaded.  
"For what?" My voice was empty of emotions and I just sounded tired "for hurting me? For taking away my freedom of choice on the matter? No you're not. You did it once before and you will do it again. How come you can play the hurt card when I hint we're not a team yet you never treat me as part of this team and expect me to play as if it's okay?"  
Who needs physical shield when my words sent him a feet away just as good.  
"Ness.." My father tried  
"Don't! Don't even try Edward! I'm honestly so done with all of your guys bullshit. I'm gonna take some food to Chief Black and have my Christmas dinner there, and if you want me to even consider listening to whatever it is you Cullens have to say, you will leave us two alone." I got my shit together and a couple of trays with plenty of food knowing we both will need this. I knew my decision to eat will Chief Black is hurting Nahuel but I need time in neutral environment and to eat, Rosalie can only give me one of the two and her objectivity is pretty questioned. Right before I left I turned to Nahuel "I will be there tomorrow for the prayer sticks but that's all I can do at this point"

  
When I got into Carlisle's room Jacob wasn't surprised to see me.  
"Needed a place to escape?" He asked but I knew it was more like a statement than a question.  
"I can leave if you'd like" I replied "but then who would feed you Chief Black" he laughed softly   
"Never took you for a nurse"  
"Yeah well I'm doing all kind of crazy things today" he laughed at my words before groaning in pain "mercy on the weaks" he pleaded and now it was my turn to laugh, I reached for the bowl of soup me and Nahuel made and felt the tears prick my eyes.  
"Not a Christmas type?" Jacob asked  
"Not a family type" I answered and then added "or any company really" as I fed him the first spoon.   
"Okay first," he said before I could give him the second spoon "that's bullshit. You're half vampire and almost everyone loves you at the reservation. Second, this soup is REALLY good" I smiled sadly before looking down.  
"It's a family recipe.."  
He took the bowl and tried to feed himself while flinching in pain and I took the hint. "Talk less feed more" I joked   
"Well, I need to get something out from being your escapism"  
And like that we ate in silence and it didn't hurt as much. Something about Chief Black was heartwarming and able to push the pain away.  
"I wish she'd tell me what happened"   
"No need to talk in third body about me I'll explain" and then it hit me "or maybe you didn't talk?" I asked as I looked at his stunned face.  
"You can read minds?" I looked down and avoided his eyes. I was honestly waiting for him to tell me to leave..  
"This is what the fight was about.. I don't read minds well, usually I'd need physical contact and even then if I fear what I'd hear it won't work"  
"You can shut it down?" He asked surprised  
"Sort of.. It's not rational, I don't have a lot of control over it" I mumbled  
"You know you're just gifted and not a murderer?"  
I looked up I'm surprise and Jacob actually looked amused. He fixed himself so he was semi seating and I tried helping him.  
"So.. What else can you do?"  
"I can create shields like my mom but I can make a physical one too, Nahuel says I can also sense emotions. He thinks I got my parents gift with a physical aspect as well as the mental"  
"So you're basically indestructible?" He asked genuinely and I laughed softly at that.  
"I don't know." I shook my head and then reclined in my chair "I had problems with my shields for a while and I hate mind and feelings reading so I can count on one hand the amount of times I used that"  
"Why?" He asked but then noticed my apprehension at the question and quickly added "if I'm not being too intruding"  
"You are but it's okay, no harm done" I smiled to assure him  
"This is the longest conversation we had so far" hr stated   
"And nothing went wrong for a change" I joked  
He chuckled at that "don't jinx it! Something tells me you're gonna hide here with me for some time"  
I tried to hide my blushing face "sorry for using you like that"  
His eyes softened and again took such an intense look of endearment that I couldn't hold his stare "if that's you using me by all means do so whenever you can"  
"Please stop looking at me like that" I whispered   
I could feel his gaze turn from me from how intense it was.   
"Sorry about that... If it means anything I truly don't control it"  
It took me a second to reply with a quiet "I know"   
That's why I stay.  
We sat in tense silent for a while until I broke it "since I did most blabbering, how about you sharing your story too Chief Black?"   
And sharing he did.  
We spent hours talking like that and even though he was the wounded and drugged one he didn't seem tired. It was as if every second with me talking to him was to precious to give for something as silly as sleep. 

  
At some point we did fall asleep, I probably went under first but although I fell asleep in a chair when I woke up I had a blanket around me and a pillow under my head.  
I dare not think who put it there, and if it really was Jacob, how much pain did it cost him.  
He was sleeping soundly and looked so young all of a sudden that it took me by surprise.  
I'm not gonna lie Chief Black is a handsome man. He's tall and so well build. Though I got to see his bodies for all the wrong reasons I couldn't help but finally understand Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid Love. It was very upsetting how good he looked shirtless. seriously?! It's like he's photoshopped!  
His hair is cut short and messy, uneven, as if he cut his own hair, his skin is tan but while Nahuel has a more olive undertone Jacob has a red one. As if a constant reminder he is under no circumstances a vampire.   
My train of thoughts was stopped by Emmet opening the door. "I know you're mad, and it's fine if you are, but you can't hide here. Plus, Rosalie is dying to give you her gift so.." I smiled at my uncle softly and hugged him "thank you uncle Emmet, you were always so kind to me"  
He hugged me back and laughed softly "well, I still want a REAL Christmas gift" I smiled widely at him, trying to hold back my laughter as to not awake Chief Black and got out as quietly possible.  
"Merry Christmas kiddo" he said quietly to me before we were faced with the rest of my family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know about Jacob's story I require at least 2 comments.  
> And yes.  
> This is blackmail.  
> 😘
> 
> LOVE YA STAY FABULOUS


	19. Who's the Cold Ones?

* **New Orleans has a great dancing scene, even though it changes relentlessly, it was in New Orleans that I learned my love to music and also my talent in it. I was 8 in human years, both me and Nahuel new to living as modern humans, I was still somewhat fair skinned since it took a few more years before I fell in love with the sea and my anti aging privileges. Music and parades were constant and the night was always followed by music. people were friendly and all too willing to share with the couple of orphans we were. At first I was just mixing around with the musicians in the city, traveling all around it. From the French Quarter, Treme, Algiers, the ninth and seventh ward.. God.. And the Jazz! They even have a musician village.. I used to borrow different instruments from musicians we encountered and just picked up whatever I could. It was the only place I had people who know me as a human. As a person... We stayed there for nearly a decade and it was amazing. But of course we had to leave eventually. I started as a 16 year old and Nahuel as a 19 Year old. Both orphans who met in the system and has each other backs who likes music and just want to go unnoticed until I officially turn 18 and free but honestly it was such an amazing place and when we eventually had to leave I was heartbroken. We decided to leave after the Mardi Gras and we did. We left behind friends who were family and everything that was right in our lives. I cried for days, missing the people, the music.. Feeling normal.**  
 **"I.. I made you something" Nahuel stood at my room door with his hands behind his back.**  
 **"It's fine Huel.. I just need some time"**  
 **He entered my room "yeah, I know, I just hope it'll give you a little peace"**  
 **And he got a ukulele with a beautiful engraving.**  
 **He put it next to me as I got teary all over again and said "Let's be each others home and family from now on, so next time it'll hurt less".**  
 **And then I saw it.**  
 **He was just as hurt by leaving too.**  
 **He just put me first***

Uncle Emmet led me to the living room slowly "Nahuel isn't the bad guy here, you know"  
I smiled sadly "of course I know! That's why it sucks ten folds. He's not a bad guy, he's not stupid and he allegedly cares. So why the fuck did he do this?? This wasn't his story to tell"  
Emmet stayed silent and I appreciated it. Whatever this is going on it's a problem for me and Nahuel to solve on our own.

Breakfast was all set and everything was organized so beautifully. Obviously Alice's doing..  
Everyone was sitting around the table except for Nahuel who got up the second he saw me and my Mom who was collecting a plate for Chief Black, seeing the plate I wanted to snap it from her arms and run back to hide at Carlisle work room all over again, I was dreading the upcoming conversation.  
Will they pity me?  
Will my pride be able to take it?

... Will they even care?

God I want to punch Nahuel for putting me in this spot so bad!  
Emmet sat next to Rosalie, kissing the top of her head as my mom took the plate and got out of my sight line, Nahuel noticing how i avoided his eyes sat down and lowered his stare. It physically hurt to see him like this but I need to fix this mess first and then we'd talk and make amends. We always do.  
Not wanting to be put on the spot I was the one to break the silent. Crossing my arms and talking in a calculated voice. Not wanting to be either harsh or nice, just punctual.  
"Obviously you're not sitting here for the beautiful meal, so spill it." All the attended looked uncomfortable except for Emmet and Rosalie who looked proud. At least I was able to take control on SOME part of the situation.  
Surprisingly Jasper was the one to talk. "We are at danger and your help is required. Your protection more accurately and you're the best we could ever get"  
Rosalie looked aggravated while Esme flinched at the way he put it. I guess both she and I had the same thought.  
 _they want to use me after they disposed of me_  
But I didn't want to let my emotions get the best of me. I need to get over myself. I need to get stronger. I can't let my past get the better of me when it's been 30 years and I actually have a chance of taking ownership over my life.  
Carlisle was the one to break the silence once more "we ask for your help since we have a problem you once had yourself" I contemplated his words for a moment before asking of them to elaborate although I already know what's their problem.  
"It isn't your responsibility kiddo, you don't have to do anything" Emmet said and Rosalie nodded and continued "you can leave any moment and we both will make sure you'd never have to deal with us" I smiled sadly at that. Letting go of aunt Rose and uncle Emmet? God no! They are the only ones I'm certain about in this family.  
"The volturi are threatening us" Alice took reign of the conversation "they won't stop until they'd get what they want since they see us as a threat" though I wasn't surprised I was definitely scared.  
"And you want me to be an extra shield.." I said. Esme looked down in shame "we had an agreement with the volturi to stay split up. That way we won't pose a threat but they still try to come after us. They want Alice and Bella but due to the threat Bella is to them they would try to kill her and get us all instead." My lips tightened in anger. They are no nobles, they are tyrants. "I'm staying with Em and Rose because it's the only way to keep me safe." My mom said while getting back without the tray "they never expected me and Edward to stay apart" and that's when I finally looked at my father and saw the anger and pain in his face. That's when all his words clicked back. They never all wanted me back. Maybe Rosalie and Emmet did, but for the rest I was somewhere between tolerable to a necessary evil, that's definitely what I was to my father. I could feel it in my bones.  
The reason why my feelings reading is such a terrible thing is because I feel whatever it is the person across me feels, and it's hard to tell where my feelings starts and theirs end. But I'm no longer a Cullen. That's why I can tell this isn't the type of feeling I'd have. Tolerating someone so that I could use them.  
No that's all Edward.  
In a matter of fact type of voice I said to him "You must have been so relieved Charlie became ill" and before he could react, my mom lashed out on me "would you stop hating on him! He did nothing to deserve this! You are **so** self absorbed you can't even see we're trying to do right by you!"  
That's right.  
My mom doesn't know how much of a selfish, emotional and self centered being my father is. Only I do...  
Maybe Aro too.  
"I only stated what he felt" I replied.  
I felt Nahuel coming to my side even before I saw him. Always there for me when I need.  
I was so hurt even though it shouldn't truly matter.  
I know she doesn't know better, I know it isn't her fault but I wish she would take my side, that my own mom would know me well enough to know I'm not petty like that.  
Nothing truly changed.  
But I'm not a child anymore and I do want to help them both to repay a favor and to make sure aunt Rosalie and Uncle Emmet are okay.  
They deserve at least that.  
"What do you need me to do?"

"You need to go for more creative ways to attack a volturi. They are very practiced soldiers, don't ever forget it." Jasper instructed me as I faced Emmet.  
"This is madness" Nahuel murmured.  
I was protected from Alec, Jane and Demetri. This much they all knew but now I need to practice my physical shield since it's unstable.  
We astablished I could stand in the middle of a live volcano and live but could I combat and not only push away harms and physical attacks?  
Emmet started sprinting as Jasper yelled at me to not push him but block. I wasn't sure I wouldn't do so.  
Emmet is one hell of a force, and then he ran into my diamond wall and flew back, landing with a sickening crush  
"He told you not to push him!" Edward shouted at me and went to check on Emmet. I was too frightened to move at first.  
"You need to stop trying to teach her to fight as if her shields is a burden!" Nahuel lashed back.  
I instead ran to check if Emmet's fine but Edward all but pushed me away with obvious resentment. "I didnt push! I blocked! He just attacked with too much force so he flew back" I said angry at the unfair treatment "you take his place if you're truly that worried about him" I said and went into the house.  
Fuck them.  
Fuck this bullshit.  
I'm doing them a favor and I don't recall Edward treating any of those who were willing to fight along side them the way I'm getting treated. Nahuel was right there by my side as I walked in "want to talk about it?" I bit my lip and shook my head, and then flopped on the nearest chair "this is fucking bullshit. They should train me to stretch my shield and protect them instead of teaching me to fight. Do they plan on sending me in alone??" Nahuel took a chair and sat infront of me "you'd never have to go anywhere alone".  
"You always have a pack of werewolves at your every need" I heard a voice that has an hoarse edge to him that could never belong to any vampire, full or halfer. Plus, Nahuel tensening was more than enough to tell me who's the person who went into the living room. I lifted my head and smiled at the sight of the all healed giant shapeshifter "Chief Black!" He looked almost embarrassed by my happily surprised expression.  
Nahuel took my hand and looked at me with desperate eyes "can we please talk alone finally" I nodded "just a minute though" Nahuel sighed heavily and reluctantly let got of my hand. "You look better" he said to Jacob who snorted in response "is that supposed to be a compliment?" Nahuel and I rolled our eyes "sorry for even bothering" And went away enough so he'll be out of sight but still in hearing range. Jacob chuckled but then his face went serious "heard you're gonna take down the Cold Ones" I let out a soft laugh "not the cold ones in general just the Old Ones to be more accurate"  
"You don't have to do it" he said and I sighed and nodded  
"I also don't have to drink blood but in order to live an healthy long life I kinda need to" I said in an amused tone.  
"They're not a joke Nessie, they took down so many of our pack"  
"What?!" I scrunched my forehead in confusion. Jacob closed his eyes for a moment as if to take reign of his anger and frustration.  
"I didn't take over the pack only because Sam wanted to retire. I also took it because the volturi came after everyone responsible for what happened over 30 years ago. I wasn't part of it so I could negotiate a truce while Sam was tagged unreliable by them. The reason we still have new members is because they kept coming after us and triggering more changes"

I kept trying to suppress something that completely overwhelmed me that very moment.  
Guilt.  
It's all my fault.  
I dragged them into this mess.  
They should've left me to die.  
How many vampires, allies, werewolves and good people lost their lives due to my family and the wish to keep me alive??

And just like that I felt what I did many years ago my golden and diamond shields tracking back from all around me and wrapping around my fragile heart in an attempt to protect my already broken heart.

Another useless thing I did...


	20. Chose me, don't need me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides face in shame bcz this took way too long and I literally had to write it twice bcz I lost it the first time*  
> I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I'M SOWWY AND I WISH TO BE ABLE TO POST MORE OFTEN

*" **Ness? Is that you?!" Charlie's frantic voice was on the other end of the line "charlie? Hey, hmm.." Charlie went full cop mode on Nahuel that moment "who are you? How do you know my name? Where's Renesmee??" Nahuel was scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment "she gave me this number, she's right here, she got hurt and she can't talk" he looked at me and i know what he saw, a wide eyed and teary infant half bread. I was short and my messy hair and desperation made me look like a deer caught in headlight. Making desperate hurt groans while wanting to talk so bad while I couldn't. It's been a while since I talked to charlie and I promised him I'd call months ago. "She's fine, nothing too serious, it's just a side effect of the injury. No, she's not in a hospital sir, she's with me at the moment" Nahuel gave me the phone and I took it, grasping onto it so desperately It started cracking. "Ness! Ness can you hear me??" I made small strangling sounds that made him gasp "ness, please let me come fetch you, please come back! I wont let the Cullen near you!" My heart dropped at his words, cold sweat running down my spine, is it safe to live with Charlie?. Nahuel noticed it and took the phone back before I could even process my respond to Charlie's words "I'm sorry charlie, she's not in the US and it's gonna be complicated to return at her state.. It might create damage to her and those around her" his words were true but it didn't hurt any less. I hurt the people I try saving. This much is true.. And although I could hear Charlie's protests Nahuel remained calm and explained "she'll return once she's healed and I will call regularly and email you if we can. I will guarantee this much to you. I know it's terrifying but I am just like your granddaughter and I can help her more than you or the Cullen" he is wrong.. He's nothing like me.. He's my savior. Choosing selflessly to help me, giving me hope. This man was the key to what I wanted. The key to my humanity***

I always do this.. I always hurt the people around me. I fucking **hate** it. I hate myself. "Ness.. Are you okay?" Chief black asked me. My eyes started to sting and I tried to subtly pinch my thigh to avoid crying, I let out a weak "I'm sorry" Chief Black snorted at that. "What are you sorry for? You aren't responsible for those assholes greed and evil. They behaved that way far before you were born and they'd keep acting that way as long as they can" he ruffled my messily curled hair in a way that made me blush "if anything, you are our savior" he pulled back "I'm not a kid" is all I said and he smiled a wide beautiful white smile before replying "I'm older than you though" "Not mentally" He chuckled before leaning back in his chair "oh, I definitely am." And I couldn't help my smile as I looked down. "Please don't think any of this situation is your fault" he then said seriously, I looked up at him confused "what do you mean?" "It's.. It's part of the imprinting thing. When I say I'll be whatever you need me to it also means I can sense what you need. It felt right now that you need support and someone to help show you reason" he said softly before remarking"I owe Sam more than I could ever repay him. He made decisions a good alpha would while I was acting juvenile and selfishly. I might disagree with his way of reigning but I can't doubt he's a fit alpha" I looked at his rich brown eyes puzzled as he continued "choosing to stand by you not only gave me a second chance with finding my imprint but also gave our pack an ally stronger and more useful than we could ever wish for." I don't know why but I felt my conscious reach for him, searching and sensing his feelings and honesty. Not wanting sweet empty words of reassurance but to know if I could really help the people who were kinder to me than my biological father and sometimes my mother too.. I kept looking for the lie, for the feeling of fakeness and hypocrisy I get from my father and Carlisle so often.. Nothing. He was honest. He really meant what he said. So I asked- "Will you practice with me?"

Nahuel waited for me outside with a backpack and something about the way he fidgeted and his concerned expression made me smile. In moments like this his humanity was more pronounced and it felt like we were truly equal. I knew how all of this was stressful for him too, how we were each other family and encore. It's hard to explain to people outside what we mean to each other. So I reached first and took his hand in mine. "Hey" I smiled at him and watched as all the tension left his body. "I'm sorry" he said softly, looking down and softly squeezing my hand as if to hold onto me. It broke my heart to see this man like this. He taught me so much and was there for me through thick and thin. Even if his methods weren't ideal he tried and when it mattered he cared and was there for me. That's when I saw the silent tears stream from his eyes, I reached and hugged him tightly. "It's okay, I didnt even gave you a chance to explain why you told them everything and got pissed. I'm not mad anymore I was upset and disappointed but I'm fine now" he wrapped his arms tightly around me and I hoped he didnt hear how hard my heart was beating. Nahuel smelled like home, like freshly baked bread and our cloth softener and men shampoo and like cold mornings in the forest and like everything that I know and love. "I'm sorry" he said again and again. Unable to say anything else and a few tears slipped away from me too. When we finally calmed down he still didnt let go of my hand as we walked deeper and deeper into the close by woods. "I told Rosalie" he blurted eventually. "She got so upset and forced a family meeting. Edward and Carlisle were the one to think of asking help out of you while Emmet and Rosalie wanted to throw hands" he smiled softly and mimicked Rosalie voice saying "you got some real nerve! We don't get to ask ANYTHING of her but her forgiveness!" I smiled softly as well "I don't want you to help them honestly" he said so softly it was hard to hear even for me "I won't interfere with your decision and support you no matter what outcome but.. I don't want you to do it for the Cullen" I nudged his shoulder and intertwined our fingers "I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for Charlie and Sue, for Leah and Clair and Quil and little Yuty, Emily, Sam and their kids, uncle Seth who deserve a normal beautiful life without fearing of changing and not being able to grow old with his boyfriend." "And for Chief Black" he added bitterly and I rolled my eyes "for Billy too" I added. "You like him" he stated and let go of my hand. "Don't be immature, I like all of them." "But for a good reason! You have no reason to trust or like him" "He has the same justification as Leah and you know it" I reached for his bag as we finally reached a good spot "I don't want to fight Nahuel. We've been fighting way too much lately" he sighed and handed me the backpack and I took out the sticks and knifes as we sat down and started crafting. The sticks are taken from the forest where Nahuel and Huilen lived. Mine is from Forks. The next 3 days we'll use wood from New Orleans, California and other places we were at and loved. "Let's pray this year would be better than our last and that we would stop fighting" I told Nahuel and he smiled softly "I just pray we'd always stay by each others side" he said and I laughed softly "you think you'd get rid of me so fast??? Bitch, I'm not a vamp I'm a fucking leach! Good luck with making your wish NOT come true" we both laughed and it felt like things were back to normal finally.

Going back to the house was peaceful. Nahuel and I talked about my training and if I'd like to go back to California sooner. "You keep asking me this as if you don't have your own life in Cali as well..." We were now pretty close to the house but keeping hearing distance "Well, we were meant to leave in couple of years anyway" he paused for a second "we... We changed a bit lately" I frowned at his remark "changed how?" "You don't need me the same way you used to" he added I snorted a laugh out "and that's a bad thing? Finding my independence??" "It's not, it's just... Different. If I'm honest I feel a little left behind" I paused and grabbed his hand "Huel, I love you exactly the same as I did yesterday, I'm just.. I guess becoming an adult" I smiled softly before continuing "please don't tell me we've been fighting lately because I'm finally becoming more your equal" I said with real worry. It's true that in a way I'm less dependent on him but that doesn't mean I love him less. He just looked down in an embarrassed manner I've never seen in Nahuel before, in a manner almost insecure. So I reached my hand to his face and made him meet my gaze, hoping to make him see how much I love him. That I don't need but choose him. Instead I felt it, a wave of guilt, shame and there was this sweet yet icy cold sting to it, a child like bright grasp of something I don't yet know the name of. Like a child holding onto a mother or a toy, unwilling to let go or share. Is that how he sees me? Why can't he see me as equal? As a woman?? I love this man and all my life had to watch him being shared yet realized it didnt matter as long as he came back to me. It doesn't matter as long as he'll choose and love me at the finish line. Right? Then why can't I feel it? That warm hug like feeling, tenderness that isn't as spikey. How did this all get so messed up in less than a year?! He cares about me. I know he does! Right?! Right...? "Are you back for your practice?" Jasper asked me and I pulled away from Nahuel and avoided his eyes so he won't see how teary eyes I'm getting. Being in one sided love hurts more when you delude yourself it's mutual. I nodded and ran into the house and the room to change clothes.

"Hey!" Chief Black was waiting for me outside when I went to my practice and my dumb ass for some reason got so surprised I made an "oh?" Confused little sound that made Rosalie, Emmet, Nahuel and him crack up. Even jasper couldn't hold his smile and I couldn't help my blushing. "You literally asked me to train with you not 5 hours ago" he teased "Yeah, well I meant practicing my reading abilities, not my shield" "She has a point Jacob. We don't want you to die" Jasper said and Chief Black flipped him off. "I'm way stronger than you Goldilocks" he said and took off his shirt. Well.. Though that wasn't necessary it was definitely appreciated. Nahuel came to my side at that moment "do you want to practice with me like usually? I don't think he could help you much" though he spoke quietly it was obvious he was heard. That pissed me off. I'm not good enough to love but good enough for him to feel possessive over?? Jacob growled at him and suddnly they were close to getting at each others throats. I rolled my eyes and pushed them back from each other with the help of Emmet I'm tired of them acting up. Fuck that shit. Fuck being heartbroken. Fuck being out of control and letting other people make the shots. Today I'm sitting back and letting everyone else deal with their own bullshit. "Actually... I have a better idea"

"On my count!" Jasper ordered and Nahuel couldn't hold back his smile. "Remember, play fair. No nasty business and petty revenge" Nahuel placed his two palms together like a saint and I couldn't hold back my smile. I took a step closer and Chief Black looked me in the eyes before winking and then giving a reaffirming smile "I trust you Nessie" I literally froze. Is this allowed?? Is this even legal?? I felt how I was blushing redder by the minute and that's when Nahuel attacked full force and I don't know what vision he sent but the way Chief Black collapsed screaming snapped me right back to reality and I felt my shields stretch all the way from around my heart to protect Jacob in matter of milliseconds. It was a new record and I never knew I could do something like that. I looked at Nahuel in such shock and anger as Chief Black was still having hard time gaining control on his body after the shock it experienced as it spasmed and shifted back and forth from wolf to man as he kept fighting the transition "What the fuck Huel?!" I gasped at him. But he looked at me just as angry and his stare was so cold it felt like his hatred was aimed at me now and not only Chief Black " **if you weren't so busy flirting you would have shielded him BEFORE the attack!** " He snapped at me with such anger I literally took a step back and started feeling my shields wavered and tighten unsure of what to do and if I was protected. Chief Black was just finally starting to get his control back and trying to fix his breathing, Emmet and Rosalie were gone and only Jasper was there and didn't seem in a hurry to intervene, probably wanting to see what outcome the situation will create. After what felt like forever but was probably just a minute before I got control over my shock, hurt and anger. In all the emotion swirling in my chest I let anger win and let it unleash in a form of a diamond dome that this time didn't take Nahuel in and didnt even try hut instead sent him flying as if he was hit by a truck. "IS THAT FOCUSED ENOUGH?!" Nahuel was now scrumbling on the ground the same way Jacob was not 3 minutes ago, trying to heal. The moment I saw it all the anger washed back and switched with guilt and shame as my shields retracted and I ran to Nahuel. "Oh my god.. N.. Nahuel I'm so sorry.." I tried to reach for him but he flinched away from my touch, I knew from the way his breathing was hurting him amd the way he was coughing blood that he must have broken up his ribs and it probably punctured his lungs.. He needs blood. Asap. So I did the only think I thought reasonable and bit into my wrist before putting it to his mouth. As the blood touched his tongue he started swallowing and then he did something that made me feel like I was dying

He bit me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't ask you guys of anything bcz I failed to update regularly...  
> Forgive me readers for I have sinned  
> I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE AWESOME!

**Author's Note:**

> see you guys next


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